Discussion in 'The Undercity' started by hoarmurath, May 21, 2015.
Oh, and I think we have an ignore feature, although I don't recall where it is.
We could even toss it in the top serket thread
And yeah, the idea of a safe environment? Freaks me out. How do we decide what's safe? Is it case by case? General rules work well, but not for everyone, making it unsafe for them.
I like kintsugi because it doesn't feel like we're faking being concerned for one another because of some arbitrary set of rules. (This is probably weird wording. Consider: This forum helps me because sometimes I can analyze reactions and figure out how to communicate honestly. I also don't feel like anyone's manipulating me here, which is fabulous. I've never had a meltdown here, but I think the capability's there if I hit a certain point. That point is different for everyone.)
And, yeah, when people are angry, they want to hurt people. I've got some pretty spectacular vent poems up on tumblr, and a lot of them are about my fear of what will happen if I get angry enough. I don't think that's all that abnormal, but if it is, then we can be weird together.
@seebs Yeah, I don't think a vent thread would handle this particular issue; seems like a decent idea for other reasons though.
@boyacrossthestreet This, you're putting it better than I am.
Oh, is there a way to put a message by the post reply button to the extent of "are you pissed rn?" or something?
...The fault here is that either it will come off as obnoxiously kindergarten-teacher style, or it will possibly dissuade people from writing stuff that they need to write.
@seebs In the popup you get when you click on someone icon or username, unless you´re following that person. Then I suppose you´d have to unfollow them first.
Also if we wanted to make this forum the tumblr definition of safe, then no one would be allowed to mention otherkin, ever, because I find the general opinions on otherkin here pretty upsetting.
Yeah, I think it´s clear why this won´t work.
Besides the fact that the entire point is to make this Not Tumblr, yeah.
Helpful brain is helpful: "I should point out that the negative stuff about otherkin just means, you know, those ASSHOLES, not the good ones."
Yeah, that's very helpful brain, thank you for that deep insight into the human condition.
Let me clarify. Intent matters to me in that you blew up at me in one discussion, and then apologized. You did not strategically use your anger/meltdown to make me feel awful/do what you want. In other words, one is a thing of the moment, the other is a long term plan. Not sure if I´m expressing myself well.
Also, I actually understand that urge to "Hurt it/make it dead." I´ve had meltdowns like that, and the fallout sucks huge balls.
There was this lovely quote from a book about abusive people, in which someone was talking about how her boyfriend can't help it, he doesn't have any control. The therapist asked "so when he has these rages, does he ever break his own things?" And of course, he didn't. Which shows that it's not nearly so uncontrolled as it looks.
We've all seen people who use fake "uncontrolled rage" which just sort of coincidentally results in attacking only the people they always want to attack. And who then "apologize" in terms like "I am so sad that you made me do that" and "you have to promise not to get mad so I can get better". And then there's some people who, when they freak out, attack anyone-and-everything without any real regard to it, and whose apologies don't frame it in terms of what other people did, or try to extract promises from those people.
That's the "intent" distinction.
I must say that it's quite unnerving to come onto a thread, read things about the topic, and then have there be a huge freakout in the middle with namecalling because someone things other people are horrible for having different opinions.
I don't like it.
I've read why did he do that?
There was another part where the author talked about how she would ask abusive husbands why, if they had supposedly lost control, did they only go so far? Why did he just shove her against a wall but not punch her, why did he not shoot her with the gun he kept? And they would a answer like "but that would kill her" or "but that would leave marks" or "but the neighbors would hear," which shows they weren't really out of control while hurting their wives, they had their limits and they only gave their wives what they believed their wives deserved.
And I think about that, and I think about how when I blow up at people I don't use slurs or misgender them or bring up specific things from their pasts...
Which is why I'm leaving.
I would agree that it's unnerving, and I don't like it. But I like even less the idea that people with personality disorders can't be here until they're already better, because part of the goal is to provide a place which can help them get better.
Control is a very complicated thing, and is not really a straightforward yes/no question. You can have enough control to redirect things without having enough control to stop them entirely.
@BPD anon Why not take Seebs moderation suggestion?
I have issues with temper as well, and I've found having a moderator has helped a great deal in reducing the number of outbursts that get seen. In my case the moderator is my family but a forum moderator would work equally well.
When you're doing good you're a good person to have in the community, so would rather moderate out the bad times than have you just poof.
Mom made fun of me for having "moderation" in school. Like, "Oh, look at BPD anon. Everybody has to walk on eggshells around you. Teachers have to take time out of their days to make sure you don't act out. None of the other moms have to deal with this." (First three sentences said in mocking tone)
So maybe it's just better to leave.
@BPD anon I think it's been well-established that your mom's a jerk. Moderation seems like a pretty reasonable accommodation for disability in this case, and if Seebs feels 'taking time to moderate posts' is worth the benefit your presence and posts bring, that's their choice. Seems like you contribute pretty well here.
I don't like having you upset folks, but moderation would take care of that. The big meltdowns are really the only 'not okay, hurting people' behavior I've seen, and they're pretty obvious.
For what it's worth, the meltdowns don't actually bother me; they don't ping any triggers for me, though I know that's not true of everyone.
No one is stopping you except yourself.
I think moderating out the nasty stuff would be a good compromise :)
You generally seem like a nice person, BPD-anon.
@rigorist Not helping.
I´m assuming BPD Anon doesn´t want to leave but feels they have to. They´re not asking permission to leave so, what´s this supposed to acheive?
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