ok but is romance even real??

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Mostly Harmless, Feb 2, 2017.

  1. Mostly Harmless

    Mostly Harmless poetry apologist

    Because I've never felt a thing that was un-ambiguously romantic and I'm wondering if that experience is common or not? Does anybody actually look at someone and go "yes these sure are romantic feelings I am feeling for this person" or is that only a thing in books/movies?

    All my elementary & high-school crushes were made up to fit in and I just assumed everybody else did that to... but now i'm starting to wonder if folks actually feel these things? Asking now because I've got a first date with a friend coming up this weekend and it'd suck for the guy in question if it turns out I'm uniquely incapable of romance, and I go on pretending.

    Looking for anectdata in either direction..
     
    • Like x 1
  2. Newlyread

    Newlyread Killer Queen

    Those feelings do exist, yeah, but also they don't exist for a lot of people! Have you heard of aromanticism?
     
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  3. Mostly Harmless

    Mostly Harmless poetry apologist

    I've seen it around, yeah! But it's tough to know whether my experience is "has no romantic inclinations" or "doesn't recognize romantic inclinations" because I've got zero frame of reference

    Plus - a lot of people have described romance as something you've got to work on? And I've never really made a prolonged effort to make myself feel that way, so idk. It's hard to pin down the presence or absence of an interior experience, i guess
     
    • Like x 2
  4. electroTelegram

    electroTelegram Well-Known Member

    anecdote, i have no romantic experience but i know romance is soemthing i want, and something i think about when i like someone. experiencing the feeling of it is not something i had to work on.
     
    • Like x 4
  5. Newlyread

    Newlyread Killer Queen

    Romance and love and all that can be such a nebulous concept and so different for people that it's really hard to box in, unfortunately. If you're asking if "love at first sight" exists, I'm inclined to say no -- that's usually just physical attraction. And I would agree that real, sustainable romance and love is something you need to work on in the long term. Movies and book always end at "and they lived happily ever after" because the day to day of a relationship isn't as exciting.

    I think, if you're interested in figuring out for yourself whether or not you can feel these feelings, try out the date. It's a first date, not a marriage proposal, and you have every right to later be like, "You know what? I'm not feeling it."
     
    • Like x 10
  6. paladinkit

    paladinkit brave little paladin

    I'mma point @Anomal(eee) at this thread because she is very definitely demiromantic (feels romance feelings exceedingly rarely, and usually only after context of a sustained relationship of some kind).

    as someone who has a lot of romance feelings, I can say that when people say "it's something you work on," it's usually about sustaining a relationship, and about sustaining romantic feelings (which involve a lot of, well, romantacization sometimes) about someone over a period of time that involves a lot of prosaic or even unpleasant elements.

    adding my vote to the idea of not stressing too much about a first date. even for me, feeling super-sincere-romantic on a first date is... at the very least hard to trust? first-glance feelings of any kind can be pretty fickle, and it's totally expected for people to take a while to figure out exactly what they're getting and what they want out of a relationship.
     
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  7. Starcrossedsky

    Starcrossedsky Burn and Refine

    romance feels are definitely a thing that exist for a lot of people, yeah. I'm emphatically not aromantic and lack of the romfeels in my life is a significant factor in my depression.
     
    • Like x 4
  8. unknownanonymous

    unknownanonymous i am inimitable, i am an original|18+

    romantic feelings are definitely real, and though they don't always perfectly resemble the typical media portrayals of them, the typical media portrayals strike me as close enough to the real thing. and i have been really embarrassing when i was younger as a result of my romantic feelings.
     
    • Like x 3
  9. Mostly Harmless

    Mostly Harmless poetry apologist

    Huh - I've definitely had the experience of "this person is cool/funny/a fun challenge and I want to hang out with them" is there a noticeable difference between wanting to be friends and wanting to do romance?
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2017
  10. Anomal(eee)

    Anomal(eee) Grumblepunk Gremlin

    Me & my demi ass are here for conversating! And I'm going to expand on what Kit said- I haven't ever actually had a crush, and was actually in the same boat as you in being pretty sure everyone else was just making it up- I figured it was kids trying to act more grown-up by playing boyfriend/girlfriend, and that those feelings would kick in when I was older- but... they never really did. I've been friends with Kit basically all my life (we met when I was three and she was four), and she's the first person I ever got a crush on. This was after, oh... 12 years of friendship? Yeah. Wow.

    Anyway! It could be that you just don't get romance feelings (although that doesn't mean that you then couldn't have relationships if that's the case; it just takes more communication), or it could be that you just haven't found yourself in circumstances where you go from "I enjoy this person's company and want to be friends with them!" to "this person makes my heart feel all fluttery and their smile lights up the whole room andd is it normal to want to spend time with someone this much because this is ridiculous and I might be going crazy" (<--- which may not be exactly how it hits you, but is a pretty accurate, if tongue-in-cheek, summary of how Kai's First Crush (TM) went down). And yes, in my experience there is a difference between wanting to be friends and wanting romance with a person, but for me it is a sharper division than it is for some just because I so seldom get the "I want to do the romance with you" response.

    (I'm totally willing to talk about this more, but I'm going to be really upset with myself tomorrow morning if I'm up any later, so I'm out for the night.)
     
    • Like x 5
  11. Starcrossedsky

    Starcrossedsky Burn and Refine

    For me there is, yeah, though romfeels usually grow out of friendfeels. Romfeels are... squishier is too nebulous but also right, like. Friendfeels aren't the same kind of "clutch to my chest and hold on to."
     
    • Like x 5
  12. Alaspooralice

    Alaspooralice An actual trash fire

    I feel the romance type feelings, and it doesn't always hit you right away, it can also come and go. I was very up and down romantically for the bf before we started dating.

    I feel like, a swelling sensation in my chest with my bf. And I get those choice endorphins when we hug. It feels very "bright" for me. But as it has been said they feel kinda different depending. I suggest testing the waters with your friend, even if it doesn't work out romance wise it could still be a fun time.
     
    • Like x 3
  13. Mostly Harmless

    Mostly Harmless poetry apologist

    Performing some moderate thread necromancy in honor of the late Valentine's day: if folks have romance/aromance anecdotes or analyses that they'd like to share, I'm still here for that!
     
  14. paintcat

    paintcat Let the voice of love take you higher

    I don't know what romance is either. I've had people explain it for me, but I think I'm just not one of the people that experiences a difference between that and friendship bonds. I've pretty much quit dating. Now I have kissing friends and non-kissing friends and it makes so much more sense.
     
    • Like x 3
  15. cobblestoner

    cobblestoner Member

    I'm intensely romantic, always have been. It's definitely a distinct physiological emotion. I s2g it could be chemically isolated. Often associated with the sensation of my chest breaking or caving in, or burning with a radiating heat, and sensations of soaring/falling/weightlessness.

    I have no control over it. Zero. A number of times, I've wanted to feel romantic about a great potential partner and it just didn't happen; and many, many more times I've tried to not feel romantic about someone and have failed miserably. Just gotta avoid them and distract myself. I've given up on dating because I only get romantic feelings for someone naturally and spontaneously - aka in "real life", not the controlled environment of a date; particularly during meaningful pursuits and high-stakes situations.

    When people say romance and romantic feelings don't exist and are just a capitalist/antifeminist construction I'm always torn between laughing and jabbing my hand with a fork. Please. I wish they could be in my brain for an hour. I do think that it's likely that many mainstream people don't experience that emotion, and embrace romance as a symbol of combined pleasure, security, and companionship without even having an inkling that there's this Thing some people actually feel. But there is. Hoo boy.

    I also think, for an aromantic trying to understand romance, you might get closer by comparing it to a relationship with a family member you deeply love (if you are fortunate enough to have one of those) than a friendship. I've had some intense friggin friendships, like, life partner level, and there were wonderful, powerful, and deep emotional reactions in addition to a general sense of rightness and goodness, but not The Romance One. Perhaps with the exception of dire situations where my friends have been harmed or in danger; feeling protective and nurturing is pretty close to romantic, for me. However, the first guy I ever fell in love with was my dad. And what I felt holding hands with my grandma when she was dying was akin to romantic heartbreak.

    edit: I had a point at the beginning of all this which I never got around to... Which is that "romantic feelings" are their own particular thing independent of "romantic relationships". They're not just "the emotions you happen to be having when you're in a relationship that society has recognized as romantic". A lot of people feel and express romantic feelings in unconventional ways. I experience and work out 90% of my romantic feelings with slashfiction and writing; blossom, bloom, crash and burn like mental/spritiual love orgasms.

    I once had a near-perfect dating relationship for 6 months with one of the most enlightened, sexiest, gorgeous guys I've ever known, and our chemistry was off the charts. I had comfy, fun feelings for him, sure, but the magnitude of my romfeels was far greater in at least 25 other interpersonal relationships which weren't established dating relationships and which may or may not have even involved reciprocation, let alone shared sexual activity. Like. I still catch myself thinking about a former coworker with whom I had a bitter antagonistic relationship and once suspended for a racially charged remark. I would love to take care of that person 'til he's old and grey. We just fit, we were so strangely compatible, and there were moments where we acknowledged this. If I held him and kissed him it would be like visiting another dimension. That's romance: it don't make no sense sometimes.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2017
    • Like x 4
  16. Aondeug

    Aondeug Cringe Annoying Ass Female Lobster

    Romantic feelings are a thing I experience and I've been thinking about this for a while now because I'm not really sure how to explain it. In terms of how they feel they are intensely passionate. At times that passion is an overwhelming rush of feeling, but most of time it's just their staying power. Whatever relationship issues I am having with my girlfriend right now I love her dearly. I have for seven years. The problems wouldn't be so bad if I didn't love her. Romance for me is a kind of affection and trust. A very special sort that is distinct from other sorts. The romantic partner ends up in a sort of tier of their own.

    Because I basically have tiered levels of affection and trust. My two romantic partners are at the top of this pyramid and exist alongside, say, my mother. It's kind of a family level group? The romance tier. I love many people and I treasure my friends and want everyone to be happy, but my romantic others come before the rest. Then directly after them come the Very Precious Friend tier. So there's like a total of four people whom I feel outweigh the rest of the world. I will Sailor Neptune bet the fate of all the world for the gamble of those four living.

    Crushes are related to romance but I don't think they're the same thing. More for me they are the potential for romantic love that actually lasts. That's very excited and giddy feeling. A very dumb and insistent sort of passion. A lot of it is very sexual in nature. An excited sort of sexual interest because WOW NEW THING WOW PERSON NEW YES. Whereas like with my girlfriend things have kind of slowed down sexually. I'm still interested in her, but like there are things she can do and things she can't. And that's fine.

    I will say that sex isn't how I mark whether someone is a romantic interest to me though? Hardly. It definitely appears to be something of an affection based thing in general for me, but also it just kind of happens. There's plenty of people I see that I want to fuck and nothing else with them. Just that and then we part ways and never speak to one another again. Then there's my moirail who is basically the least sexy thing in the world to me. He's still a romantic relationship though. Just a different sort from my girlfriend. Kissing also doesn't seem to be a sign of whether or not I'm romantically interested. The only sign is "Aon feels romantically interested". I am not sure how to describe it. It's simply a thing I know.

    So friend feels and romance feels are different, though I can't quite say how they're different. Romance feels are born out of friend feels in my case.
     
    • Like x 3
  17. Mostly Harmless

    Mostly Harmless poetry apologist

    Ok, so this is really cool? This is the exact thing I was thinking was purely a trope -- like badass movie characters never getting blasted away by explosions. That "romantic feelings" can be an actual distinct and involuntary thing is blowing my mind a little.
     
    • Like x 2
  18. cobblestoner

    cobblestoner Member

    YES! I'm so glad I can help answer that. It does sound fake as fuck. "so you felt like you were being dismembered and put back together, but in a good way. you were shaking all over. and you weren't on drugs. okaaay, suuure." But it's really that overwhelming. It's also part of why I was straight edge when I was younger; my romantic feelings literally get me high. I figured I didn't need drugs because I had my own built-in dispensary.

    You're gonna laugh your ass off at me, but this Kirk/Spock fanvid is a close artistic approximation of my basic feeling of romance.



    I had a friend tell me it made her feel an emotion she'd never felt before, so that's part of why it came to mind. Erm, hopefully you watch Star Trek. In any case just the song is a pretty decent musical transliteration of pure romantic emotion imho. I often wonder if other people get my brand of romfeels more from music than from other people.
     
    • Like x 4
  19. paintcat

    paintcat Let the voice of love take you higher

    Densely-layered, atmospheric music definitely has the ability to make me feel some intense things. I have felt sort of like I was floating in microgravity, or like my body was disappearing, or like my head was full of stars, or like my chest was doing... something, while listening to certain music. It's pretty cool. (Pls listen to Wintersun)

    I had times, when I was in high school, where I was really uncontrollably attracted to someone in a way that interfered with my life and I wished fervently that the feelings would go away. Not so much the romantic feeling you describe. More like admiration or obsession, I guess. Couldn't stop thinking about them, picturing completely impossible scenarios where they responded to my feelings. I wanted to connect with them, to get them to pay attention to me. Actually it happened to me once as an adult, too. It was very stupid and I did stupid things in an effort to resolve it.
     
    • Like x 3
  20. unknownanonymous

    unknownanonymous i am inimitable, i am an original|18+

    i don't get feelings that are intense in the same ways @cobblestoner and @paintcat described, but i get them and they are intense - but not physically intense and don't think i can get high off of them. it's more like, love songs feeling really true, lots of focus on the person i'm into, yearning, and me caring a lot about what they think of me, more than i care about anyone else's opinion of me.
     
    • Like x 2
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