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mood diaries

Discussion in 'Braaaaiiiinnnns...' started by anonno, Mar 21, 2018.

  1. anonno

    anonno New Member

    sometimes i get these days where i feel really crazy all day, sometimes a few days in a row
    focus is especially bad
    anxiety is unusually high for no real reason, but in a deadened kind of way
    i usually feel drawn to quarantine myself away from everyone until i feel better
    it seems to happen especially when i don't interact with anyone in meatspace for a few days but it also used to happen pretty frequently when i was living with someone who i was not getting along with

    it kind of feels like nothing is real, or like i'm not real, or maybe that i'm real but i'm not really inside myself. which i think is dissociation
    trying to describe it feels like trying to lasso a cloud, this may be incoherent
    i feel like i'm trapped in my head and thinking way too much about everything and i can't ground myself in the world outside of my head like i usually can
    i feel very floaty and dizzy and disconnected

    it fades after a few days so i'm not very worried about it, but it's annoying and unpleasant

    could all of this just be dissociation combined with anxiety or is there another illness/set of symptoms that fits this well?
    • Witnessed x 2
  2. anonno

    anonno New Member

    i think its just dissociation actually

    sure would like to figure out the trigger(s)

    im molasses today im surprised i got even one single thing done
    what would normally take 1.5 hours took me 5.5 hours to complete. i had to reread my work no less than 15 times because i just dont trust myself right now to not fuck it up.
    i should have had time to do more. but i dont. its late as fuck
    i wanted to get a beer or two also but it's nighttime and i'm too scared of being murdered on my way to the grocery store
    • Witnessed x 2
  3. Salted Earth


    That does sound like dissociation, particularly feeling not real, floaty, disconnected, and having difficulty describing it. (Dissociation is difficult to describe, because it is literally about zoning out and not being connected to your thoughts and feelings.)

    The thing to keep in mind, with dissociation and its association (heh) with other mental illness, is that it's a symptom as well as a diagnosis in its own right - PTSD and panic attacks both feature dissociation sometimes, for instance. So it may be more helpful to look at coping strategies instead of trying to figure out what specific illness is causing the dissociation, especially if you're dealing with multiple diagnoses. You can figure out why once you're out of the molasses!

    Grounding is an important coping strategy for dissociation. One thing you can do is to try and name five things you can see (like your keyboard, or your monitor), four things you can feel (like your chair, or any jewellery), three things you can hear (like the sound of music or typing), two things you can smell (or two of your favourite smells if you can't smell anything), and one thing you can taste (or your favourite taste if you can't taste anything).

    Another thing you can do, if you're able to make sure the beverage isn't too hot (add some cool water to hot drinks!), is make yourself a cup of tea - though any beverage will do, really - and try to focus on it while you're drinking it. Is the cup warm or cool? What does it smell like? Does it make you feel warmer (or colder) when you drink it? This can help you to reconnect with your bodily sensations in a way which generally isn't too confronting. This is my personal favourite strategy.

    Splashing your face with water can help. Some people recommend ice cubes, but I wouldn't suggest them for dissociation because of the risk of zoning out and not realising your hands are being ice-burned. (There's probably a term for that. Oh well.)

    Getting up and moving to another room can help with feeling stuck or paralysed, by physically changing your surroundings. Notice the things in the room and list them out loud to yourself. Is there a window? Are there curtains on the window? Is there a table? What's on the table? Is there anything to sit on? What does it feel like when you sit on that thing? How does the room look now you're sitting, instead of standing? This is a good one to combine with other strategies, i.e. by getting up and going to the kitchen to splash water on your face or get a cup of tea.

    Also, in general, deep breathing can help with anxiety, which may help since it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of that alongside the dissociation. There are a few different deep breathing exercises here.

    There are probably more body-awareness orientated mindfulness strategies, too, but because those strategies are triggery for me I don't know many of those.
    • Like x 1
  4. anonno

    anonno New Member

    thank you so much, that seems like excellent advice and I'm going to try these strategies. when it gets bad a lot of times I'm just sitting there staring at the computer for hours and it probably makes it worse so I think the surroundings practices will really help. also the breathing exercises.
    thank you I'm looking forward to putting these to work
    • Like x 1
  5. anonno

    anonno New Member

    edited because false alarm
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2018
  6. anonno

    anonno New Member

    im also running a fever and had to walk a mile in four inches of snow
    maybe... im just tired
    i could pathologize the hiccups s2g
  7. anonno

    anonno New Member

    dissociating very hard
    gave myself a foot massage for about 10 minutes straight. was interesting. felt my body exist and felt pleasurable sensations from it, but I am separate from it. felt lots of sensations of skin and was fascinated by the degree of sensory information but still not feeling present in my body or in the world.
    I am a body and the body feels things. input and output. but it is not me. I am not in the world like I should be. I am in my brain and I exist in the world but I also do not. I exist inside of my head but also outside of my head and body.
    I hear the white noise of the exhaust fan that I leave running and the drip of rain on my window and my cat snoring softly and there's that weird, soft, high-pitched tingling humming around my ears, the sound of it being too quiet when I'm not distracted enough with something distracting.
    going to try some coping strategies now
  8. anonno

    anonno New Member

    this can just be mood diaries. i will change the title
    i wanted to drink and decided not to me@me write a fucking poem about it
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2018
  9. anonno

    anonno New Member

    i'm just so fucking tired and i can't shake the feeling that i've peaked. i'm tired of day after day of pushing through. i don't know what i'm pushing for and i know that without clarity of purpose i'll never achieve anything

    i'll try a depression pill soon. even though some of the hundreds of thousands of conflicting studies said pills are not as good as life changes. but i'm too tired for life changes, see. and depression pills work for some people
  10. anonno

    anonno New Member

    i feel like hot garbage i got another writeup at work and im worried that if i get more i'll just get fired
    i think i know why but i dont know for sure and that's killing me. my proofreading method lately has been really stupid (proofreading everything all at once for three hours straight with no breaks until my eyes cross because apparently breaks are the devil) so it's probably that but what if it's not and im doomed because i am truly struggling to find gainful employment and if i lose this job im in deep shit
    feeling very disabled lately i dont know how to function in society and shit like the executive order just happen here and i can't leave

    it's such a monumental effort to keep up with this, like, 40 hours of work from home every week
    it's so much i can't think my brain is molasses and theres cotton all around me and i just cannot fucking focus on the things i need to focus on

    and to think that every day for the rest of my life is just Don't Fuck Up and fighting against the stream of fuckups. what a nightmare
    how can i be expected to produce quality shit every single day? failure seems inevitable
    • Witnessed x 2
  11. anonno

    anonno New Member

    i continually try to not care about this but i spent 7 hours with my dad last week and he didn't ask one question about me or my life, and he changed the subject if i brought it up
    and im telling myself that buying me things is just how he shows love right? because he's been doing that more, significantly
    except he refuses to give me money. i was too sick for groceries at one point. no "here's $50 so you can go later, i know you're out of food" no just a raincheck and an encouragement for me to push through to get some essentials now because he wouldn't be back for two weeks and so i know its not just about helping me, it's about helping me and making me ask for it and being able to judge and control what i get and that other people see he's paying and it sucks and i wish i made more and didn't have to depend on that
    • Witnessed x 1