My friends, I love them, but I swear the last two times I've been to there place I have a major anxiety attack. I'm just sitting here silently freaking out for like two hours god I hate this. I just want to leave. I don't want to be here, I'm so upset. I wish this would go awayyyyyyy. I don't want it.
I have the hardest time remembering what my therapist tells me. I might have to start writing down everything that she tells me so my brain can't dump the info a day later. Let's see, she wants me to do a meditation thing when I start panicking. At this point I can calm myself down, but I can't stop feeling fragile and shitty for hours even if I'm not having spiraling thoughts. I'm supposed to... imagine myself walking up to a river in great detail, then put all of the thoughts that are making me panic into a leaf. I'm supposed to clearly acknowledge each thing, then set the leaf down on the river....aand sort of watch it float away. I'm supposed to learn how to acknowledge difficult/intense emotions without letting them drive me around like a scooter. There's distance that I need to put between me and them... I can't really conceptualize it very well. Also, I'm trying to weather a family conflict, but my perceptions are so off and so shaped by being raised by my parents that I can't trust my instincts. My emotions are dead certain that a family member is going to turn on me if I upset him... but I don't think that's logically true? But goddamnit this primitive part of my brain is like. Welp, there's a conflict and he must be the enemy because of the way mom is reacting to the situation. Here's another thought that makes no sense, if I could just get my mom to react differently then I wouldn't have to be so anxious about this conflict. Unrelated..kinda: I think that's a problem I have with online communication, I get paranoid that people are going to turn on me or that I'm not getting the right reaction because I've got no verbal or visual cues to go by.
Trying not to get sucked into a conflict between my mom and my uncle over grama's estate, they are both pissed off at each other and feel completely justified. Ufgjdhidjsbfbdbfb
So dead silence from one relative for two days, it feels like a year. I message him again because it need to go over to get stuff, will see how that turns out. I didn't handle things well, I got upset and made demands and let him see how upset I was. Didn't help that this was all over text messages, which are like a black hole of meaning. My instinct is to throw up my hands and say nothing will help and he hates me forever for going off on text. I know that these feelings are incorrect...but I feel so certain about it. Old patterns old habits. Same circle over and over again.
Day 4 of my favorite relative not speaking to me. Between this and a looming deadline I'm trying to bat away the urge to die. SIGH. Could i just be in a coma for the next two weeks and let all of them sort everything out? A petty part of me wants to post this on Facebook. "Things are going bad with grama's estate, everyone is fighting and or disappointed with me and I want to die :))))). I will not do this because that would be mean.
Day idk, 20? I talked to my therapist and she suggested that I not go along with my mom's scheme anymore. Will do that but I need to talk to him. I'm sitting in a chair outside hoping he'll come out. Already knocked and rung the doorbell. Is this to stalkery? I'm gonna tell my mom that she's not getting any of the furniture because I don't want to do this anymore. I'm hurt and distressed, I'm not sure how many more days of being ostracized I can take. This is the thing I hate the most, being deliberately ignored.
Uncle finally texted me, he said he wasn't talking because he was completely done with everything. Does he mean me? The family? Mom? After the sale are we ever going to see him again? I don't want to lose him.. I've just got this sinking certainty that he's going to go away forever. I can't take that, I don't have many family members that I'm close to, I don't want to lose him.
Notes to self I've got to remember my therapist told me because I'm sure as he'll not going to manage this without her advice. I've got to validate him. My list is to keep the conversation off me, not accuse him of anything. I need to let him know how much I appreciate what he's doing and offer to help, because I sincerely want to help Things to..probably? Not go into. Explain what happened unless he asks, he is done so it's in the past? I've covered that in texts sort of. I don't know, will bringing it up just make him more upset? Start talking about how I feel. To easy to make it suddenly about me. But then again maybe I should? He's not going to want to hear it. And to this whole thing is about salvaging my relationship with him. Talking about mom.. he just doesn't want to hear it? I'm afraid that if I mess up or say something he doesn't like, I'll alienate him. Do I really need to worry about that kind of finality? My instincts are not right, I know that some of them are messed up and tell me the wrong things... Try to stick to caring about him, mention how things went wrong and huge mistakes without gory details. Answer question if he asks prepared for stony silence at first, or maybe the whole time. Try to be honest with emotions but also kind. Don't lose heart, don't fall into normal pitfalls of accusing or over explaining or making it about you. Keep in mind that the goal is to salvage your relationship with him. Apologize only if it seems wanted? Try to foster and understanding but accept that I might not get that far. Don't just start crying out of no where. It's not his job to comfort you right now, this is not about you. Please, on all that is sacred, please let this work. If this fails utterly don't give up, you can try again, it will be harder. Please try to accept that he's not just going to write you off, he's not like mom. He will give you another chance with time, but you've got to persist. Don't give up. In most cases, giving up on something or someone you love inches you closer to an early death. You've got to hold onto these people. I feel like I'm not strong enough for any of this. All you can do is try, the important thing is to try. Just keep trying, even if everything hurts and life feels like an enormous weight. You can try.
Welp, it's going a zillion times better then I thought it would but we haven't talked about anything important yet.
I had a pretty intense freak out over an irl friend this weekend. I'm just kind of sad and drained now, I'm not sure what to think about all of it. Very reminisent of the spirals I got earlier this summer. I want things to be different this time, like I'm more aware of how I behave, but it ended up being exactly the same. Somehow I'm back to needing her so much, and feeling like she doesn't need me at all, or that I'm a burden. I don't want to be back here again. Putting so much on one person...it's not fair to anyone. It..it wouldn't be like this if I didn't feel so desperate and fragile. Needy and clingy, unable to articulate what I want. The visit didn't go very well, the set up wasn't right, I wasn't careful enough because things went so well the week before. I so wanted that togetherness we had when we are working on our stories, it's the best feeling. This time she was more distant, and it left me with a soup of just raw emotions. I mean, subjectively it wasn't that big of a deal, we didn't even have a bad time, I guess I didn't get what I needed? I guess I needed closeness and validation so bad that it wrecked me not to get it from her. I messaged her when I got home, I was determined not to let things ferment. Lack of communication is kind of what killed our friendship the first time. We ended up talking about boundaries, she had a list of things I'm not supposed to do. It was all reasonable, but..it felt so cold. Like I'm something that has to be kept away. I can't see what's really going on with our relationship because my brain starts screaming at me whenever we have these conversations. Like "she hates you, she's disgusted, your behavior is disturbing, she doesn't want anything to do with you at any deeper level then aquaintance." just over and over again, to the point where I can't trust my own judgement. I feel like a monster instead of a reasonable human being. Everything just hurts more then it has any right to. Every scenario, every retread of the visit gets more catastrophic. It's all "'X' means she doesn't care about me', 'Y' means that I went too far forever'". If I keep going down this road I'm really going to turn into my mother. I'm gonna...try to talk to my therapist about this, emphasis on 'try'. My..usual go to solution is to withdraw from the relationship for awhile. She doesn't talk to me much online anyway, usually I have to contact her first. I don't want to though.
I sent her a big long message because of course I did...and immediately I'm expecting to be ignored until I try to talk to her about something else. So I'm feeling shitty based on assumptions, which isn't fair? I'm just..in this mood where I'm expecting the worst. I just feel incredibly alone, my therapist says I need to find a support system...ir use the one I've got and talk to people.
A strat that works for me when my brain is doing that is to go back and take screenshots of positive interactions i've had with the person and my friends, and save them in a folder, and look at them when the intrusive thoughts are hollering
So drained and sad and sad and drained. Can't even untangle anything. If I'm important, why can't my irl best friend act like I am in public. I just get pushed to the side and treated like I'm nothing special. How could I make those kinds of demands...or even ask. How do I ask to be treated differently or treated like I am important. Why does the asking feel the same as forcing or imposing. Does this road lead to finding out that I'm not important? I don't know, I don't know.
-hugs- Well, I told her we need to talk about stuff, she says yeah but not right now, because it's never right now. That's ok, I'll try to have that discussion in person. Hopefully we can make some headway before the wedding. I do not wan t to be like this during the wedding :(.
Still haven't talked about stuff so I guess it's happening during the wedding because my brain has latched onto our problems like a rabid dog and won't let go. Trying not to be resentful even though she won't talk to me. Idk, she's got her own problems. We just... idk, I'm working out what my problems are and what I want to say which is making me more upset and I don't want this to be sad yelling time, I want to change things positively but I'm afraid I'm gonna get mad and say mean things. Gotta remember...this isn't just her fault, it's how things have been with us, both of us. And of course brain digs this up when I have a million other tangible things to do. I'm important to her, I know I am. She just can't express that any better then I could. She's got this long time thing about needing help from anyone. It's baked in. How could she admit that someone is important to her because by doing that she'd have to admit that she needed them. We are so fucked up, so fucked up. I know I know this is less huge and awful then I think it is right now. I make such a big deal out of tho vs and they usually turn out ok. Gotta remember that I can't control people, I'm not responsible for their emotions. She's not responsible for mine. I can ask for things without burdening the askee with doing exactly what I want. It's ok to ask and be denied, it's ok. I wish she would talk to me a little about this so my brain can stop running in hamster circles, so I've got something to go off of besides my wild assumptions. Plz don't reply to this one with words, I just wanted to vomit this up somewhere so i..idk, can get it out of my head and also remember later.
