Every now and then I think to myself “Hrm. I should learn 3D modeling/animation.“ And of course now that I’m neck-deep in exams I’m making plans to actually follow up on that once I’m free, because I have an avoidance reflex so strong I could dodge bullets. Except now that it’s become this semi-real eventual thing, every depression/anxiety/perfectionism reflex I have is kicking in and I can’t actually tell the difference between a legitimate concern and a conditioned response cultivated to keep myself from ever trying anything ever. Do I want to do this because I feel I’ve failed permanently as a writer? Do I want to do this because this is a skill I haven’t yet convinced myself I am and always will be absolute shit at? Every time I get genuinely invested in something, I stop doing it. I want to do this, am I therefore not invested in it? Do I therefore not care about it? Shouldn’t I be doing something I care about? aaand now I can’t stop listing everything I’ve ever grown to love and reflexively distanced myself from - writing projects, roleplays, art, friendships, my best friend’s success and well-being (oh wow I am such an asshole jesus fuck) Writing it all out makes it easier to parse, so now I’m thinking it’s like 90-95% brainfuck bullshit. I’m also thinking I’m an asshole and I am sorry. But yeah this happens every single time I discover anything even mildly interesting. But at least this means I haven't given up, I guess? In general, I mean. Clearly I've given up on many specific things and am filled with regret for every single one. I’m the best at revising for exams.
what makes you think that you've "failed permanently" as a writer? :o writing is about growing and evolving, i dont think theres any way to fail at writing, just like there's no way to fail at drawing - im not trying to step on how you feel, just a clarification, but im just wondering is all
I don't write. Haven't for ages. I stumbled across my intro thread on here and apparently I was writing a thing back then, so the last time I attempted to write a thing was back in July or something, but I'd completely forgotten about it. I dunno. Most of the time past!me is like a total stranger. I have little perception of time and lose large swaths of it. It's partly also a kind of logical conclusion, I think? I'm considering getting into a thing, which means getting out of another thing. If the new thing becomes long-term, which it'll have to be - competence will only come with time - then the abandonment of the previous thing - writing - is also long-term. Therefore dedicating myself to learning modeling/animation means giving up writing, which means total and absolute failure.
