[Keeping On Track through incoherent screaming and sobbing: the vent thread]

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Erica, May 27, 2016.

  1. Erica

    Erica occasionally vaguely like a person

    alright i gotta get my shit together and sorted and charted out because Everything in school is happening next week and i need to remember what i gotta do. (advice/insight/sympathy is deeply appreciated and not at all unwelcome, but not required)
    alright
    ((also i'm. okay so i'm rushing this, i know i'm rushing this, it's been like 3 days since i even heard the symptoms lined up, but i've never felt anything Fit that well before in my life and there's this thing where healthcare of all kinds is entirely free until you turn 20 where i live, and i turn 20 in 2 months, so if i don't try now i might talk myself out of it and even if this particular thing isn't what's going on then obviously something is going on and i'd like to find a way to manage it because i!! am!!! tired!!!! of being like this even when i'm at my best: i'm gonna contact psych people, for the purpose of investigating whether or not i fit the criteria for avpd well enough to get diagnosed. i am doing this without my parents knowledge or permission. i've talked to one of my friends, and to my girlfriend/moirail, and to my sister; my sister and moirail are both like 'oh my god this is you though, do it', and my friend doesn't know enough about avpd to make a judgment call but she agrees that either way seeking help is a Good Call.))
    okay school stuff lineup:
    TODAY IS THE 28TH OF MAY. (SINCE EXACTLY ONE MINUTE AGO.)
    classes end at the 3rd of June.

    for A Cultural Perspective on Gender and Families (aka social justice 101: the class) I need to
    • Pick 3 concepts to write an essay about
    • Pick 1 of these concepts to present in front of the class (kill me)
    Essay is supposed to be 4 pages, 11pt times new roman, i think double-spaced, and we're allowed to draw from personal experience in addition to class literature, so i think i should be fine. (I've emailed my teacher asking if I can do something similar but not exactly like the instructions and she hasn't gotten back to me. This is distressing.) The essay is due 3/6
    The presentation should be 10 minutes long. We're allowed to do it in groups. I don't have a group. The presentation will also happen 3/6

    for my actual real course, Linguistics, i have
    • One normal exam, 2/6, which I from prior experience think I should be fine not panicking about, I just have to read through my notes a couple of times. Or once.
    • One essay? About technology and language? I think we're supposed to analyse and criticize one specific language technology thing I don't know I haven't understood I'm stressed out. It's due midnight 3/6
    • One lab that I need to make up for - our teacher didn't show up for the actual scheduled time, and then it was rescheduled to collide with a seminar for the other class on super short notice, so I sent my teacher an email being like "Hi! I can't make it to the lab because reasons. Is there any way I can make up for missing it, or do it another time?" Teacher has yet to get back to me. This is doubly frustrating bc it's for the same teacher the essay is for, so if we'd had the first lab on-schedule, maybe I'd've understood what we're actually doing here lol
    • mmmmmaaaaybe i'll have to re-do a lab rapport too bc i did it super poorly. but i only need to pass. so maybe it's okay? we'll see.
    plan for tomorrow: go through instructions for linguistics essay, get started

    ....technically i'm also supposed to be looking for a place to live - i'm moving out this fall, to study in another city - but i think it's reasonable to shelf that for another week? maybe? :(

    current status on avpd stuff: have gone through symptoms list over and over, have fluctuated wildly from 'oh my god this would explain so many things' and 'holy shit maybe not everyone reacts that strongly to this stuff' to 'guess who's playing the special snowflake game? it's you. stop making things up just to feel special' and 'okay but if you actually say this stuff to a psychologist they'll laugh at you, you're being ridiculous, grow up.'
    reasons actual diagnosis would help me, rather than self-diagnosis or Suspicions: -would have something concrete to point to when i'm being ridiculous, which would make it easier to disregard the Bad Thoughts, and harder to disregard the 'hey now, that's not logical' that ive been trying to work with thus far
    -would have something concrete to refer to if/when i need help in school this fall.
    -would have a better basis of understanding myself and why i work like i do.
    things standing in the way of diagnosis: -i could just be mistaken!! that is possible!! i am rushing things!!!!
    -am not certain avpd is even properly diagnosed in my country. can't find symptoms list in native language. thing itself has like 5 different names and i don't know if any of them are considered legit. deeply wish i could speak english w psychologist instead.
    -avpd is rarely diagnosed to young people, from what i've read. am 19. am uncertain if that is 'too young' or not.
    steps taken:
    have investigated how diagnoses work in my country, and where i'd have to start if i want one.
    have sucked it up and called to book a time with a psychologist. reached voice mail. left incoherent voicemail bc was not prepared for voice mail. damn it.
    future steps:
    -wait for reply from psychologist. if no reply by tuesday, try again, leave better voice mail.
    -in preparation for visit: print diagnostic criteria, highlight relevant/irrelevant parts, make notes to self, possibly write script, do not chicken out

    so basically everything is due on the 3rd of June and i am hellbent on at least trying for a diagnosis on this thing that might not even apply to me bc i am human trash who Really Needs To Feel Special, Or Whatever, and somehow has decided that the best way to do this is to get myself labelled with a personality disorder. amazing.
    for now i'm gonna go to sleep so i can keep panicking at full force in the morning lmao
     
  2. Erica

    Erica occasionally vaguely like a person

    The instructions for the linguistics essay are literally "Critically examine an existing application of language technology." That's it. That one sentence is all the guidance we've got. (There's also a template for how the essay is supposed to look which would be super helpful if only it included examples of what I'm actually supposed to say rather than just a layout and 'here's how to cite your sources! here's how to format & include tables!' (fuck am i meant to include tables?? tables of what??) holy shit)
    I'm. That's bullshit. This is bullshit!!! That tells me nothing about what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to do it, it gives me no kind of indication of how in-depth or scientific I'm meant to go, I'm gonna scream, this is awful
    Also neither of my teachers have gotten back to me yet. ughhhhhhhh hhh h why is this a thing D:
    i don't have a solution for this yet i just had to scream for a bit bc THOSE INSTRUCTIONS ARE NOT ADEQUATE WHAT ARE YOU DOING UGH
     
  3. rigorist

    rigorist On the beach

    Our good friend Google says:


    Human Language Technology (HLT) refers to a rapidly evolving interdisciplinary field concerned with one of our most pervasive commodities: human language (both spoken and written) and its interaction with computers. In the past decade it has become an increasingly central component in the field of computer science, as it has become increasingly prevalent in our lives.

    Human Language Technology is concerned with human language, as it appears in emails, web pages, tweets, product descriptions, newspaper stories, social media, and scientific articles, in thousands of languages worldwide. Successful human language technology applications have become part of our everyday experience.

    The Human Language technology professional will have expertise in the domain areas of computer science, computer engineering and linguistics and combining expertise in these domain area provides us with a myriad of new and exciting innovations from conversational agents/avatars and automatic speech recognition on user devices to Internet search and machine translation of the world’s languages.​

    https://www.itb.ie/StudyatITB/bn530.html

    So it looks like you're supposed to write a couple pages of jargony bullshit about Words On The Internet. Like, "Twitter is bullshit" expanded to five pages with at least one citation to Baudrillard. Use Chuck Tingle as an example. So edgy . . . . .
     
    • Like x 2
  4. Erica

    Erica occasionally vaguely like a person

    Ehehe, I wish. (I'm counting the days until I let my curiousity get the best of me and read something of Chuck Tingle's.)
    But no, our lectures have been geared more towards... translators, chatbots and the likes. If I had an iphone i could talk shit about Siri for a while. Maybe I could do youtube's automatic subtitles thing? ohhh or I could find that video that was going around a few days ago w someone claiming they could make an in-ear translator bc according to what we've learned technology is so far away from that being possible at the moment I could probably crush that, might be fun
     
    • Like x 1
  5. Erica

    Erica occasionally vaguely like a person

    update: has made 0 progress on just about everything buuut my teacher got back to me about the lab, so now I know what I have to do for that, and I have an appointment w the psychologist friday next week. Hhhhhhh. we're gonna talk things through and they're gonna determine if they'll send me on to ppl who deal with actual diagnoses or if i'm too young/not incapacitated enough/mistaken about all of this etc etc etc

    I'm not sure Cleverbot counts! There's a chance I'm wrong but to my understanding Cleverbot doesn't actually construct sentences on its own, it just copies from earlier conversations. It's super fun but I don't know if it qualifies.
     
  6. Erica

    Erica occasionally vaguely like a person

    realisation: i don't study because as soon as i start studying the panic comes back, but when i'm not studying time & deadlines don't feel real. the reality of 'i have an important exam tomorrow' only exists if i try to actively prepare for it. when i'm not studying for it, it isn't real, so it can't stress me out.
    not studying is a silly technique for avoiding the failure panic and it's ridiculous because the less i study the more likely it is that i will fail.

    see theoretically i probably knew all these things already but i thought i'd gotten better since high school and this is pretty blatant evidence that it's actually gotten worse because at least in high school i did study, panic or not.

    anyways i'm probably gonna pass the exam either way because apparently not failing uni tests is my superpower, but i'm going to feel like hell all the way through, and i sorta deserve it. (definitely deserve it. then again, technically i have exchanged who knows how many hours of lowkey panic bc studying for test with an hour or so of highkey panic because i did not study for test, so like........... might be worth it.)
    ((no no it's not i need to start fucking studying again smh uni is not good for me this kind of freedom w my studies does not work for me at all and i wish i could work instead))
     
  7. Erica

    Erica occasionally vaguely like a person

    ah we don't actually, do it like that, or I mean at least not the uni I'm at right now -- you're only really supposed to do one class at a time, so I only have the one exam, (and then the essays and stuff but yeah)

    anyways this thread is about to earn the 'vent' title bc hooo boy The Full Panic just slammed into me excuse me while i just go through the motions of remembering how much i don't deserve any of the good things i have and how i shouldn't even be at uni at all and how abolsutely fucking pathetic it is that i'm studying something i genuinely love and still can't bring myself to do the actual work lmao what am i planning to do with this it's bullshit i'm bullshit what the fuck
    also tomorrow is the presentation and that is why the panic, that is why i am panicking, it hit home that public speaking is to be a part of this and i don't have a single proper friend in that class and i'm almost crying already i'm freaking out god i can't handle talking in front of people like that i can't i'm going to mess up and forget everything and cry and i'v e been overestimating myself up until now because!!! i thought it was chill!!! i've been a substitute teacher gdi and the presentation is in english it's not like holding a speech i literally just have to rant abt heteronormativity for a few minutes like i shit you not That Is It so i didn't even write a script i just thought through what i want ed to say and god i hate myself why did i think that was a good idea holy shit oh my god
    i'm going to make a mess of it and die from embarrassment and High Key Anxiety and i haven't talked to my teacher about this why haven't i talked to my teacher about this (oh right cause she hasnt been aroudn hahahhahahaha) why didn't i!!! see this coming!!!! even though it happens literally every time!!!!!!!!! fucK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    hah i'm legit going to cry in front of my classmates and it will be so fucking humiliating oh my god
     
    • Like x 1
  8. Erica

    Erica occasionally vaguely like a person

    okay i feel, a bit better now after having screamed at myself for a bit, but i'm still not really, okay, ugh
    at least breathing is happening again even if the steel wire around chest feeling is still doing its thing
    maybe i should cry probably catharsis might be a good thing idk i wish i could talk to my moirail but she's not in a good mental space this week so shit out of luck on that one it fucking sucks when we coordinate our crashes bc i can't sufficiently help her and i can't ask her to help me god i hate this

    on the upside, got the lab done (i managed to ask a classmate for help i deserve a fucking standing ovation) and, enlisted a friend to help me get really fucking drunk after the deadlines tomorrow, which is good because then i can't panic about things after they're over
     
    • Like x 1
  9. Erica

    Erica occasionally vaguely like a person

    man i miss boxing
    It doesn't but, OH HEY IT'S JUNE which means I can get a normal gym membership again ;u; thank the heavens

    Most of the anxiety surrounding presentation vanished after having listened to the first couple of people, because.... a lot of the anxiety was based around the fear of Not Being Good Enough and particularly not being connected to the class literature enough so what if i push myself through this and she still fails me but lmao one girl before me centered hers around emoticons? so that took some of the pressure off. ((my teacher has such low standards or maybe i have too high ones but this entire course has honestly been bizarre bc everything introduced as a Difficult Concept is literally just.... things I've seen daily on tumblr for the past 5 years. I talked a bit with about y'know the recent lesbian representation in media debate and how it's so rare to see adult happy lesbians in anything ever and she was like :0 :0 did you come up with this yourself?
    and then afterwards we chatted for a while and i mentioned how there isn't really a place for queer children since everything that isn't heterosexual and cis is seen as 'adult' and sexual and inappropriate for kids, and how lots of hbtq community spaces are 18+ and she was like 'you have to do something with this, write an essay!!' super impressed and i'm like......... people have been talking about this for ages though it isn't exactly new))

    I have also sent in one of the essays, and if I did that Good Enough (chance of success: low. i don't understand academia) i'll have passed that class!
    which means that all that remains is finishing the linguistics essay, which i should have been done with two days ago,
    I have 5 hours until the deadline whelp off i go
     
  10. Erica

    Erica occasionally vaguely like a person

    so going back to the negative side of things my head is super fuzzy and i am so tired. i did not plan this well. (that is a lie i planned this super well i just didn't follow that plan like, at all)

    also the friend just backed out of the post-deadline plans so i guess all i've got after this is. crying and trying not to think about it yeah sounds about right
    (if i get it done within the next 3 hours i might be okay enough not to totally freak out again and then i won't need to cry. that would be nice.)
     
  11. Erica

    Erica occasionally vaguely like a person

    ok so checking back with the first post,

    iiii have completed all of those things! (Things I anticipate having to do over: the exam, one of the lab raports maybe one or both of the essays, so, basically, everything, BUT! I have done the things, which is always better than not doing the things, and I didn't even send them in that close to midnight! which mean i have made myself deserved of playing video games for the rest of the evening oh yesss i haven't touched da:i in like 4 months
    ( no no i haven't done myself deserved of anything i've fucked my studying technique up so bad it's practically a lost cause this is ridiculous)

    as for the avpd thing, well, appointment in 7 days, so i guess it's time to shift my panic to the end of that + finding an apartment at this point. oh, joy.
     
    • Like x 1
  12. Erica

    Erica occasionally vaguely like a person

    have a really silly thing to be sad about compared to everything else going down (which i am also upset about, but somehow small things are annoying even when big things?? wow); i'm really frustrated by my inability to join in on things like the kintsugi villain thread bc that's fun damn it and i want in i want to make shitty self indulgent self insert ocs but the entire concept where it's like 'you as a _____' makes my brain screech to a stop because i'm not interesting enough for that. ugh. i'm really sick of feeling like i'm not worth talking to or getting to know or hanging around. (and then i'm even more tired of that being a self fulfilling prophesy because with one on one conversations i freeze up a lot and get uncomfortable and say silly or uninteresting things or end the conversation earlier than i'd've had to because i'm just so skittish! bluh :( on the upside, this conviction that i'm inherently less worth than others is apparently an avpd symptom. i guess.)
     
  13. Erica

    Erica occasionally vaguely like a person

    facts updates first, emotional rambling later:
    • Have seen psychologist, psychologist gave me a checklist for soxial anxiety to fill out for next time(which is tomorrow). It's very confusing. (There's two columns, one for grade of avoidance on a scale from zero to three and that one's easy bc they've sorted it so 1=1-33%, 2=33-67%, and 3=67-100% so the only complication there is do I rate it after how much I actually do avoid doing the thing, or how much I want to? and the second column is for grade of anxiety and that one is, ironically, anxiety hell to fill in because what counts as 'moderate' anxiety? What counts as 'strong'? It's also zero to three and I've no idea what qualifies as what ANYWAYS)
      • Psychologist is entirely disregarding avpd as an option (with the motivation that if it was avpd I wouldn't suspect it was avpd; my awareness that something's not right here disqualifies me from that particular diagnosis), which I was entirely willing to accept, but my friends pitched a fit about it. One of them volunteered to go with me next time, for moral support. (She's said she's going no matter what and if I don't want her actually in the room she'll wait outside. I haven't actually made my mind up.) I think... If I manage to gather up the courage I'll try to explain the reasons I think/thought avpd would be more accurate than social anxiety? also cmon it's not like i suspected anything at all until i saw the list of symptoms and was like 'wait a fucking second'
    • Definitely passed one of my classes! Yay! The Cultural Perspective/gender studies one, so that's great and I won't have to worry about it anymore!
    • The linguistics though. I HAVE A REAL DILEMMA HERE: Our teacher sent out a mass-email telling us she'd corrected our exams and we could PM her back to get our results if we wanted to, so I did, and she was like "You've passed!" and told me my scores were 17/20 , 15/20 , and 7/10, making a total of 39/50, which is a passing grade (and one point away from the highest grade possible. Sweden only has two passing grades in uni.) THE PROBLEM IS THIS:
      • that is not a logically possible score
      • i completely neglected to answer an 8 point question in one of those tests
      • i could not possibly have gotten higher than 12/20, and that is if i scored full points on all the other questions in that part
      • conclusion: something is not right here.
    Problem about that last thing is I'm not really sure what to do about it - I've considered PMing my teacher back, but what would I even say? "There's no way I did that well please double check your grading"? Ugh. I'm really scared my test got mixed up with someone else's and that person is now taking the fall for my mistakes, which.... NOPE, NOT OKAY WITH THAT. (also not really okay with passing when I know I haven't deserved to.)
    I've talked to my mother, and her advice (very insistent advice) has been to just... do nothing, for now, wait and see if these are the results officially entered (they were) and then, at the soonest opportunity, go get my exam and see what I actually got those points for.
    The earliest time I can do that is monday.
    Bluh. :I (Help/Advice on this particular matter would be incredibly appreciated. I'm locked at the thought that me not actively saying something about this right now makes me complicit in... I don't know, cheating? Throwing a hypothetical classmate under the bus? And mom is of the opinion that I had nothing to do with this, it's not my fault and thus not my responsibility.)

    oh yeah and i hate myself so much i can't even bring myself to talk to my girlfriend or even participate at all in the group chat we have with our mutual crush bc i don't deserve their attention or affection. logically i know not talking to them is not going to change that and is, in fact, more likely to hurt my gf than it is to do anything else, but yet! here i am! isolating myself! personal conversations / chat type things are hell and i am really frustrated about it!
     
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