I've made a big mistake :(

I PMed my mother on Facebook talking about how my counselling was going and without thinking properly I told her when I was a kid I was convinced adults yelling at me meant they hated me, and she yelled at me a lot when I was a kid. She's seen the message but hasn't responded. I feel like garbage now.

 

she's probably just busy, try to take your mind off of it somehow.

 

It's late at night here, I'm gonna have to wait till morning for any reply. I don't know how I'm gonna sleep :(

My counselling only has two weeks left and I'm nowhere near okay, and the waiting lists are months long. New medicine is kinda helping but not making the awful memories and weird feelings go away.

 

Uhm, got any good books/shows/movies/comics? that could help?

that sucks, I'm sorry.

 

I feel completely awful for saying that to her when I know she's dealing with some serious family problems of her own. I've learned to usually have a better grasp on what I say than this :(

 

everyone slips up, and as slip ups go this one is not The Worst you could have made.

 

Thing is it's true. She did say some pretty hurtful things to me as a kid and teen, and I wanted to try to talk it out, but now isn't a good time.

 

Use it as an early stage? like, leave it alone for now, I guess, and eventually be like, hey, remember when I said this?

 

She has enough to worry about with my depression and the still-going fallout from her brother's suicide and I just make things worse.

 

I bet she doesn't feel that way.

 

I sent an apology, she's seen it but still hasn't responded :(

 

I don't know what to do.

 

I'm sorry.
You might just have to give her some time. She could be super busy.

 

I don't know why I thought it would be okay to say such a hurtful thing. The worst part is it's true. I was convinced half the adults I knew had something against me personally.

 

You weren't directing it at her, you were not saying something hurtful intentionally. And you don't know for sure she's upset, yet.
Yeah, I know that feeling.

 

Thanks. I think I made it worse though - I panicked and sent a bunch of apology messages :(

 

Now you just have wait, I guess :(

 

I feel gross and slimy and ashamed and worse than ever for venting here about all the things she said when I was a kid that hurt me. I just want to be able to interact functionally with my family.

 

yeah, but to be able to interact functionally with people, you need to be able to air out your issues. And that's what kintsugi's here for. you don't need to feel bad about venting here.