Looks like I was wrong abt being unaffected by an abusive BF four years ago

CW for the obvious and apologies if this isn't making much sense. I'm a little out of it right now :')

a friend of mine's gf did some sort of passive aggressive flounce last night and seemed to be pissed that my friend (who was starting to get carsick) went offline while she was having some brain wrongs. Like? I think the HEALTHY response to that is 'thats a shitty thing ur doing, here's why, and please don't,' but MY response was to turn into a terrified ragebeast, run away, and spend the next three hours distracting myself from the urge to haul off and scream at her. And then be low-key anxious and shaky for 19 hrs now.

What she was saying and the way she said it was disturbingly reminiscent of an abusive BF I had back in my high school freshman year is what I /think this is about, but cripes, I feel so stupid and irrational. I was with him for 5 months at age 15 and haven't had a reaction like the one I'm having since the month after I dumped him. I'm questioning once a-fucking-gain if it was really abuse and figuring since it was only a few months I'm appropriating survivor struggles somehow? And I've never really though of myself as a survivor of abuse since it was a short time and he didn't get the chance to get that bad and so I'm rehashing things he did because I don't want to be labeled a survivor since I consider (considered?) what happened No Big Deal. Like, I've figured since the summer after grade 9 that while he was abusive, I wasn't abused because I'm too tough and got out too fast to have been, but. Ugh. I don't even want to say what I am is triggered, but I can't rly tell if that word applies here anyhow.

So because I'm trying to explain away his behavior, I humble request a reality check and offer the list of CAP (Crimes Against Pepe):

• Guilting me away from my friends (but what if I was just obsessive abt him and isolated myself?)
• Attempted guilt-tripping when I went somewhere without him to have fun (mostly ineffective bc I knew going to a movie with my fam or having a solo dance party didn't mean I couldn't go have fun with him another time)
• Accusation of infidelity because I painted my nails??
• Reaching up my skirt/touching my thigh after being told several times to stop (happened consistently, but maybe I just never said out loud to stop and only pushed his hand away?)
• ""playfully"" jabbing me in the side with his fingers (tho I don't remember if I told him he was hurting me doing that? I thought I did, but it's been a while. I'm near-positive he said he did it more frequently when I was being annoying but //flails in confusion)
• making unwanted sexual comments about me when we were around his/my friends (again, I thought I kept telling him to cut the shit, but maybe I wasn't clear enough?)
  
• Sending a five page text message full of insults, followed by the Silent Treatment because he expected me to apologize to him (which i did not do because that would be Illogical)
  
• One veiled threat of violence

Anyway my friend said there were guilty-feelings cos GF was upset and I spend half an hour emphatically explaining that she was being irrational and this is on her and that it's important to take care of urself before helping anyone else. Apparently the pair of them worked it out in a healthy-sounding manner this morning abt how passive-aggressing abt problems had with another's behavior in group chat (or at all) was not okay, so I don't think there's too much call for concern abt them rn. I'm still keeping an eye out tho cos I'm On Edge, esp since I managed to misinterpret what was being said the first time and thought that she'd now be saying the crappy things in secret rather than where anyone else could see and got the anxiety kicked up several notches :'D

I honestly dunno what I'm asking for here beyond reassurance that freshman BF did in fact behave badly and an answer to whether or not this would be considered getting triggered and/or if I'd be counted as a 'survivor.' Also I needed to vent, like, rly badly.

 

Your highschool BF behaved really badly, and I'm glad that relationship didn't last any longer than it did. It does sound like the experience with your friend and their GF triggered you, and that trigger formed from the experience with that boyfriend.

Whether or not you call yourself a survivor is up to you, really. That boyfriend was definitely pulling a lot of manipulative, abusive bullshit. I'd bet a dollar your wants re: his hand up your skirt and sexual comments were perfectly clear to him, but he ignored them because Reasons. And jabbing you in the side when you were being 'annoying' - that's something small children do and are disciplined for when they're caught at it. A kid in 9th grade shouldn't be pulling that shit, especially not on the person he's dating. Like, that alone could possibly be attributed to immaturity or whatever, but combined with everything else - well, he was Very Bad News.

 

Sorry about how long it took me to respond! And yeah, mom agreed with the Bad News thing way back when she convinced me to break it off.

Your reassurance helped me a lot yesterday. Thank you <3

(side note that im probs not gonna be calling myself a survivor. it feels inaccurate.)