Vent Irra's Shady Vent Shack

I need a vent thread.

Holy shit I fucking need a vent thread.

I'll explain why after this post.

 

I live with my mother.

She's not a narcissist like my father - and I don't live with him anymore, thank God. My father grew up beating, gaslighting, manipulating, and verbally abusing me. With him I had no escape, no hope, and no will to live. School was a nightmare - I was bullied and isolated (the teachers and administration, by and large, didn't do a fucking thing and sometimes made it worse), and thus I didn't care about grades at all. Home and school sucked.

But this is about my mother. The problems I have with her don't stem from her being a narcissistic bully who just wants to hurt people close to him. She's a terrified woman with a host of psychological issues. I sympathize with her as much as I hate living with her.

She grew up dirt poor in rural Kentucky. Her father abandoned her and her four siblings. Her mother has the mental state of a six-year-old. She hurt them, too.

After I flunked out of college in 2013, in a haze of mental illness, I got a job at an Amazon factory. Those jobs are designed so the people in them burn out and get replaced quickly. Of course I didn't last. After that, I got put on disability. Mom is my legal guardian and has control of my money and my life. Being the disabled and autistic trainwreck that I am, I need support to function. I don't believe Mom's support is in my best interest, though. She is extremely controlling, domineering, and ableist.

My mother has the obsessive belief that all of us will live in our childhood house. That her three sons (well, two sons and a daughter, but when I tried to come out she denied it pretty fucking hard) will live here and work and we'll all be a happy family. Last night, she got drunk - she's a very sentimental person when she gets drunk - and said "I wanted to move back into your childhood house so one day it'll be your house. And we'll all live here. That's what you want, right? That's what you want, right."

Well: no.

I hate this town. I hate this state. I don't want to live in Kentucky. I want to live in a city - a big city, with public transit and distinct neighborhoods and that doesn't vote for theocrats or build wasteful arks with taxpayer money. If I have to live in Kentucky - God, I hope not - then let me live in either Lexington or Louisville. This town is right between them both, so it would hardly be escape.

Also, notice I said three sons ("sons"). All of us are adults. My older brother is one year older than me at 25, and also autistic. He works at Kroger and does just fine there. Mom wants to be put him on disability...which scares me. He's very naive and not extremely intelligent and I worry that Mom will try to keep him under her wing as long as he can. And he's not happy here. Once a week he comes to me to tell me how lonely he is. How he wishes he has friends (there are no young people in this small town; people leave as soon as they can).

My younger brother is 20 and completely neurotypical, aside from what is probably dyscalculia, which I also have (he also treated both of us like garbage for many years, which Mom allowed, saying, "Please don't let me choose between my sons"). He joined the Marines to get out. That's not an option for me and I wouldn't want it to be an option, but I can't help but feel like he made the right decision for himself - he got out. Mom told him that after his service is over she expects him to move in with her. That is not going to happen. Also, Mom and her family loathe his girlfriend. I don't like her either, but I can't help but feel like her dislike has a bit of an ulterior motive.

Whenever I see a doctor, Mom insists on being there. She's tried to use doctors as muscle before, to try and have them back her up. Whenever I saw a counselor over the years, Mom was there with me. She does it with my psychiatrist now. She has this fantasy of someone whipping me into shape with Structure and Discipline, her favorite words for things I need. I'm at a local directional university with a state-of-the-art autism program. She told her relatives, with a big smile, that the part of it she was most excited about was that "they will hold [name] accountable. No excuses, they're putting him on a schedule." I never told how un-authoritarian the program is. It would upset her. The program understands me in a way few "adults" (I can't think of a better term here, even though I am an adult now, etc) ever have. They understand autistic people. I plan to just beg them to help me escape.

I told Mom last night I want to see a counselor again, and she said, "Great, we'll go together." I told her I wanted to go alone, and she said, "Well, good, I need a counselor too." She was pretty drunk. But I still expected it.

She's extremely ableist, too, and I'm going to go into that in further posts.

 

Looks like my older brother might not go on disability - they're talking about another job for him. Okay. Mom sometimes has ideas that don't pan out (something I am extremely guilty of as well!!!!). Once she talked about being a teacher, which would be miles better than her current job.

I have to get out of here, but I need support...

 

Like, why does she have to be there at the psychiatrist's with me? Why does she have to be beside me when I see a counselor - or, if I do go alone, she'll see the counselor on her own, as she said.

I mean, I know why.

 

Longer post coming tomorrow.

I'm just so fucking scared right now. Last month something came up, a recurring fear I've had for years. It might come true. It would backfire. No one would hate me, and everyone would hate the person who would be attacking me.

That doesn't comfort me at all.

I have to make it out of this house. Living with my mother, it's a dead end. I don't want to be in this house when I'm 30, on disability, forced to live in a male body, no friends because it's a small town, nothing to look forward to but arguments with my mother and depression and loneliness -

I'd rather kill myself than live like that. So I'm going to do everything I can to make it out. I will not die in this house, in this body.

One of my friends in California offered to help me set up shop there, so to speak. I helped her when she temporarily moved to Kentucky to escape her Quiverfull family on the Iowa-Minnesota border. That's the fucked up thing. I need support being disabled like I am, but both of my parents are just...not good guardians.

 

I feel empty.

Just so fucking empty.

I feel like there's nothing inside.

WAKE ME UP INSIDE

 

I feel like, at any second, I am going to lose it.

Why did he have to message me?

Why couldn't he have just left well enough alone?

I've been mixing up words a lot. Town for tall, one for won, things like that. It happens about 10-15 times a day. I didn't sleep at all last night, I was too scared to sleep. All of this I know are symptoms of schizoaffective disorder and it terrifies me. My antipsychotic is not working. I don't know where I can turn to. I don't know who can help me.

I need help that I cannot get from my guardian. I don't know who can help me.

I don't know what to do.

 

Last night I heard screaming. I knew it wasn't real.

Not much of a comfort.

 

It's funny. I do chores, I talk about school, I seem polite and affable. My guardian has no idea how fucked up things really are on the inside. I word switched there, I typed "insane" instead of "inside."

I can definitely see the humor in it.

 

The paranoia has gotten so bad. I need help. I need to talk to someone. I need to reach out. I had suicidal thoughts today and yesterday from the paranoia. I don't want to kill myself. It scares me that I had those thoughts.

 

I just feel so blank and empty. My brain will not stop obsessing. I don't know what to do. I feel weak and I can't enjoy modding the site I mod or watching speedruns or reading anything. I really just want to talk to something about anything, even something I hate, just to have that interaction.

 

Didn't sleep again. I'm pretty good at all nighters apparently.

 

I just feel so empty and scared.

 

I can't go outside. I can't walk to the kitchen. I can't get a drink. I can't do anything but sit on the bed and think about the bad thoughts and think about how I want to die.

 

This has been my life for two months and I can't tell anyone

 

It's not easy to forget why my father is shitty, but now that I'm away from my mother I'm determined to remember how obsessive and controlling she is so I don't get complacent and think living with her is an option at all.

 

If you ever need a reality check, just poke me and I can remind you exactly how Past Andy felt about all this and why she was right. I know how much distance can fuck with your confidence in this stuff, and it sucks. :(

 

Thank you.

 

I feel like wherever I go, people will hate me. I feel like in the groups I'm in, the communities I'm in, people who hate me. Anyone who likes me is just...they must not really know me, is how I feel. Like I've been fooling them.

 

Why can't I be good at socializing? Why do I have to be an extrovert that sucks at social interaction?