time for screaming our oldest cat (not particularly old, he's between 6 and 9, vet has never been sure and we got him as an adult, we typically default to saying he's 8) is sick. his jaw is swollen and he's drooling and sleeping a ton, but uncomfortably. we have no money. times are hard. idk i just sorta wanna curl up and cry for like 36 hrs. life sucks rn. also idk how to give this the vent prefix dealie
Stressssssss. Slept like 3 hrs, got up, screamed internally while panicking that something had happened to Chevy during the night, sat by him and pet him until I was calm, slammed back asleep. Life is a big fuck
orville won't stop knocking things off the table/counter and he's now broken one of the few glasses from a set we were given by a friend's parent long ago. it's so fucking stupid but those glasses mean a lot to me and apparently while i was gone in the states for like 1.5 years river had broken like 2? so we have only a couple left... they mean a lot to me and i don't know why. they're not some fancy or really cool glasses. they're not something that like came from my grandma or some shit. just a gift we got when i first lived here but i guess i've got a lot of sentimentality tied to them and it's like... i just want things to stop getting ruined. i just want to not worry that every bump or thump is orville destroying something. he's chewed up multiple pieces of silicone kitchen stuff (main offense being the lid for my biggest anchor glass storage bowl that is the single biggest and nicest storage container we had for leftovers and was especially good for liquids and now we don't have that either). he's broken tons of river's knickknacks, including a few that meant a ton to them. he's chewed up, dented, busted, whatever a ton of a stuff and it's just like... why? we don't ignore him. he gets tons of enrichment. he goes on walks. he gets attention all the time. we have tried ignoring him when he's destructive. we have tried keeping things out of his reach (he finds a way). i just can't deal with it. i can't deal with everything that matters to me getting ruined. i'm constantly afraid he's going to break our tv or my switch somehow and it's like... i shouldn't be worried that my cat is going to ruin my electronics or my stuff in general. it's exhausting.
and like in all reality it shouldn't matter at all? like in an ideal world him breaking things wouldn't be such a profound impact, but we're fucking broke and have been forever and will be for a long while and like we can't replace things. i guess it's mainly that it brings the same emotions to my mind that my dad destroying my stuff as a punishment did. like it brings out a same kind of fear of not having anything and nothing being safe.
Bad day! Everything was too much. I honestly feel like I don't matter to my friend group and that I'm just there because I'm an accessory to River. Don't feel safe talking to people anymore. Don't feel respected. Don't feel important enough to take up space. Took me getting v drunk to even feel okay typing this because I don't deserve to be seen/heard. Fucking no one will read this anyway thank god. Just want to lie down and give up. Tried volunteering and had someone fucking publicly blast me but it sure doesn't fucking matter because I'm a piece of shit and deserve it! Clearly I'm unfit to educate anyone and need to just fuck off. Can't get shit done at work, can't do anything w/o fucking it. Just wish I could disappear and never surface.
Guess what! it's only gotten worse! i can't handle this! i couldn't go to support group because of this shit! i can't talk to anyone about it because it's drama and no one wants drama! but i'm fucking dying! i spent my entire break at work just crying in the cooler!
