My CBT person thinks the best thing for me to do would be to move out of my parents' house. I want to move out of my parents' house. I've been thinking about this. And I was watching Markiplier's LP of The Stanley Parable just now and it's put me in a weird mood. And what's funny is that despite having no actual plans to do so (i'm scared of pain, i'm scared of death, i don't actually want to die, i know how much damage it would do to others), when I think about killing myself it feels weirdly inevitable. As though even though all the objections cited above are pretty damn strong ones, they will eventually crumble because the simple fact is that the world is Too Big and Too Complicated and Too Scary, and I will never be able to cope, and after a while this will become clear enough to me that the only logical step forward is death. It's not that I get panicky, though I do sometimes. It's just a resigned aura of 'well if you're going to keep on the way you're going, it's going to lead to this particular end'. So I know that if I manage to change myself sufficiently, it won't happen. But changing myself seems impossible. My CBT person gave me a logical step towards moving out on Monday: she gave me a telephone number for a benefits hotline, so i could call up and find out if or how i could be eligible for benefits. Simple enough. But I will probably not do so. Because of two things: a) it seems like a good way to be told that i don't count, or am wrong about things, and that is intolerable. and b) i am afraid. i am afraid of not understanding the system. i am afraid of not getting what i need. i am afraid- and this shows how very privileged and classist i am, for which i apologise- of not having enough money to live on and living amongst people who also don't but have lived like that all their lives, whom i am certain will despise me or pity me (worse, almost) because i come from a well-off background. i am afraid of messing it up and having to go home again. i am afraid. and i don't know if i can ever move past that fear. and it stops me doing things- it stops me doing a lot of things. not everything. i can do things. but big things. and because i can do things, and i do do things, nobody understands how much i am afraid. when i can't do things they think i'm being silly or making excuses, and if i just did it anyway it would be fine. and i know it would be fine. and i hate myself because i know full well it would be fine. but i am still afraid. i should be in bed. christ.