This is probably sort of related to past abuse in my case, but it isn't directly related, so, it goes here. I've never had the urge to physically cause myself pain. Even when I was actively suicidal I spent time trying to figure out the most painless method. But I...I beat myself up mentally, and I sort of compulsively go over and over thoughts about how awful I am and how suffering is all I can expect or deserve, and sometimes I make self-depreciating 'jokes' that really aren't joking at all. It sounds a bit stupid to call that self harm. It's not like I'm bleeding. But, at the same time...this is. Probably not healthy? And yet I keep doing it. It feels terrible but there's this sort of twisted satisfaction in it too.