So I know I have invasive thoughts, those are a gigantic pain in the ass, but I can sense when they're just that: thoughts. However I also have issues with sound. For instance: hearing things that just aren't there sometimes. - I used to hear music that i couldn't focus in on and make clearer in my head, some kind of soft rock type of thing that wasn't familiar whatsoever and that I couldn't recreate even if I tried. It wasn't neighbors or anything else because my spouse has been right beside me dozens of times over the years and he hasn't heard a thing.. which is awkward because his hearing is actually better than mine usually. - Thumps, knocks, thuds, and occasionally hearing Nate's voice or someone talking when nobody is there or nobody else can hear anything. etc.etc.etc. These are more prominent when I'm also seeing things in the corner of my eye or getting flashes of something bright in front of my vision darting past or dark things forming in corners. But lately.. I'm having another kind of sound happen way more often and it's scary. And I don't know what's going on. (Please note: i can't see a doctor yet, so I'm doing self research so that I will be ready as soon as I'm capable of getting help.) Lately, I'm hearing sounds that I am aware are coming from inside my head, or inside my inner ear, but it's very solid. Very compelling. It's like the intrusive thoughts but they're LOUD and I can't ignore them and it's pressure and screaming chanting in my inner ear overlapping from like four different voices and it feels so different from the invasive thoughts i'm used to dealing with. I know the sound isn't external, I know it's from me, but it feels so different from loud thoughts. It's like my head's going to burst sometimes, and the overlapping chorus of things screaming and berating me with my own worst thoughts about myself was alarming. It hit the hardest it ever has last night and it was almost too much even while being held and comforted. I guess I want to know what the fuck is going on, and maybe how to cope with it till I can get help, because these are new symptoms or more intense symptoms out of left field and it's kind of overwhelming.
I'll give these things a shot. I wasn't sure to call them hallucinations or not because I'm aware it's not really there, or I'm aware it's just in my head. I'd always heard it had to be strictly external or that you have to not be sure of the source beyond that for it to be an actual hallucination instead of just.. I don't know. Thinking very hard but not thinking of those things and them happening anyway. But I will definitely give these things a shot, thank you very much.
