"Hey, you've reached Rooks! I'm too anxious to answer the phone right now, too depressed to call you back later today, and too ADHD to return your call later this week. Please send me a detailed text message instead and be prepared to never hear from me again!" BEEP This is what goes through my mind everytime I miss a call. And I miss almost every call. Everyone is invited to play Overly Honest Voicemail Message with me.
"Hey, this is Bird. Even if I answered, I probably wouldn't be able to understand you, so just go ahead and text or email me. At least then you've got half a chance. Thanks!"
"Hi, this is Pixels. I literally never pick up my phone because I screen every call and because I just really hate phone calls. If you leave a voicemail message, I will probably listen to it in the next couple of months. Family can text. Practitioners can email, even though texting is easier, because texting invites HIPAA violations. Everyone else, uh... sorry? I know I put a phone number down but it's because the app made me. Try my email, which I also only check every third day. The short version: you're SOL on contacting me. Sorry!"
BEEP "hey, you have not reached apple! sorry, but my phone was on 'do not disturb'. it is always on 'do not disturb'. i am extremely relieved that i did not see the screen light up when you called! i wouldn't have picked up, but i would have felt anxious and guilty about it. family and friends, please feel free to text me, which you should have done in the first place, you jackass! if i am feeling particularly ashamed of myself this week, i may eventually get back to you. hope this call wasn't urgent!!" BEEP
Hello it's Everett, if this is any of my various doctors calling can you please just leave a message? Literally, wait for the beep and tell me why I have a missed call from you. Stop making me play phone tag???
howdy you've reached rats' voicemail, which is actually broken and ive been too stressed to get it fixed, so even if you do leave a message im never going to be able to listen to it! if i recognize the number i might text you back, otherwise u will never hear from me, ever, goodbye,
hi, you've reached emmerson! my phone has been broken for two fucking months and i never picked it up before that, so i don't know why the hell you're calling me. i answer the phone enough in my day job! if you leave a voicemail i will summon the spoons to get back to you, but fucking text me, or in this case, message me on facebook, since my phone is busted and i've told literally everyone that! please don't call me again, because repeat phone calls trigger my anxiety something awful, unless it is a literal emergency. my brain is done procesesing spoken words today, bye!
You have failed to reach Cody. This because in the rare time my phone is not on flight mode, I panic and hang up automatically. Seriously, just use my email, you´ll actually have a snowballs chance in hell that way.
Hello this is Aon. Please stop calling. Please no. I am not picking up. I am not listening to the messages. please no i do not want solar panels.
Oh and work cellphone time Hello youve reached (name) at (workplace) please leave a detailed message including your name and number and I'll get back to you once my boss emails the phone company to tell them to reset my voicemail password. Until then this message is going to sit in limbo, so quite honestly please call the office number at (number)
Hi, this is WithAnH. Don't even bother leaving a message, I don't check them because the indicator makes me anxious. If I know your number, I'll try to guess what you wanted from context and send you a text or email, maybe. If I don't know your number, you're probably out of luck. If you're that outfit calling me from Michigan trying to sell me an extended warranty for the car that got totaled last year, I invite you to shove a prickly pear up your ass.
((...i'm pretty sure my actual real life voice message is just my brother's voice saying my birthname, because he set me up with the phone, i hate talking to the fake lady voice for programming the message, and he did it like 4 years ago .........can i hire someone to make a real voice message plz))
Hi, this is Dove! I don't know why you're calling me instead of leaving a text message, but I can't answer the phone right now. I probably just wasn't near enough to the phone to pick it up in time, but I might be having a day where I just can't do things like answering the phone or talking on it. I know, that sounds silly, but it's a thing. But hey: if you send me a text message, the odds of me answering it are about 95%! I'll probably even manage to answer it promptly! And as an extra bonus, we'll both have a log of the conversation, so neither of us has to try and remember if something actually got mentioned!