Many things [depression and jobs and family and just fuck it]

YES MOM THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, WHAT A PERFECT TIME TO COME IN AND SHIT ON ME, EVEN IF THAT IS NOT YOUR INTENT.

AAAIGH.

I just. I'm trying to write right now and I am so angry and upset right now, because THINGS HAVE BEEN GETTING BETTER I AM BETTER EVERYTHING IS BETTER AND THEN.

Ok fuck it I am making a list of things to give you all background.

1. My dad doesn't have a job because the company he worked for has left Peru.
2. Mom is stressed about finances, not because we will be homeless or anything, but because she Does. Not. Want. To use our savings for daily life stuff. Her job covers rent and maintenance, and that is it. So there has been a lot of emphasis lately in cutting down costs, in eating less expensive stuff, using cheaper transport, that I need to get a job or sufficient gigs to start contributing to the family and. That is fair! I want to contribute after being supported for two years and stuff.
3. Mom doesn't want to scare my brother who gets very sensitive and worried about money since forever so she asked me not to talk to him about it, especially so that he can get through college just fine and get his job and because he is the only one actually progressing anywhere in the nuclear family right now, which is why I'm not posting about this on my tumblr.
4. It is now two years after graduating from college, and I've gotten much better dysthymia wise to the point that I am almost a normal fucking person who can do things, but I still have trouble in some things.
5. I am overwhelmed by job searches because I DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW IT WORKS ANYMORE. HOW DO I FIND A COMPANY OR ORGANIZATION TO WORK FOR? I DON'T. I HAVE APPLIED AND I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE EVEN WHEN TOLD I AM EXCELLENT AND SMART AND A GENIUS BY MY PARENTS AND WENT TO AN EXCELLENT COLLEGE AND HIGH SCHOOL AND CAN DO THINGS AND AM CREATIVE BUT LOOK AT THAT I AM FUCKING USELESS BECAUSE I CAN;T DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS I CAN;T FIND A FUCKING JOB I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING DECIDE WHAT AREA I WANT TO STUDY OR WHAT WANT TO SPECIALIZE IN FOR BIOLOGY/ECOLOGY BECAUSE I AM A USELESS DRIFTER WHO WASTES HER PARENTS TIME AND WILL BE A BURDEN FOREVER BECAUSE SHE IS TOO EMOTIONALLY SELF CENTERED TO GET AFUCKING JOB DESPITE BEING SMART AND OBVIOUSLY NOT DEPRESSED ANYMORE.
6. My parents have paid all of my college debt. They will do the same for my brother. We can pay it, as a family, but it will be expensive, of course, because fucking USA colleges despite getting some scholarships and financial support there, especially my brother who isn't a us citizen.
7. I have been getting so much better, I regularly remember to do things like ,say, put on face cream every day or brush my teeth, and I make my bed and I am going out more but IT ISN't ENOUGH AND I AM DRAGGING ON MY FAMILY AND MYSELF and
8. Mom is so stressed about job stuff and money that we're going to move, and like, I understand, cutting costs, find a smaller apartment that is easier to look after and we can buy and thus not spend money forever on rent, ok. So she talks to me about this. Very often. Three times a week she tells me her worries and her stresses.
9. This includes my dad who is currently job less and alsohas some depression we think which is where I inherited it from, but dad doesn't accept he has fucking depression or possibly something so we've kind of given up on getting him diagnosed and stuff.
10. Also my meds are fucking expensive. Because fuck me is why. And ocassionally mom and dad go "I'm so glad you aren't depressed anymore! Maybe it is time you start weaning off your meds because you only have stress not depression" since apparently dysthimia means that when I don't have double depression pulling me down I don't need meds? I AM AFRAID OF NOT TAKING MY MEDS. I AM AFRAID OF FLALING DOWN THAT HLAGAIN AND bEING TERRIBLE AND USELESS
11. So mom is stressed because dad doesn't seem to be doing things, and I'm trying to be supportive and she is trying to be supportive and she is also pushing me to lose weight and do exercise and get a job and stop lazing on my computer and why dont I hang out more with friends and I need to get more money and start paying my own meds and I am getting stressed
12. Yesterday I got a cold, not too bad, but a cold, so I spent the afternoon after class resting and got spoiled by dad bringing me dinner to bed an that was nice and I still have the cold just a lot milder
13. And last night right before sleep I got really upset by the news about Charleston because that is horrible, that is so fucking horrible, what the fuck, what the FUCk what is wrong with people and I am so worried an I don't know wht to do and I am just up[set and sad about people and Icried my self to sleep because I am a pathetic whitey idiot who makes that entire community's pain and fucking christ, in a church, shot, christ, I am making it all about myself, patetic
14. And I am keeping mom company as she gets dressed because she wanted to talk to me and dad is there and dad knows I am upset about Charleston because I'm the one who tol him to turn the news on and watched before going to bed and I tell mom I am upset about this and she is like "oh we can't let that affect us you can't let the news affect you because we have too much to do" which like congrats mom, that is totally whathelps and i know tis but being told is obviously how I MAICALLY stop being upset OBVIOUSLY
15. She comes to my room as I go to get ready ot shower and get my clothes ready because I promised her I would make a list of places I'm going to job apply to and there are things I want to do apart from study for class and go to class today even though I won't bike today because I am a lazy uesless idiot I have a cold and biking i nthe cold for an hour is probably not the best way to get better when I am in the beginning of my period
16. Oh right, shark week but I am not feeling it too strongly so it is probably not the issue orwhy I am so upset
17. And she comes into my room to talk and she is like "I've decided to be realistic because it has been to years and you havent gone anywhere and I don't see you doing anything big or research, so why don't you become a biology teacher for ahigh school" and no I won't be a teacher for schools because I would be USELESS AT DEALING WITH CHILDREN IN BIG GROUPS but THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME I MA NOT GOOD ANOUGH AND NOT BETTER ENOUGH ALREADY AND SHOULD SETTLE FOR SOMETHING AND ALL THIS WHEN I HAVE A COLD AND MY PERIOD AND I AM UPSET ABOUT FUCKING TERRIBLE NEWS IN A SELF CENTERED WAY OBVIOUSLY THIS IS WHEN YOU SHOULD COME AND TELL ME SOMETHINg so I told her "mom no, please stop, please don't stress me when I'm already upset and sick" and she is like "But I will tell you because you need to-" "NO mom, no" and so she left in her terrible dissapointed and sad and also angry qay and now I am upset and sobbing and Just

augh I don't kno I can't put this on my tumblr because brother will then get upset and I don't want to upset him and give im stress and he probably has seen me talk about this forum on tumblr but I don't want this to be linked to my username so of course private forumbut this is such a dumb reason for private tforum oIam taking oyur space and no, no no, and now I want help but I don't know what to do and I don't know what I am and I am dumb dumb and I am not dumb that is just sadness and just

 

I am a disappointment

 

Hey. Even if your parents don't understand, it's okay to just be, and to progress at whatever rate you need to.
And I can commiserate, finding a job is Hard. Feeling like you're a burden to your family is not easy. But you have worth. Your worth isn't tied to how fast you progress or whether you have a job or not or what you weigh or how much you exercise, it's tied to who you inherently are. You're a good person. You're just having a tough time right now, but things will get better.
And yeah, maybe you need to adjust your goals, but they still need to be your goals. They need to be things that you feel that you can do, and that you can feel good about. And I feel like you really are on your way, at least short term goalwise, at least from seeing you post your to do lists on tumblr and checking things off. You really are getting somewhere, even if you don't feel like it.

Anyway, you are an amazing person, and you have a bright energy to you, and I'm rooting for you.

*hugs*

 

I didn't go to portuguese classes this afternoon because at some point I had been crying again despite trying not to fall into it and feeling bad and decided that going cold, dealing with things and try to concentrate when I cn't concentrate on even reading things I like was going to go wrong. Dad arrives and is relatively fine/neutral, makes me tea when I ask him for some. I lie in bed reading rather peacefully.

In the afternoon, dad is cursing in the kitchen and asks me for help with cooking so we have dinner tonight. I tell him that I'm not going to the concert tonight (we've got... cycle tickets? Family signed up for this years symphonic cycle which means we get tickets for all these concerts at like 40% price or something, my parents love it and I rather enjoy it but today no, just no) and he's like ok, so like, he is cooking because that way when they get back from the concert everyone can heat up dinner without effort. And he leaves because he needs to buy a few ingredients, so hes at the market and left me with three things to chop up and I do them slow because I don't feel good and I start snoffy niffling because onion but then it calms down and I am doing a chore without thinking which feels nice even if I do feel snifflysnoff. Dad comes back and is like "as always super slow" because I haven't finished chopping things, only one veggie to go, and its like "yep" because I don't feel in the mood, and he tries again "you can't always do things slow" and I go, unreasonably, "Well I don't give a fuck right now", and then he goes "the world is not going to wait for you to do things, or for you to feel better. It won't stop because of your period or your cold, people go to work with their colds nad their periods" and I am so upset, because I know, I know life doesn't work that way I know that it isnt patient I've done that myself I've gone to class on my period and in a cold groggy and out of it even if I didn't feel like it I have done it I could have done it maybe but I didn't because I'm trying to take care of myself, and I start crying quietly because this on top of this morning is too much shit but I'm still chopping shit nad finish and then he goes "wait are you crying" and yep I am "I can't believe you are crying because someone told you that you are doing something to slow, that is too much" and at this point I can't explain or talk I just, I tried to say that it wasn't aboutthat it was things but then it was just, I couldn't, so it was quiet, but I kept crying and I helped more in teh kitchen because it was obvious that dad was behind on making his thing and needed the help so I start washing dishes and then he goes "women everywhere go to work for hours and hours with their periods and colds and they don't lie n their bed caves all day" and at this point I just. I know. I know I'm pathetic and terrible and weak and I know that people are better, and I know I'm not doing what I should be and that I am terrible, and he just goes "byou are a powerful woman, I can't believe this. You can do more" and its just. I'm not and I deserve every single word and evert shit because I am a waste and I am failing and I was feeling so good about fucking putting cream on my face or eating breakfast every day, how pathetic am I, I haven't even had a terrible traumatic experience I haven't been abused or raped or hurt or anything I'm just a spoiled little girl who has been handed everything including her expensive education and I am wasting my parents time and money with this so I just. I keep quiet and just.

It is so frustrating. I am both angry and sad and upset and I both agree and disagree and I just. I just was crying more and he was getting mroe and more confused and just "look, just, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you stopped feelign sorry for yourself, like today where you didn't go to classes, if yo uhad goe instead of staying in feeling sorry for yourself you'd do things and be fine" and he's trying to motivate me and its just. It's just proof. It's just of course. My mom and pdad have gone to colleges where they worked to pay it off and didn't have support networks and they were literally on their own and evne when sick or whatever they did what they needed and here I am, I went to a greats chool with lots of help and even then I fucked up how the fuck could I be such a shameful waste, mom has survived planes shooting bullets and revolutions and guerilla bomb going off and she putters on and does things and faces the world, and dad fucking thought he had cancer for two years in college and he went to college and still worked and paid off things and the treatment to get sufucking seven tumours out of his stomach (it asn't cancer, but the doctors said it was very likely so he had constant checkups and it was antoerht time he coul dhave died) and he sitll did everything, he worked full time, he studied full time, he cooked for himself, my parents are amazing look at thwat theyve done and what they do and lok at me how pathetic how easy I am hurt and useless I am over NOTHING NOTHING I fall down in the moleburrow when they climbed the moutnains so I just kept crying and he was just insisting "Stoip feeling sorry for yourself! You can do things you are a genius you are brillaint and beautiful" and its juts, all that is just eve worse, I cam smart and good at some stuff and that means it is evne worse because I am pathetic and a waste of space and intelligecne that should have gone to someone else who coudls juse it, should go to a daghter who would be good for everyone, who woudln't be terrible like this, who isn't wastingaway dependingo n her parents and being rpiud just because thse FUCKING EATS TWO FRUITS A DAY NOW WOW isnt' that AMAZING WOW and when I couldhave been, I could maybeahve done more and be working and be amazing butnowinstead I wallow and and the same time i botha agree and am disagreeing and I can't fight because I am so sotired and crying and crying and he just. He stops and hugs me and he just asks what is wrong why am Icrying whyam Iso upset about this what is going on so I told him about mom and he is like "shes right youre being to slowyouneed a job, you cantfall down when she saysthings like that, you should have said 'oh really you think that well I WILL SHOW yOU' I am sorry to say something hurtful, but you need to know the truth" and I start criyng more and more and it just, it was crying and Ididnt say anything and just cried and its just its so strange because my parents are so good but now withti subject its like, so strange, its so strange to see and hearthem soudn like this and he just "there are people who go to work from 5 ama dn get home ad midnight and sleep four hours and they keep going and youare upset over this" and yes, texactly, they dobetter and here iam they face tctual things and im just pathetic here and being etrrible and hes just, i know hes trying to goad me into action, trying to get me into acton and prove hsoe words wrong but i cant becasue theyre right and hes giving advice and telling me thingsihes said million times before but they haven worked, i have done this and I WBROEK DONEW I LIVED WITH REAL LIFE I WENT TO COLLEGE AND I FUCKIG BROWKE BECAUS I HAD A LOT OF HOMEWORK? THAT IS SO PATHETIC THAT IS SO LAME HOW

its was quiet and I asut kpet washing and cleanign and chopped osme garlic for him and i cant stop and couldnt stop crying because i just.i msot tired its like suddenly everyhting i had gained was lost and imjustahetic, two years i graduated and now i am here andn o job no volutneer wstuff no one,such a waste of potential of things and my life and im just sgrudingong and some me is angry enoug hthat i finally start replying when he starts again bu going that need to do things, need to stop thinking about doing things and od things, het out of my cavebed, meet people, take decsiosn and classe sand i have been doin that so i desperately siad vloudly "IHAVE" and hes like no and ts like "YES IT IS LITTL BUT I HAVE I HAVE GOTTEN BETTER" and hes like good now do more and its just "THAT IS IT ITI SNOT ENOUGH I GET BETTE RBUTI ITS NOT ENOUGH" and I can't remember th rest because i thik it went into dad getting angry about me being dfeatist andtesll me to stop gfeeling sorry for myself if i stop feelign sorry for myself i lll be fine i will mess up but taht is ok we all make mestakes but i need ot move and do actiosn

and i almost scraemed that i am doing thigns and i tried all these things and mi have done better but it is not enoguh and i know imawsting my life and i kno its terrible and not good enough but i do and i do and icant and he stays to stop pittying myself and its like but i am bad i know i know i cant do this when like you said women like this just keepgoing despite facing problems more problems athan i do and its like yes you see your arefeeling sorry for yoursefl sto p comparing youresle to others and i just kind of scream then stop comparing me to others because he des that he goes no i dont and its like yes tou do dad youere just oding that oyu were telling me of thwat you doid and how oyu kept going even he nyou tere possible cancer and he is like ok yes but like no idont and its yes i said again like yo uwer etalking about those weomn and i feel lbad and ive been fightingi talslday and i made a decision to not go because itsi tworth it or maybeits beter so i dont feel bad tomorrow but hes like see, see youi are pitying yoruself and now

and now i am too tired for the rest its too bundled up and messed up and i just iam so sorry i am sosorry

 

hes right imno t but imright and also hnot and i just want someone to be able to filml my life so they can go whosright and teach swhat to do if dad is wrongthe can be and tell him and nt me ind if it is me the an tell me so it doesn tog more and god

 

(((Raire)))

You know, if you have depression and/or other woes like poor executive function or whatever, transitioning from college into the work world can be one of the hardest things ever. It really has nothing to do with how smart or worthwhile you are. It's a whole different skill set from knowing how to navigate the world of academia. Yet no one prepares you for this fact. Or prepares your family for this fact.

So, suddenly you go from brilliant, motivated student to suspected ne'r-do-well without having changed one hair of your head, while some mediocre students burst into the work world like they were born for it. Actually, they were born for it. And some of us were not at all, at all, at all. That doesn't mean we can't do it. The thing is, you need assistance, not a pep talks or a good talking to or a reality check or whatever. You need actual boots on the ground help with this. You need help with this the same way someone with a bad hip needs physical therapy. Sure they can survive without it, but they want to be able to run again, not just hobble. And they can with help. People like us need help with getting into the work world that is as intense and real and to-the-point as physical therapy is to a bad hip.

And none of this is a judgment against you as a person. Being not good at this is no more a moral failing than not being a good artist or having a poor singing voice. Not everyone is expected to be able to draw or sing, yet somehow everyone is expected to be a genius at networking and other job hunting skills like its some sort of freaking natural instinct.

For one thing, if your mom or dad or some other relative or friend of the family has a little pull to help you to get a foot in the door at some place of employment that would be suitable (actually really suitable and not parent-fantasy of you suitable), they need to come put their arm around your shoulder and guide you into some opportunities, to speak in your favor and to pull any and all strings they can. "This is Raire. She's great. Hire her. Mentor her. You won't regret it."

Also, job hunting training is a thing. Maybe there's something available near you.

I think it would be very OK for you to ask for this sort of help. Have a little reality check talk with you mom for a change. The family pulling together means that some of the pulling needs to be in your favor, and that's for everyone's benefit.

For instance, while you're working on the job getting thing, that needs to get your full attention. If you have one spoon, it needs to be able to go there. You might suggest that any comments, however well meant, about your weight or exercise or computer habits or family dynamics or whatever need to wait for now. You need to clear your mental desk of superfluous concerns as thoroughly as possible and they need to help you keep it clear. You need positive messages propping you up. Daily. No griping. Not because you want to be a special flower or anything silly like that, because you don't, but for the whole family's benefit in successfully getting you properly launched into the work world. And for heaven's sake you need your meds. Going off them would be penny-wise and pound-foolish. If you're left to mentally sink or swim that won't help anyone.

Sorry. I'm pretty passionate on this issue.

 

Don't know if this is helpful info, but for me having to work in slow motion is a sign of autistic shutdown closing in. Not that you and I are necessarily the same on this, but in that it's not something that calls for criticism but rather calls for concerned but positive and helpful attention. It can be a symptom rather than a fault, is what I'm trying to say.

 

One more thing, Your current lassitude is probably to a great degree attached to the bind you're in. This whole what if you had a job and were sick and on your period isn't an apt comparison. Once you have a suitable job, the types of stress you will be under will probably be significantly different from what you're under now, hopefully more of an eustress situation, and you may find that you are working as successfully through discomforts as you once were when going to classes. Don't cast how you feel now as a predictor of how your work life will be. Not that there won't be any problems, but it won't be an exact mirror of the problems you're having now.

OK. I'll stop now. :)

 

Thank you to everyone who responded. I'm too worn out to reply right now, but I am calmer and trying to relax a bit. I'll come back to this tomorrow or so.

 

Update: Mom arrived, and came to apologize for being brute and coming down on me when I was already feeling down and upset, and reiterated the stuff she nice stuff she usually says to me, said sorry/asked me to forgive her, and said that it was good and fine to be cold and get angry at people who abuse you and to hold your ground if they hurt you. I said I accepted her apology. I nearly started crying again there, but apparently I'm too tired for that because it died and instead my eyes hurt a lot. Which is probably dehydration so I will drink a lot of water.

 

Dad has also apologized this morning with a "I'm sorry for being so harsh on you, sometimes we mess when trying to do the best for our children".
I'm still sick, unless it is allergies? Regardless I still feel like lukewarm shit but the selfloathing is at bay right now. Marshalling strength cuz I have a small exam in class today I can't miss.

 

Yeah, it's never really clicked with me that they're abusive, but a few friends were really concerned after some of our fights. I think part of why this time it affected me so strongly when they said this is because I couldn't have foreseen that my mom would say something like that. It was having the ground ripped from underneath me.

I think they just don't understand. They got a lot better the last time because they noticed it wasn't working, and after some time the change and what I asked of them actually let me improve, so now that I'm showing such signs of improvement they felt like this shouldn't be a thing anymore and it can all go back to "normal". And also, the added stresses they are dealing with. Now that it had such a catastrophic failure, they're back to different reactions.

I'm kind of emotionally reserved from them right now. I'll... work on things this weekend I guess. I don't want hugs from them and mom is sure to want to give me spoiling and pampering re: physical contact that I like (getting my head and hair stroked, hand patting, holding hands while we watch tv or what not) so I will probably just have to do some "new temporary boundary" stating for this.

... I dunno, does that make sense? I am a bit worried that I'm not making sense because I'm so tired. I don't think I've stuttered in my life, even when I had speech therapy, but yesterday and parts of today have included stuttering so like. Bluh.

 

God, well, mom had another surprisingly mean burst out regarding jobs and job applications and whether I'll be useless and lazying in limbo forever.

She even said that dad had been saying, and that she was beginning to believe him, that I was just manipulating her to be supported comfortable without doing a thing. And that she couldn't believe I hadn't done a bunch of things we've been talking about and suggested and wanting to do for the past six months or so (It's hard to keep track how long? it comes and goes...) and asked if I was just an fucking imbecil (idiot) and that she didn't think it was depression, just that I'm an idiot and, and that I could do whatever the fuck I wanted but she was done helping me.

I think my mom is too stressed out of supporting me and the whole financial deal. I have never seen her lash out like this before. It's. It's really painful because. I'm not used to that. I'm not used to mom being angry at me, especially not like this... disappointed when I messed up maybe, but not angry and looking like she wants to spit and hurling out such hurtful things. Like, it was so unusual that my brother and I always freaked out a bit when it happened, because it had always meant we had really fucked up and scared her, usually by putting ourselves in danger or being really selfish. Seeing her like this is really, really scary.

I'm more used to Dad being the one who gets irrationally angry when stressed and angry. He got better with it, but he does have phases, but he definitely got better as we grew up and as we (brother and I) started standing up for ourselves more. I know that a lot of my mom's lack of anger at us was that she was always balancing dad out and purposefully shielding us when he got stressed and angry, which is funny because when I got to my teens I started doing that for her by arguing at him and reminding him what a gift mom is (I think I once literally asked him if he was trying to get rid of mom, with the way he was treating her for two months).

I think mom is just really, really stressed, faced by feeling impotent and unable to help her daughter in the midst of feeling stressed because dad didn't make the greatest financial decisions back when we had more money we could have invested (she keeps complaining to me in private conversations that she had been this close to buying property so we could rent it out for income but that dad always dissuaded her, but that at least he recognizes he did wrong) and. I think mom is just stressed. And that she doesn't understand depression because I am doing better, and the person who was helping me treat in Bolivia, who helped a lot of people she knows and her family, (she's... kind of a therapist but also a bit like an alternative therapist? But it did help when I used her tools and I need to start using those destressing things more) but apparently the therapist said I don't have depression, just that stress overloaded me and I need to manage my stress, so I guess now she is convinced I am... pretending? Lazy? Dumb?

I thought I was doing really good. I've been eating more healthily, doing more exercise and keeping my things under control, and I keep mentioning the healthy habits I'm forming like drinking six glasses of water daily (I'm up from four now), and I've lost weight slowly but steadily so that it isn't stressing me or my body but probably mostly because of the exercise and being awake more time, and I get up more easily in the mornings... I still take a lot of time to get on some stuff, like what she asked me to do that I was doing today, but I'm doing better and.

And she's never been like this and I am afraid and scared. I'm trying not to end up like I did on my first post of this thread, and concentrate on finishing writing the letter of interest for this cool volunteer opportunity, and write the networking email, so I can send it, but I am having a hard time with it right now and before I shut myself in my room she came to my door and demanded I be done and cc her in the email and it was very threatening tone and I know she isn't going to hurt me, but it is very scary and painful and I am not happy at all right now and I want to hide forever and I'm wondering about how practical it would be to go hide in a coffee shop tomorrow evening so I don't have to be around her.

 

When mom woke me up this morning she went with me to check emails, then apologized about hurting me, but that she can't promise she won't do it again because she's stressed from, well, everything I've mentioned before. I think she got afraid when I wouldn't look at her in the eye or say anything much. I haven't been emoting a lot now, and dad forced me (he didn't have to try hard) to get me to go out on a walk with him with the theory that getting out will help me feel better and think about other things, but I definitely have withdrawn and am really just going through the motions in things. I'm very non responsive right now to most of what he says or his comments. Usually we talk some on the walk but mostly I just nodded and went "uh uh" and "yeah." to his comments.
The wall of not feeling will probably go away when I get less stressed, but for now I'm kind of in cocoon mode.

 

Is it ok if I just lie down. Dad is trying to hustle me around more to like, go do groceries and stuff but I just want to hide.

 

I'm not sure it would make things better but I kinda wish we could get you back to the states. HUGS

 

I've been managing so far, kind of restablishing myself up even though frankly a lot of my daily habits have been shot into hell (sleeping regularly and waking up easily at 9 am? NOPE now it is a struggle to get up at 10 am again. New standard of minimum six glasses of water a day? WOOPS I GOT SHOT BACK DOWN TO THREE WELP. Being happy and having energy? Well... nah, not really.). Also I started overeating and having little impulse control again, so I've suddenly gained the weight I've been slowly losing carefully through regular exercise and avoiding snacking on like, two chocolate every afternoon after class.

Or like today, where I ate an entire packet of raviolis meant for four people for dinner because... because I am upset and hunger filling, even though I knew it was a bad idea and told myself that while making it. And then ended up with a full and painful stomach.

... I am not happy with this at all.

It doesn't help that a long planned visit is now taking place! I've known for ... two or three months at least that my grandma and my uncle were going to come over and stay over for two weeks, and I was actually very excited for this because yay! Family! I love them! I wasn't even bothered by the fact that my grandma would stay in my room and I'd stay upstairs in the little alcove bed.

But since I first made this thread, I've just... I've had a hard time. I'm managing, but it isn't with the ease it was before, and I'm very sensitive and stressed and tense and my back has started hurting, I wince and retreat a lot, and I've been spending a lot of time alone to let myself recover. This + now not having my room + added responsibility of having two guests in the house, one of them a 90 year old lady = suddenly getting... not irritable, but definitely affected by small stupid things. I've been getting nauseous after meals, and nauseous without meals, and my guts aching a bit anywhere in between. I am feeling more tired and stressed by small things, and want to hide more lately and just having less energy. And I really think it can be related to mom's outburst in my first post.

A few minutes ago, I had the following conversation with my dad when he came upstairs to talk to me:
"Hi princess, I have a comment to make"
"Oh god, please no, please no, I don't want to deal with these things toda- ok so, the past two weeks, I've been really off these past two weeks but I'm getting to a good level again -" (Possibly overreacting?)
His face gets angry, not super angry, but very irritated "Well, I can't let it wait because life doesn't wait you can't just keep putting things off until you are 'ready', life keeps going and you have to keep up! I was going to tell you this kindly but instea-" he stopped, stared at me still irritated but a bit more set faced than reacting, and then continued: "I was going to comment that you never had any intention of going on your bicycle today. Why is that?" "I was going to! I had every intention!" "Then why didn't you?" "I felt ill! I haven't been feeling well lately!" "Well, this is less about what you need to do and more that it costs us 30 soles every day for you to take a taxi there and back and we're all trying to save money. I want to see you going on your bike to your classes every day" "That's what I'm trying - " (pause as I remember that he hates it when I go "I'm trying" and he's of the "do, don't try" school even though after listening to him explain his reasoning for wording it seems to me like his "doing" is just "trying but saying you are doing", whereas to me it seems to me that he considers trying as "an attempt was made and then I gave up" and that is not what trying means), "I'm working on it, I'm working on everything!"

He left downstairs, I stared angrily at my laptop, sent a message to friends on Skype that basically went "Gnnn sudden anger at dad" and then burst into tears.
I am so fed up and tired and it's obvious I've tested the limits of my parent's patience and I just
augh.

 

Sorry for being whiny