so i was directed here from a homestuck IRC i found on tumblr, and apparently this is a forum where people can talk about Heavy Shit? uhhhh. hello. I just got out of a 3 year campaign to get into a group and earn the approval of some people i admire that led to everyone thinking i'm a broken human being and one of the big stars of homestuck fandom never speaking to me again, AMA apparently the way i think is not sane because whenever i explain my thought process to people multiple people will comment that it's fucked up and offensive. like whenever i'll say that society has levels. like anonymous < named people on the internet... all kinds of stuff. it's not "real" or "right" but it exists and we have to work with it... like school and money... someone who has a desk job vs. someone who works at McDonalds. nobody likes it, everyone wishes it would go away but we still have to operate within it. this is kinda how i see fandom. you have the basic fans who just get excited about the content, might not have a great grasp on the canon, consume other ppl's fanworks etc. then on another level there's the sea of forgettable content creators who make mediocre art. then at the top there's people like shelby, chaz, etc. i don't even have to mention the username because they are famous... APPARENTLY THAT MAKES PEOPLE REALLY OFFENDED though i try to be humble about it and acknowledge that i'm in the bottom/middle tiers and people in the higher tiers have no reason to interact with me... it's not beneficial to them to get involved with some upstart who doesn't even create good content. if they support you it must be more of an image-making gesture to seem nice like. it's a business. artists run a business and some of us are partners... but most of us are consumers. it's marketing. you don't get the same amount of insider info as the partners. you're essentially being played and agreeing to it and liking it and everyone understands this so the structure can function "but artists are people too and people want friends" but at a certain point you can choose higher quality friends because when you're highly popular so many people are approaching you... you can be picky. so i'm just trying to be valuable enough to be one of those choice picks and... i'm not even that good at art, i'm not creative, i'm dependent on other people for ideas and motivation and etc. i'm working to be on that level or just... anyone on my level to recognize me people tell me all the time that's wrong and fucked up but it seems so obvious to me. it seems like when people say that doesn't exist they're just trying to keep it a secret. people can't really be so unaware of the social structure? i don't know i hope i don't get banned for being offensive ALSO... ALSO..... i'm a baby llmao. i just want to be surrounded by people and be friendly with people all the time. i need constant reassurance. i get really insecure if i don't have a squad lmao. i haven't had that in so long and its wearing on me. but i see myself as really basic and worthless and i'm not an asset to any group. i'm not even funny and i have problems expressing my love for the people around me cause rejection & feelng creepy, idk how to sell myself fit in ???