Insert Creative Title Here (Zero Vents and Screams like an Idiot)

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by ZeroEsper, May 31, 2016.

  1. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I need to be reminded that sometimes, and I appreciate hearing it from someone who's calm and rational.
     
  2. Ducks

    Ducks 79 Plural Fowl Illuminates The Legendary

    Glad it helps. Just make a doctors appointment and try to hold it together til your mother is out of the picture.
     
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2016
    • Like x 1
  3. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    She's left, thamkfully, and the appointment is upcoming (mercifully). I just gotta hang in there until then.
     
    • Like x 1
  4. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    Had a breakdown at work!!! I'm the worst. Boss got pissed off because we were busy (I work fast food. Yeah, we're gonna be busy, dude) and decided to imitate me "cutely". 'oh, look at me, I don't know what to get started on!' (despite the fact that I was fucking working, but yeah dude, you keep not fucking paying attention)

    SHUT. THE FUCK. UP.

    Years of bullying made that come across like salt in a wound. I was pissed. I kept working despite the fact that I was furious, shaking, and about to cry (and yes, I know I was overreacting). I made two orders and set them up separately.

    Manager: *points at second order* what's this?

    Me: It's for the second order.

    Manager: What?

    Me: It's for the second order.

    Manager: What?

    Me: The order. The second order. *Points at digital screen that keeps track of our orders.*

    Manager: Then what did you JUST give me?

    Me: The first order.

    He sighs in disgust, opens the bag for the first order, takes out the sandwich, UNWRAPS IT TO MAKE SURE I DIDN'T FUCK UP (FUCK YOU BUDDY FUCK YOU BUDDY FUCK YOU. FUCK. YOU. FUCK YOU) and then throws it into the bag in disgust and made some remark about how no one knows what they're doing despite the fact that the sandwich was part of the order and I did every. fucking. thing. i was supposed to.

    There was another ''fun'' moment where I misspoke, but thankfully we had a digital record of what I was trying to say, so I could bring that up. I apologized for mis-speaking and got a sarcastic, passive-aggressive 'it's okay, you're just confusing me.'

    HAHA JUST LIKE MOM USED TO DO.

    When the rush finally ended I had to get into one of our small coolers for something and I just couldn't take this shit anymore. I slammed the door like a fucking idiot and I did it so hard my manager came over to check and make sure I didn't break it. I apologized immediately and walked off to find a quiet task to do for a few minutes. After that I got out my phone in the break area (which I'm allowed to do) and started texting my friend who also works at this hellhole that I hate my fucking job and that apparently for 9 bucks an hour I'll let you treat me exactly the same way bullies and my primary abuser used to!! Because I'm fucking pathetic!!! I'm awful!!

    And then manager walks by, sees me on my phone, and goes 'are you texting (friend) how mean I am?'

    Way to acknowledge that your behavior is shitty. Way to point out that this is a thing I would be saying, because of how you acted toward me. Way to make it clear that you're self-aware but don't fucking care.

    I have to go in again tomorrow and I literally already don't want to. This job is fucking bullshit.
     
  5. Ducks

    Ducks 79 Plural Fowl Illuminates The Legendary

    Oh no! Jeez that sucks.
     
    • Like x 1
  6. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    Anxiety-brain: oh btw we're getting fired.
    Me: wait... I am?
    Anxiety-brain: yes.
    Me: oh my god, what do I do?
    Anxiety-brain: *screeching like a doorhinge*
    Me: this is bad.
     
  7. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    Logic-brain: *wakes up*
    Logic-brain: what's going on?
    Me and anxiety-brain: we're fired.
    Logic-brain: shit!!
     
  8. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    You know, there's a way to deal with this. I'm going to acknowledge a legitimate possibility that I will be fired, and will begin looking for another job. I will likely know Thursday if I'm fired. Until then, I'll just keep looking around.
     
  9. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    My birthday is about nine months away, but I started planning it in class today. That made me really happy because normally when I'm dealing with this kind of stress I slip into morality suicide logic. The fact that I'm making concrete plans for the future surprises me and makes me feel guilty, but it's a good thing in the long run, I think.
     
    • Like x 1
  10. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    Oh hecking ugh.

    Signed up to take the HTML and CSS workshop I need. Need prior knowledge of XML that I don't have. Dropped myself from the workshop. Will now have to see if I can re-enroll if I can complete an online xml course in time.

    I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR ANY OF THIS. I'm working two jobs at roughly 40 hours a week and I'm a full-time graduate student. I haven't even started my 20-page research paper, I have a 'treasure hunt' assignment due in three weeks that I can't find the guidelines to, and this upcoming week I have to get started making a table of data and evaluating search criteria. I literally have to schedule time to study. I'm constantly sleep deprived because I'm always at school or work. I'm up all hours of the night with work. I don't know how to handle this. I'm NOT handling this. I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do.
     
  11. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    And why do my joints hurt, fuck these random bruises, I hate that I wake up with swollen hands, and what am I doing??? I'm too stupid for this. I am too dumb. I'm helpless. I'm a child.

    But I don't really believe that. I have this image of myself. I'm tough. I can do anything. I'm the kind of person who survives whatever life throws at her.

    And it's that cognitive dissonance that gets me into trouble.
     
  12. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    Oh good god

    Fucked up at the hospital already. Secretary thinks I'm an idiot. E eryone saw and heard me fuck up I think. Oh my god why am I here. Imagine how much worse the rest of the procedures will be. Oh my god what if they gave my appointment away.

    Oh I'm also sitting in the wrong chair and social anxiety won't let me get up to call attention to it. Guy next to me looks like he might hit on me.
     
  13. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    Oh, he announced he's schizophrenic. I feel nervous and that's ableist.
     
  14. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    I'm officially off my old meds. The psych nurse I'm seeing wanted to put me on Zoloft. She thinks I show signs of PTSD. I've thought that. I'm... not doing well off my old meds. I banged my palms off a rack of shirts at work the other day because I was frustrated. That's not acceptable. I know it's not, and I feel super guilty.
     
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