Ok so, if this story seems slightly familiar it's because i might have sent seebs an ask or two with the details, err, a little skewed because of some slight paranoia. i'm also not expecting anyone to read this monster? it got way longer than i had planned. Ok so, dramatis personae: me, 23 year old. got into college at 16. i live with my mom (a doctor) because we live in the same city as my college. have been in an LDR since i was 15 - my boyfriend/fiancé lives two states over. My major of choice was Digital Communicatios, because it sounded cool and was a relatively short program, so i could be graduated and with an awesome job at digital communications - whatever it is - at 19 and a half!! whoo! that will totally show my cousins, gossiping aunts, judging uncles and highschool bullies that i am so much better than them! My therapist says i've probably been depressed since i was nine or ten, you see, and i've always tied my perception of self value so horridly close to how well i was performing academically that i thought that if i wasn't get all 100% in every subject (and also wasn't toally obedient and subservient and passive) i was a terrible trash human being that didn't deserve niceness and was a complete shame and disgust to my poor overworked mom, who worked so hard to raise and support me all alone after my father left us while she was still pregnant (which was, obviously, my fault, and of course she would not be so sad and stressed and lonely if i hadnt had the misfortune of being conceived). and i was - i was a shy kid who spent recess reading encyclopedias on the school library or drawing under the watchful eye of my control-freak grandmother who would not let me go play in the backyard because i would be kidnapped, raped and horribly maimed by the neighbours. it totally sounds like the recipe for a model, fully functioning mature citizen, right? thankfully a couple months before my 15th birthday i met this great guy on ragnarok online, we started dating in-game because our characters matched, around the holidays we have our first big fight and the moment it dawned on us that holy shit, maybe we werent just like playing dating on ragnarok online. very cute. He's the kind of boy who grew up throwing himself off the roof of his house repeatedly, because he thought it was fun, and my mom in law is what a woman would be like if Leslie Knope and April from Parks & Rec had a child and the child was really into public worker's labor unions. Very different from me and my mom. fast forward to 2011, i'm a bit better at being independent thanks to his support, and doing things i want to instead of what mom and grandma tell me, but... what i want to do is sleep for 26 straigth hours and give everyone a fright because i am horribly depressed. it was supposed to be my last semester at college, and i had only two classes and a paper to write - the Trabalho de Conclusão de Curso, a sort of mini-thesis. and i had no idea what to write it about, i hated my major - that turned out to be Advertising For The Internet and... not for me at all. i flunked one of those two classes and, although i passed it the next semester, i still hadn't handed in my paper by the end of 2012. or 2013. 0r 2014. i am just... purposeless. i have a subject to write about (fandom participation and influence in homestuck), but i just... i can't find the energy, the spoons, the will to do it. i cant focus, i cant read my reference books, i barely leave my room. i'm only passably content when i'm at my boyfriend's, and just... being home drags me down. my grandma's health is declining and because i'm the unemployed, youngest of the family (minus great-granddaughters) and she lives with us i have to take care of her 24/7 when i'm here. and like, i don't want to be mean or ungrateful but it's... it's such hard work. her temper flunctuates a lot, she screams at me because i leave the lights on the kitchen on while i am on the kitchen making her dinner, she screams at me because of my dog and i saw her kicking him once and my dog was one of the few things that made me overcome the panic attacks i was having all through 2012. she screams at me when i try to turn down the volume on the tv when it's on maximum and she knows tv sounds make me sick, i've had overloads that left me nonverbal for days and no one gave a shit here because no one even speaks to me if it's not about something they want me to do or a chore i didn't do to their standards. i dont remember the last time i laughed here outside of consuming fanfic or videogames because i cant even play catch with my dog without getting screamed at by my grandma for causing a ruckus when she wants to watch her god damned soap opera. i cant even sleep at night because it's the only quiet i get and. it's fucking awful sleeping in the morning or afternoon or in 30 minute naps through the day sitting in front of the computer. i just want to disappear? i dread coming home and i feel so shit about that. i get hopeful whenever i'm at my boyfriend's and the only reason i just... i just haven't stayed is because he just started law school and what kind of job would i have without a degree? how could i even support myself, or us? and also... my college was expensive. this whole mess of a major has cost my mom like $70k plus all the money i've spent being a total ass of a freeloader leech, i cant just drop out of college, i cant do this to her but i cant do my thesis either because opening the document to start writing makes me cry. and like, the fucking cherry on this shit sunday is that i've left myself be convinced by my bf that i really should consider taking the entrance exams for med school, which i sorta wanted to do since i was a kid but: i never thought i was smart enough to pass the entrance exams, which have an absolutely insane candidates per spot ratio: that's 99,71 candidates per spot in last year's entrance exams. two, i sorta didn't want to end up like my mom, which is an awful thing for me to say, but she is lonely and overworked and can't wear nice shoes because her feet are so swollen. three, i have a major fear of screwing up and end up killing someone and like. becoming a murderer. but there's people who believe in me, even my mom says she belives i can do it, that i can be a good doctor, but... she still insists i finish this degree so i can get a good job. i understand that it's because she's afraid i'll not pass, but... i just feel i can't. i need to study. the first part of the exam is 60 questions on History of Art, Biology, Phylosophy, Physics, Geography, History, Math, Chemistry and Sociology. My experience on these subjects during high school - when i was already burned out - was: History of Art, Biology, Phylosophy, Geography, History, Sociology: at least an 80% with minimal effort Physics: our teacher really liked me, so she put a lot of questions like "explain how this works" and "describe what would happen if X" or "the history about Y discovery was __" and very little equations. i know it was for me because she said so while i was discussing a scientific american or smt article with her: paraphrazing, "i can't believe someone can get so well how and why things happen and then flunk so spetacularly whenever you glance at a number and i hope you're grateful for what i'm doing for you" Chemistry: I fell asleep in class once in second year and never again understood a word of chemistry Math: HELLSENT BANE OF MY EXISTENCE. i hate numbers. i cant do numbers right. no one can convince me 872 and 287 and 728 arent the same fucking thing if i don't read anything number by number. i cant do multiplications or division in my head. i can barely manage change at subway. i'm almost crying thinking about how much i hate it. i didn't feel emotional talking about shit emotional baggage but OH MY GOD MATH IS SO AWFUL. the second part of the exam? writing, portuguese, english and literature. the four things where i ALWAYS got 100% in every single damn test without even being awake during classes. i am perfectly confident that i can steamroll the exam if i get a good writing prompt and like, maybe take a look at the study guide before bed the day before the exam. but i do have to pass the first part of the exam. the first part of the exam has math. with so many people trying the same major as you in one of the best public universities in the country it's really hard to get to the second part of the exam if you don't get that first damn near 100% right. including the part that has math. so i got a tutor for math, because i hope i've made it clear that i really fucking need it. and i'm twisting and kicking myself because.... i should be focusing on my thesis? instead of something i probably will suck at and flunk and... just generally continue to be a disappointment? and there's like... so many more variables and things that are uncertain in all this and just... if i pass, i'll move to be near him and it's a full-time school so i'll need to rely on my mom to live until i'm like 30 at least. and she's old? and i can't do it to her? i don't know. i cant stop feeling i've wasted my chance, that i took too long and now it's just not feasible anymore. i thought about taking the exam for English instead of Medicine because i'll have a much better chance to get in, but... i like english, i'm good at it but it's so into my comfort zone... i don't want to be in my comfort zone anymore? i want to grow. i want to learn. i want to do something good with my life, yknow? wow this is enormous. anyway. that's my rant.