Many things [depression and jobs and family and just fuck it]

I can hear my dad going "i do not just think this I have observed it" in response.

Heh. Oh well at least I think I did well in that convo and mom says I did a good job. I will have to talk with her separately too.

 

I'm going to make a plan. A plan on what I want to do with myself. I will make a big, good, detailed plan.
First, I'm going to identify my weaknesses and what I want to improve of myself. I will make it into a list. I will share it with my parents and ask for feedback. This will include more personal weaknesses and things I want to improve, and it will include stuff about making myself more appealing to employers.
Then I will make a list of things I want to do to improve those weak areas.
But first, I'm going to finish study for my exam today.

 

Don't forget to identify your strengths too. :)

 

Fair, yes, thank you Ink.

 

Why am I constantly fucking things up why am I always ruining my efforts and being useless and now I won't have a bike anymore because dad bought it and he says that since I only use it two out of five times I'm supposed to be using it to get to class then something is wrong and he doesn't want to waste time and money for me to do nothing and I was asking to please not that I'm getting better that I just need to keep at it and I suggested we sell this one and buy a cheaper one instead but he said no I can use my money for it so I guess I will do that but it is so dumb I am ao dumb I could have taken it yesterday and today and and I didn't have a real reason not to I just kept putting getting ready off until it was too late and I took the taxi instead and now I won't have a bike and I can't run because my knee hurts and the doc said cycling so I have to buy a cheap one so where do I go find one in this city and if I just actually did the things k set out to do and I I stopped buying junk sweets after class I wouldn't be fat and if I were to not forget or procrastinate on my exercises my knee would be fine probably and if I were good I would have a job and contribute and not be a money sink to my parents and why did I think I would be trusted I don't deserve that responsibility and I am deceiving my parents so that they think that if I put an effort I would be fine and I just come up with excuses I don't value anything not really I am a spoiled brat and no I can't do it dad I am sorry I am sorry hat you got fooled into thinking that your daughter is smart and just lazy I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I can't stop crying I'm sorry I'm sorry

 

I'm sorry I'm sorry I don't know where Togo I can't stop crying I can't stop feeling sorry for myself I can't hide in my room cuz it is currently my grandmas room and this bed has no door to close because it's the upstairs big room not a private room we just put an extra bed here and I don't know how to stop crying I need to stop cryin I have to be productive I don't even know wfat I would but I have todo it I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

 

I'm sorryaybe I'm just making it up I'm just lazy and I'm sorry I don't face things I'm sort I don't face it I don't face my problems I just run away and cry I don't kneoe why I'm wrong in sorrt

 

I haven't even done my destrsssing exercise mantra thingies I on we a month I just keep not doing it I write and don't do it Nd why a m I not doing it it helps but I not doing it I should do it I can't stop sniffing and crying and I'm sorry u want my mom but I would just upset her I want a hug from dad but he's right but he's wrong because I can't do the km just a fool and I want to call my brother but I can't because he's sleeping it's gotta be two am in Uganda or something he has work he's actually capable I don't want to bother him I want my mom but she'll come and get sad that I ruined the last day of grandma visiting I suck in sorry

 

Thank you. People I am keeping myself under control no. Not quite ok but. I need to stay calm until relatives leave so we have a nice afternoon and evening. No need to worry.

 

Ok so now I have one spot on my back that hurts and hurts and is getting worse and I am fairly sure that bottling up everything has resulted in a huge knot on the right side of my back.
I am going to have to look up stretches but I'm not sure if I can manage them because it hurts.

 

Ajajajaja ok so I've been taking care of dad because he's sick/injured (I don't wanna go into it its his stuff and not my place to tell) and mom is on her trip and we've been fine even though I've been sick. Last night tho the pain got too bad so I drove dad to the clinic at 3 am on one hour of sleep.
I hate driving but I did it! I am vaguely proud of this.
He's gonna be fine, staying in the hospital for a few days, and now I'm gonna pass out because I also drove back to make sure the dogs get their food. I should take them out for their walk but they can pee and poop in the terrace though they like the park more (of course they do I would to), so I'm gonna snooooze.

 

You definitely rose to the occasion. :)

Hope your dad recovers well.

 

Thank you @michinyo and @Ink for the kind words.
Dad improved pretty well. He spent four days in the hospital, and I was in charge of pretty much everything and everything was pretty peaceful. I cleaned the house and cooked my food, took the dogs out and gave them their food and mostly I would wake up at like 10 am and do things and then eat lunch and then go visit dad in the afternoon so he wouldn't be lonely and bored as hell. Sometimes we talked about things, sometimes we just watched some tv together, other times we just browsed internet together with the slow hospital wifi. He was always super grateful by visits and when I checked for things and asked him if he wanted me to bring him stuff.

This post was actually going to be very positive at first - I've been wanting to write it for two days now - but today kind of ruined the good pattern, but I'll try to explore the mindset I had before.

When dad got discharged, I brought him over and we were doing fine, still taking care of him because he is to have bedrest on doctor's orders and he always half forgets/ignores to take the rest he needs (so I have to go "no, don't get up, I will get this for you"), and offering him things often (which is how I take care of people. "Do you want fruit? Do you want tea I am making myself some."). He's been calling me an angel and stuff, especially since I have been very tired from suddenly being in charge of the house and dad, and thus walking to the grocery store to buy more fruit, or cooking and washing all the things since usually this is a distinct team effort thing at home. And dad has been very understanding and calm and seems very keen on helping out even when frustrated with being bed ridden. We had a few short talks at the hospital that stopped before they got too tense where he affirmed he wants to help and is just afraid that I'm avoiding everything and... stuff he has said before, but in an approachable way, and kind and patient, not in his "I am losing my patience because you keep not doing the important thing" voice.

Additionally, I've been falling back into old habits of overeating for the past two months, often just snacks or things I can buy outside home so no one can see me and tell me off, but even then in other places. I even started eating pure sugar and it is gross but I feel better but also gross, and basically I'm getting a problem with my impulse control which is annoying because I was on top of it but now I'm not. I think that a lot of my good habits were set back since the incident with my mom that caused me to post this thread in the first place. My parents always get exasperated about me and food, but sometimes I am hungry and hungry and I can't stop thinking about it until I eat something and sometimes when I let myself eat something I go the full hog and suddenly I have eaten half the butter on two bread slices and wtf.

The outside snacks wasn't an issue with parents because I've been lying and keeping it down low, but after coming home from the hospital with like, four bags of cheap chips and chocolate thingies, and throwing away the wrappers in the trash... and then two days later dad is discharged and in the night the dogs got into the trash, which means everything was strewn around in the kitchen floor and dad saw the wrappers and got mad... but he was only starting up in his lecture mode when he shut down and controlled himself and said "no I'm not mad at you I am worried" while I was being meek and quiet and going "I'm sorry I was stressed I was hungry it was just so hard and I bought them and I ate them and I know I have to take care of myself but I was stressed" and he hugged me and his expression was effectively not anger, but concern and he patted me and told me he preferred for me to talk with him than choke all the stress in and then indulge in bad habits, and that even if he had been in the hospital he would have wanted me to talk about it, and that we had to work on my tendency to bottle things up and talk and that way we could all help each other mutually.

And it has been so nice because this thing of like, stopping himself from getting too intense or carried away when he gets angry is pretty new, like a year or so! I remember how he was when I was a kid, and he slowly gets better at managing his anger and his stuff, and so it is good to see him getting better at not letting things grow into these giants issues where they become generalized as fuck and it turns out into this huge failing on my part or mom's part because we always forget x thing or do y thing that is not cleaning or what not and just. Yes we should have done x thing but I have never understood why he gets so angry, beyond noticing that his overblown reactions are often related to his stress so that when he is fine he just sighs and makes some comment but smiles and we correct our mistake or do the thing we forgot, when he is overloaded with whatever he goes into the rants of how we NEVER do x thing and leave it all to him and are inconsiderate as fuck and just.

It's good to see him improve. And I've been very happy because that has been the dynamics lately, of like, we work things and I try to do enough and I was tired and went to sleep earlier or dropped off faster.

But today, I was hard to wake up again (I am always hard to wake up and dad has decided I have to wake up at 9am at the latest so I don't fuck up my circadian rythm and this way can rejoin healthy life and habits by having more sunlight and getting more done in the day) and I actually did lazyness. I grabbed my cellphone because I was sleepy and grumpy and didn't want to wake up and put an alarm for twenty minutes later and went back to sleep. Dad came by again when i hadn't gotten out and was like "why are yo ustill in bed up up" and I muffled and groaned and was like "I have an alarm for 9:20 let me be" and then I snoozed the alarm and basically it took a third visit but this was definitely more laziness than the usual stuff. But then I went and got stuff and moved and we talked via skype with mom who is on her trip and not here. And I made him breakfast because he isn't supposed to be moving about, and had my tea, and was getting ready and at some point later he checked in on me and it was "what, oyu aren't even showered" "no I've been having my tea" because I like being calm and doing things slowly if not in a hurry, and he was grumpy and said I can't take an hour and forever to do things the world doesn't give you that space and I need to learn routne and he was grumpy but not mad or even in his cycle burst what not so I went and showered and got ready. Then I went to bike to classes even though I really, really did not want to but told myself to not make excuses (I had three ready - I did have a bit of a loose stomach for a bit there and I could have dramatized it, and I couldn't find my key fast but I knew I could probably find it, but those would be good reasons) but I knew that it was me looking for reasons not to go. So I biked over, kind of slowly, because my legs hurt and it is cold and I don't want to straing myself, and it turns out classes start tomorrow not today, so after signing up and paying for the month (you have to re...matricular? resign up, each month) I came back and had lunch and told dad and we were amused. So I showered and got ready because

Oh forgot to tell you guys. My great aunt is dying, she's the only member of dad's family that he sees regularly and gets along with (he gets along with one of his brothers but only in long distance, my dad's family is weird and frankly kind of neurotic and all have anger issues, and my other uncle is in a fight with dad and other brother, for family reasons we don't go into because dad doesn't want us to inherit the conflict). She's a nun, she actually lives in this city and we see her roughly every month or every two months more accurately and visit her in the convent. She's 91 and everything is failing, cardiac problems, lung problems, pain, and her mind is sharp and the soul is willing but it's getting to be her time. So we got a call yesterday about her wanting to see dad so yeah.

So the plans were originally to wait for the dogs to get back (they get picked up once a month for a bath, we do the other bath in the month on our own, to make sure their health is fine and to get a flea check/anti flea thing every two or three months I don't remember) and then we'd both go see my great aunt, but the dogs weren't being brought back so dad asked me to call the vet. I said yep and forgot to do it, I got distracted by tumblr and kintsugi and just plain forgot! And he came downstairs and was like, ok it is now too late to go see the aunt, did you call the vet adn nope, and he got mad and he started up in his cycle and he was madder than I have seen in a while and I just shrunk into defensive mode and I knew I fucked up so I just said sorry and I forgot, and dad just.

Dad says that it can't be possible that I forget things within six steps of hearing them. That I spend so much time thinking of myself and feeling sorry for myself that I don't listen properly and attently and that is why I forget things. That because I dwell so mcuh I don't act and make it harder for myself to do things and that I also run away from problems and hide from conflict and that he was tired of me running from reality because I need to face it. And that I need to stop spending time hiding and isolating myself because he is tired of me not doing things and finding reasons for everything. And then he was like, that I need to snap out of it and face things and that I need to REACT not just stay there feeling sorry for myself and he'd stop and stare at me like waiting for a reaction because he wanted me ot react but I didn't know what he wanted I still don't and I was just sitting there clutching my mug and shrinking intom yself like I could feel myself all hunched up and tense and my shoulders together. I think he even said at some point that even me getting mad and shouting at him would be better. And I had bits of me inside saying things angrily but only small voices the rest of me the majority just wants to curl up and hide away and try and calm down and I don't know didn't know what to do. And then he kind of started walking forwards to say it was gonna be ok or something but I shrank more into my chair and I had started crying quietly, he wanted to reassure me, but suddenly I didn't want him to touch me or hug me, I wasn't even afraid of him I just did not want a hug or anything from him becuase I was upset and I wanted to hide but everything is wrong when I hide. And he stopped and said what, what is it, and he moved again to hug me but I dodged down and like got off my chair and moved away and was crying and I don't know why, I wasn't afraid I just wanted to hide I wanted to stop I wanted to not have anything I don't know, I wasn't even afraid of him so I don't understand teh reaction when it soothed me so much when he did it the previous time because he was controlling his anger to soothe me! But I didn't... I don't know!

And he stepped back and just said, very bitterly, that he doesn't know what he did to fail a dad to make his children hate him, and I said we don't hate him, and he said that we do and that he failed because I can't stand him and my brother is ashamed of him and condescending (He was fighting with my brother the other day via skype over arranging things and dad said something about conditinos and not having to do everything for my brother and my brother said that he had been trying t odo the thing himself but he needed something from dad first, I don't know, I purposefully have been staying out of it) and he left, and then came back to tell me that I was going to have to change and get a job because he wasn't apying for other things, that I would have a roof, and home and water and all the food I wanted but he wasn't going to pay for things like my little classes and things or maybe we'd talk that with mom but he was sick and tired of me running away from conflict and being in denial and not facing things and that he was sorry but he had to bring me to face the harsh truth so I can improve but that it was obvious that htis wasn't working so that from now on we'd be living peacefully as possible but that he'd stop trying to help me because it was obvious that I didn't want it or was in denial or something I don't know, my memory is shit everythign isjumbled up and I'm self editing I am sure I wish I could record thign so I could analyze them but I can't. So he left and I just stayed there crying quietly and holding my mug and still hunched for a long time as he left and then came and then left hte money for the dogs with me and said that I'd wait and he'd do something about my aunt, and I took that tom ean he was leaving so I sat there paralyzed waiting for him to leave and leave because then I could pick myself togehter but he never left home so after some nose blowing I started... I don't kow I moved to my room and closed things and lay down and started writing here, that was hours ago, but he came over and asked me what I was doing at my door and he told me to get out and not shut myself in my cave, that the worst thing I could do to myself was hide in my cave, but my room was theo nly place is the only palce that is mine and I can try and calm down, and he said that he dind't care where in the house but that I was forbidden from hiding in my cave and so I took my things to the living room while he was in his room, then I asked if he was going to see our aunt but he said noam I dumb it is too late at this hour this is prayer time nobody could receive us how can Ihave gone with him so many times and not noticecd when we have outright talked about this and I diod remember and that is why I was asking and because the last converstaion or almost last conversation or interaction had involved him saying something about great aunt but obviously Ih ad misremembered and I forget everything I always forget I get better but I am just forgetful and I get distracted and this has always been true!

And then he popped up later whne I was sitting in the living room trying to calm down and just be ok with internet distractions because yes, and not really talking to people because I can't people, he came over to the door and said that what am I going to do in sixteen years, what am I gonna do when he dies, I can't be like this forever, and at the rate of my improvements I was never gonna get out, and I didn't say anything and he was just going we are mortal your mom and dad are mortal and then he left and I am tired and that was the importatn stuff and I am upset so I'm gonna go do something else this is what I needed tow rite down anyways.

 

He is always goes on about how he had depression at one point and that he got through it and he's trying to show me I can get through things and I will be ok just d things and I just feel like it's rubbing in my face that I have been handed so much and been supported so much and my dad was in a really situation unlike me and thus why am I making a big deal of everything and that I am bad and lazy because I can't do it like him and it always upsets me when he talks about this because I want to scream I am not you but I don't

My previous shrink told me and I shared with mom that he thinks dad def has something like that going on or maybe not depression exactly but "mental fireworks" as he calls it but we never managed to get dad to admit to having a problem that needs professional addressing but it makes sense it is depression fix he is having difficulties in doing things too but he just doesn't see it because I dunno and mom is stressed about that and now dad also thinks my previous shrink was a quack er a not good professional? And I am beginning to wish I had a shrink again but that guy is expensive and I can't name how he helped me really just that we'd talk and I'd cry and he was nice and anyways were trying to save money and shrink shopping ugh and just

I feel very lost and all I want to do is curl up and hide forever.

 

Also brother said he thinks dad is abusive the other day in s call and that upsets me cuz I've read that Lundy book and concluded he's just toxic sometimes but a good dad otherwise and it upsets me and dad is so good and netter than so many other dads and just I am so tired right noe

 

I just got back from biking from my first day of the month's classes (tired and sweaty but I got it done), and dad walked in and apologized for his reaction last night and that he knows it doesn't help me, and that he is going to take his distance from me because he keeps acting as a brute and he thinks that he repulses (word? I'm translating from Spanish) me. I told him that he does not repulse me. He also said that he will stop trying to help me unless I ask for help, because he just doesn't know what to do and he can't take things as they are anymore, but that I have his support, and mom's. He elaborated that he also thought that am slowing down my improvement and progress by shutting myself away and getting immersed in a nonexistent world and is concerned about that. Then he left.

I wanna reach out to him or just hug him and not talk but I am too tired to reach out.

Mom comes back in two days.

I'm gonna finish cutting my nails.

 

I AM NOW SO UPSET.

It was just five minutes after I got back home from biking from classes when dad walks home from apparently walking the dogs (sidenote: I AM NOT HAPPY HE DID THAT HE SHOULD BE RESTING AND NOT WALKING MUCH he could just have reminded me to take the dogs out and I would have), and he asked our maid (yes we have a maid, we live in South America where it is considerably cheaper to have one. She's a very nice lady that has worked for us for seven years and we hire her on from time to time to do stuff and drive us around or help clean x things) in the kitchen if I was back yet. Since I overheard, I said "I'm here" at the same time as she said yes, and I got up to get more water to drink while he finished taking the leashes off the dogs and stuff.

He then stopped in front of me with his serious "I am angry and keeping it under rein" face and said "When people care about each other, they TELL the other that they are back safely, they care about the other person if they are worried". I didn't look at his face and just looked at the dogs as he started walking away, and I must have made a weird face because he started again "I see you don't give a shit, you're smiling. I know you don't give a shit!" and I just "What. No. I care a lot. I wasn't smiling I was grimacing!" And he turned around and just "I know that you don't care about me, but at least PRETEND to care about me, I know you are repulsed by and hate me" "I DON'T hate you! AGH". And then I walked off and he went upstairs and I am SO PISSED. I AM SO PISSED AND UPSET AND SAD AND ANGRY.