a thing that happened: my body @ approx 13: okay so im flooding with Teenage Hormones and now dresses and skirts are Evil and you will want to die when you put them on me: okay, great, tees and jeans it is, idgaf me some years later: oh so this is called dysphoria Good To Know i love dresses they're pretty but i do not want to wear them. ever. why can't i wear a suit to my graduation fuck y'all. me now @ 21 one random morning: steamin hot. do not want clothes. me: has clothes all over the floor from trying to organize the wardrobe yesterday. me: let's put this on. yes. comfy. me 20 min later after two coffees: wait why am i wearing a fucking dress and how am i not dying of dysphoria regular talk: i'm afab nonbinary and have had pretty aggressive dysphoria about dresses and skirts and my boobs for most of my teenage years (less intense when larping, weirdly enough). at one point tho i just... put on a dress one morning, couple months ago. and it was weird but not evil. and i sort of kept doing it (only at home and never with guests though). but also dresses aside i have been dressing more femme lately? i want to get my hair short again but also like, after almost ten years of exclusively tshirts and jeans i have started wearing nice shirts and skinny jeans and tank tops and occasionally slobbering glitter and sloppy eyeliner on my face. and i still intensely enjoy looking genderfucky and confusing people but also i am starting to like this whole being pretty thing? i have never considered myself pretty, mildly cute at best, but sometimes i dress up nice and look at myself and don't hate it? i sort of do want this to be thing bc dresses are beautiful and i would love to wear them without hating myself, but also i do not want this to be a thing bc my hair is getting so long again and i would look. very girl. i do not want to be very girl. i want to be an eldritch mass of no gender. and i know there is no one way to be nb, you are nb no matter what you look like, but it still feels like by dressing nice and putting on makeup i am suddenly faking, that these 5+ years i have been faking and it was really just a phase, and when i am wearing a dress now (i am sitting here with one! right now!!) without wanting to claw my face off like i used to it means i have gotten over this phase and i am back to being A Girl. but i am still uncomfortable being called a girl, being referred to as she, uncomfortable with my name, with my face, and i'm prettier with long hair but more uncomfortable with it and simultaneously want long flowing blue hair and also to chop it all off. and this whole thought train started because i need to go to the store but it's too hot for jeans and my shorts are still drying from the wash and i feel like if i go outside in the dress then that's it, i'm a girl again, for real, and i am not a girl i do not want to be a girl and why the fuck am i crying. fuck, this got venty. i'm sorry. but, uh, any thoughts on where the fuck did my dysphoria go out of nowhere? it's like, very mild at this point, bit stronger with skirts and longer dresses, barely there with short summer dresses.