My current mess

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by asterismThreefold, Mar 2, 2015.

  1. asterismThreefold

    asterismThreefold edgewitch

    Uff. I don't know what advice I need, but an outside perspective might help.

    Okay, so. I grew up in Utah. Last winter, my dad got a job in Iowa. I wasn't thrilled with the idea of relocating, and at 23 it was high time to get out on my own anyway, so last spring I got my first full time job and an apartment of my own so I could stay in the same city I grew up in. Last summer, my mom and younger sister joined my dad in Iowa. Last fall, owing to a variety of factors, but probably mostly my failure to get my antidepressants refilled, I had a nasty downswing during which I could barely get myself out of the apartment to buy groceries, never mind go to work or make phone calls. I lost my job. I lost my apartment. I moved in with a great-uncle and -aunt who lived nearby. This was unpleasant for all involved and lasted a month. Last December, I moved in with my parents in their new place.

    Mom is starting to lose patience with my lack of progress on the job hunting front. I did try. Sort of. But. Not as much as I could/should. There's no ultimatums, no hostile language. Just, every day or two she asks what I have done or what I could be doing to get a job. I know mom's just worried because I can only be on her insurance for one more year. But. Yesterday for family night (a weekly tradition of ours, I think it's a Mormon thing) she gave a lesson on self-discipline. It was couched in terms of "something we can all work on". But. It was pointed. I've been trying to be present (though not really participating) for family things even when I'm uncomfortable with the religious content, but I barely kept myself from storming out(/running away).

    Last session my therapist gave me some " so your loved one has depression " fact sheets to give to my parents. I haven't. It feels like making excuses. Like, I think I'm starting to notice some effect from being back on my meds for sixish weeks, as if I might potentially have the energy to engage with the world on some level now, so therefore I can't blame it on the depression that I'm still putting off jumping back in.

    Bluh. Lost my train of thought.
    I guess I'm upset about this and not sure whether I should try pushing myself more or if taking on too much will just burn me out. And, I guess, additionally, whether job hunting qualifies as too much.

    (I was hearing anon on tumblr)
  2. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    First off, hello fellow raised/lives-with-Mormons friend! My sympathies :c

    As for depression stuff, do not take on more than you can handle. It will only put you back into not-doing-things land. I do not know your parents, but if they are familiar/accepting of any mental disorders, I would atleast attempt to inform them that you have depression. Not being able to do sucks, and having to fight family members about it makes it suck more.
  3. rigorist

    rigorist On the beach

    It also sounds like you might need an adjustment to your meds.
  4. Kaylotta

    Kaylotta Writer Trash

    First: congrats on even thinking about moving up and out. That's damn hard any way you slice it, and even harder with depression, so kudos to you. :D

    Some thoughts from outsider-land:

    1. Definitely give those sheets to your parents, and talk to them about what you're going through if you can spare the spoons. You're not making excuses, I don't think: you suffer from depression and it trips you up. Sure, we've all got brain habits we need to work on, and maybe self-discipline is one of yours (it's one of mine for sure), but remember that the depression exacerbates it.

    2. If your parents are concerned about you getting a job, and it's not hostile, it might be worth asking for their help. I'm not sure what that might look like in your case, but if the conversation about depression goes well, then they'll understand a little more of what your brain can and can't do, and they can maybe help with some of the stuff that you can't do. At least you'll all be on the same page.

    3. As @rigorist said, it might be worth looking into a med adjustment.

    4. "Jumping back in" can be pretty risky, speaking from experience. If you're still iffy on whether or not you're ready, I'd err on the side of caution and take on one thing at a time. Otherwise, you may run the risk of continually second-guessing yourself as to whether your spoons are low because you're being productive and using them, or if they're low because you're depressed, or if you're actually being productive at all ... When I'm on the upswing again, I break things down into very small steps, so I can prove to my brain that I'm Doing Something. The tasks of course get bigger as I am more ready, and I typically find that they grow fairly organically.

    Good luck!
    • Like x 1
  5. witchknights

    witchknights 27 Bold Enchanter Defends The Fearful

    reforcing the suggestion to see if your meds can be adjusted.
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