Not okay yet

...well, I've stopped crying, now to repair my damaged mood. Inadvisable amounts of chocolate, here I come.

 

Agreement secured. If you want to vent about something to do with her in the future, I suggest private friend chats.

 

Okay. Thank you.

 

Welp, guess I'm just one of those awful horrible scary aces. Fear me.

 

Meatspace Friend suicidal, abusing Xanax and probably some other things, facing potential confiscation of her pets, no idea wtf to do. :(

 

*offers hugs* :(

 

thanks.

(Also did I mention the anorexia and the aftereffects of having been raised by a hoarder? She's in a really bad place is what I'm saying, and the only other friends she has seem to be pretty bad at being friends. Fortunately Mom's been willing to offer support as well...)

 

She needs moral support and to talk but I just can't force myself to listen well enough, especially since she shares my need for background noise but I can not listen to multiple things at once, I just can't, and also since she just doesn't fucking sleep I keep spending time with her when I'm really tired and then I can't listen to even one thing.

 

I was happy to accompany her to her court-ordered AA meeting when she was afraid. It was honestly nbd. It was a little more effort to hang out with her while she cleaned and keep her company on account of how late it was, but I was more than willing to do that too.

But apparently I never do anything for her, now that I've refused to provide her with a urine sample. That would definitely be over the "enabling" line, though, right?

 

am I the only person in the world who doesnt like assholes?

 

I want to hang out with her. I don't want to go to more bars right now. The mall has been shot down as more expensive, but I just wanna windowshop. @_@

 

well, no, what I just want is to know what to say. Seems wrong to just let a message sit because I don;t have a good response, but saying I don't seems wronger.

 

Meatspace Friend evicted. Feel slightly guilty for being slightly relieved. I don't know if we'll stay in contact or not, but at least she seems to consider me less "on call" now?

In other news, sometimes I wonder if just hacking my boobs the fuck off would be less painful than having them. The backache, the trouble and expense of finding bras that even approach a decent fit (and the soreness when they don't but I can't fucking afford another, either in money or in the spoons it takes to shop for the damn things), the fucking heat rash. Take them away, I can't afford the upkeep.

 

I'm tired and I should sleep. But before I can sleep, I have to stop distracting myself from how damn lonely I am and how im going nowhere and wrecking my body in order to do it

 

good things are happenign why am i like this

 

at least one irl hug every day is a reasonable thing to want right?

 

and peple not forgetting about me?

 

Yes those are both reasonable things to want.

 

I'm such an ableist fuckhead, the more I learn about BPD the more I just want to avoid anyone with anything like it forever