I'm here now, I just...this is going to be awful, so awful. She's gonna ignore me for the whole weekend I just know it. I want to go home, why did I think this was a good idea why? Gotta pull 900 dollars out of my ass for the stay because she's only gonna be here one night. I'm so tense, I'm giving myself heartburn. What was I even thinking. Im..so worried that I'm gonna be a disaster this whole weekend. One of the most important weekend of my other friends life because she's the goddamned bride.
Why can't things be ok for once, why does everything have to hurt I don't even know if I should tell her how not ok I am right now, I'm afraid to
Mroww -flops- So...my friend and I just talked about characters again, it was nice..but not enough. I texted her saying I was having a bad time this weekend and asked if I could get some support. I don't know if this is true, but it feels like it's the first time I've asked her for that directly. I feel like it's a step? In a direction? That I want us to go in. 10 dollars says that she ignores the text or replies with something short or noncommittal. But at least I made..a move? Weird, but even if it turns out shitty, I was able to do the thing, which is....idk, better then usual?
I worked it out sorta with my friend, a little? We still haven't talked in person. I had this paranoia attack Thursday night, but I'm doing better now. The only problem is that now I'm trying to be social with the wedding party, but I don't like the game we are playing and we are in a noisy bar. I just want to leave, but I literally haven't seen them all day even though we are all in the same hotel. Ugh.
Day ended with a really fun time in a a small pool that was also a big hot tub, and we were in there for like two hours, it was rly nice.
I'm halfway through my 2 1/2 week stay with my sister's family and I've hit a Done day. I had a shitty dream, woke up really sad. Tried to shake off the sad but it keeps coming back. almost banished it by writing for awhile, but I had to stop and go shopping. The shopping trip was agonizing because I didn't want to be there. Usually that fades away but the feeling stuck with me the whole time and it was just weighty Sad and anxiety ruining a nice outing for me. I'm wondering if I'm going to be worth anything tomorrow (as in ready to do stuff). I keep a scurrying back to my room for sad crying times. I just feel really lonely and isolated, like it's never going to get better and I'll be stuck like this forever and all these other things that frequently scratch at my brain. I feel so fragile.
I'm at an event called wordstock, trying to have fun but it's not happening. I wanted to meet some new people but I can't bring myself to talk to anyone. Also, I think my therapist might be right... about outgrowing my best friend. I think we never talked about real life because she's so touchy and defensive? Without rp there isn't like, anything there. Either that or I'm just incapable of having fun. Ugh.
Spoiler: incoherent sadding Yesterday I was fine but today I completely tanked mood wise. I got in like, crisis mode again. Where everything's crashing together and I'm just stressed and spiraling the whole day with absolutely no relief. It feels like I'm dragging around a stone block, every single thing was an immense struggle. Trying to work things out with my best friend. Our relationship got toxic before we broke things off years ago, things are better but we still have these huge problems and it so hard to talk about them. I knew the conversation was coming but I had to wait hours and hours for her to arrive. By then I was strung out and exhausted from day long emotional turmoil. It was a good talk, we worked things out a little but it didn't feel good or comforting or anything. Its like we cant be close again until i get better about boundaries.... We are going to treat each other better.... but I'm pretty sure that we are never going to be as close as we once were again. Which is..killing me right now, I just can't stop being upset. I can't, I've tried everything. It's 3am and I've been awake and just aggressively thinking about how bad I feel and the conversation for 4 fucking hours. It's like, it's like none of this is real, my feels are too big and too chaotic to be real, like I'm a fictional character or I'm making everything up. It's all just whirling around in my brain and my body aches. I'm so tired of this. I feel like if we could have rped then I could have settled down and felt more stable by the time she left my house, but she didn't want to. I can't even distract myself with our imaginary people and their relationships. It's just me, in my room, completely alone, with nothing to protect me from my own brain trying vaguely to kill me again. I know I'll be better in the morning, at least I'll feel numb? Idk from one day to the next. It's been getting bad lately... I don't even know. I'm despairy, everything hurts and I want off this ride please. There's already like 10 pages in my diary devouted to this roller coaster of a day. I'm so so tired, I don't want to cry anymore.
I just skimmed back over this whole thread. It's like I have a major freak out episode every two weeks except July and August for some reason. I need to stop obsessing over my relationship with Monica, apparently it's been going on for months and months. I'm starting to feel like it's more about me then about us. What am I supposed to do to get outside of this comfortable world I built for myself on an edifice of assumptions, self loathing, avoidance and paranoia? How the hell do I step out into the sun? Or have healthy, close relationships with people while also trusting them with my emotions? Im...trying to figure all that out. I don't want to be down here in the dark for much longer, I'm tired of it. It's really hard to change after behaving a certain way for 20 years. There's little lessons and experiences in all of these posts that I keep having to learn over and over again. Like that things don't usually go as badly as I think they will. Also, boundaries? What is. I..still don't have a handle on the emotions that go along / fuel some of these chronic problems. I just...have to keep trying, have to keep going forward, have to keep challenging my perceptions every time they drift into their familiar lanes. I just wish I could trust anyone in my physical life to help me. I don't even know what happened to August. I think I spent most of it trying and failing to clean up the basement for all this furniture that mom wanted. August fell into a black hole.
Spoiler: a note to future me Ok, fuck, I got back from my session. I'm...trying to make sense of it. All of this turmoil. I forgot that I have a BPD-esque relationship with Monica that has almost been going on for 20 year. I forgot about this... How did I forget? I didn't want to remember. It's too big and too strange. I worked through all this months ago but somehow I forgot. It wasn't classic Favorite Personism, I had mellowed over the years and I don't have the disorder, only tendencies (I'm almost certain that I had it when I was in my teens and early 20s). The important thing is that I can forgot about it, so I need to lay it all out here so I have a way to remember if I forget in the future. We had a toxic relationship. I..idk, couldn't respect her boundaries. I have gotten better about this but it's easy to slide back into old habits of trying to control her. When our relationship is good, it's REALLY good. We are completely in sync, but this is another Borderline thing, it can be a very fragile state. In our relationship's original state, I got all my emotional needs me through our relationship. I use our relationship to cope and to validate myself because I can't do it on my own (I..don't entirely understand how this works right now.). I think for the last couple of months, I wanted us to go back to being that. It's a very comfortable place for me, I thought I could because I'm more self aware now. Monday we had a talk and I realized that it's can't be like that anymore. I can't go back there, even though I want to (?). She certainly doesn't want to go back there. If I wanted to go back to that happy place of codependency, I would have to... I don't know, it's so hard to think right now. I would have to go back to being the same as I was nine months ago. I don't think it would work anyway because after our big breakup she found other sources of emotional support. I would have to re-embrace my self loathing, a sense that everything would dissolve if I did the wrong thing. Trying to get past moments of conflict as quickly as possible, never examining them. Knowing full well that I needed her more then she needed me. She had to give into me all the time because I wouldn't take no. i'd get disproportionatly upset if things didn't go right, I still do that, I try not to but I get carried away. I don't want to go back to feelings so inferior and so desperate with her. I think trying to just led to all this emotional turmoil of me trying to fit the pieces back together even though they'd changed their shape. I think I got around a lot of the BPD drama with roleplaying. To the point where our entire relationship was based on the worlds and characters we created together. I could feel loved and cared for by roleplaying characters that were in love. Whatever emotion I needed to express of feel or whatever, we could do that without involving real life. So.relationship drama focused completely on time management. When we were going to meet, what time, punctuality, choices about what we would do. That's still a major point of contention. After about two years apart, we had a talk at gamestorm, and suddenly I felt like we were close again, like the old days. It was such an intense relief to have that again, but the same problems started showing up. I still get upset when things don't go right, I still have massive problems with Paranoia, she has a very difficult time telling me 'no', which leads to more paranoia. The more I depend on her, the worse I feel. I wanted a relationship that was more about Us in the real world, something more supportive. But what we have is idk, a relationship with intense moments of euphoria and closeness fraught with drama when the feelings of closeness end. It's not good, not healthy. But that's the thing I want, that feeling is like my heroin, I get desperate for it. It's not good enough anymore. I'd have to twist myself into a different shape to go back there. For awhile I wanted her to be my most special person again, except different then before. I REALLY wanted that. I know I can't have that. Talking about our relationship, having to examine all of the shittiness.. It was a perfect illusion that we both struggled to hold up. It's done now. Going forward though..I don't know what to do. I don't know what comes next in our friendship. What happens when I stop trying to resurrect the past. How do I stop trying to use her to comfort myself? I still seek out that kind of relationship. I..don't know how to thrive without it. I literally have no idea. Do I just.. need to stop trying to get her to be my special person, is that all I need to do. Just..follow what we talked about. Respect her boundaries, don't be shitty or manipulative, let her know if my boundaries are being crossed. Could I really just let her fade to close friend status in my mind? I think I can do that, it seems possible now. Remember, Em. If you get like this again, if you decide that you are perfect together and that she is the best and that you couldn't live without her presence, it's not lasting. It's this thing you do from time to time. Those intense feelings of love and need with the undercurrent of massive insecurities will get you into trouble fast. There is no magical person that will come and save you from yourself.
Gotta call about health insurence, I gotta, the clock is ticking, I gotta do it. time is running out to sort this out. I've been putting it off for a solid month, I don't know why this kind of thing is so hard for me. I sitting here surrounded by all the info I need but I'm tied up in knots. I know I'll feel so much better when this is all resolved, but I just don't wanna. uragh
True loneliness is trying to convince your mother, who has an undiagnosed personality disorder, that she did something wrong and hurt people with her actions. All I get for my efforts is her rock hard certainty that she did everything correct and everyone else overreacted and/or was out to get her.
talking to my IRL friend online, it's hard, its hard, I never do it. It's like, I have to do all the heavy lifting in the conversation, and she's always distracted. It's just pointless and nothing. I have to drive the conversation forward, I have to ask all the questions, sometimes it's easy but most of the time it's like pushing a brick uphill. -sigh- I'm so tired. I should be asleep.
Being an extrovert with social anxiety is garbage and I hate it. I need to interact with people/be around other people or I get depressed and lethargic, but then I have somehow overcome whatever paranoia and tensi0n that comes with me in a social situation before I can have a good time. If I can't let go of all the anxiety then I just finish off the day by being and exhausted ball of tension. Then I can be having a good time and the anxiety will suddenly come back, and it feels like the world gets hostile and alien, I've got to shove that back down before it puts down roots and starts dominating my perception. I can literally talk to someone for days if we mesh well, without a problem. It took three days for my brother in law and me to run out of things to say on our big road trip back to his home in texas. Once we got to he and my sister's place, I had to take regular breaks from my sister and her kids, I would shut myself up in my room for 30 minutes to an hour to release the tension. Just..argh, trying to make plans is a bitch, I have to overcome a bunch of brain detritus just to look at new text messages. I thought I was getting better about it.... But no, I still regularly hide from my phone. I made plans to see the girls (I'm like their surrogate aunt) because last night I was devastated that I had no plans for the weekend, nothing to look forward to. Now that I've made plans, I worrying about what I'm going to do with them for the day. Like ???? Worrying about a million things at once, with noting coherent enough to latch onto.
I'm visiting friends, but I just feel tense and disconnected from everyone. When am I going to be myself again? It's so exhausting to be like this, like I'm waiting for an attack that never comes.
