So uhhh lemme just say that alot has happened since my last post here. Long story short, I left my family home in October 2017 to live with my friend (let's call her N) in a different city. It was simultaneously the most beautiful (living without toxic family members! WITH MY BEST FRIEND!!! IT WAS AWESOME!!!) and the most terrifying (we both have ADHD and I have mental problems that effectively prevent me from getting or keeping a job, so my income was either shit, or nonexistent) year of my life. I do not regret anything. The entire time my mom bombarded me with guilt trips and emotional manipulation to convince me to come home. As long as N was there, I could rely on her to calm me down and hug me and tell me I'm safe now. But this September she had to go back to Warsaw and I've decided I'm gonna stay here because I want to try living ~independently~, because at the time I had an awful, but kinda stable job. And then I had to quit my job, because I couldn't handle the pressure of it AND N leaving at the same time. It broke my brain AND my heart in one big combo strike. (On the lighter side, me and N are girlfriends now. Turned out we both had a crush on each other ever since we first met. The thought of us living together someday is what pushes me out of bed in the morning) So now I live in a tiny, lonely, blue room. And Christmas is around the corner, and seeing shitty, kitschy Chrismas decorations or hearing people excitedly talk about how they're going to spend them with their family makes me want to bawl my eyes out. Because I want that too! I want the atmosphere, the warmth, the smell of kompot, the baubles older than I am, the food making, the everything! But my mom's been cornering me about coming back so aggressively I'm scared it would turn out to be a nightmare and I'm gonna get trapped again! I'm going to spend this Chrismas with N and I'm very happy I get to see her, she's the best and I love her so much, but Family Time Christmas seems like Ultimate Happy at the moment. It just feels so familiar and comfortable even if I know it's unhealthy. I can't handle it. Especially because the circumstances of my situation will eventually force me to return home anyway, because I'm utterly incapable of providing for myself alone. It fucking sucks.
