a several part series where i get back into seeing the professional and talking about the things first appointment with therapist was this morning. i go back next week saturday at 10 am same as this week. i like having this much on my schedule and my boss can go pound sand if he doesn't like that i have actual doctor appointments that mean i can't work during non-business hours. Spoiler: things that i learned (cw rape, alcoholism) my dad is an alcoholic yes, i was raped twice i am super duper depressed right now i am super duper anxious right now i told her the main reasons i went in were to get help with leaving my job (including potential short term disability or something) and with getting an adult autism assessment. i'm making copies of my MMPI i took back in 2011 that show that i have a "but people with tits can't be autistic" diagnostic profile, so hopefully she can take me seriously. maybe we'll talk about it more next week. idk. i gave her my list of symptoms and she said "wait, wait, slow down" when i was a third of the way through the list. i don't know about y'all, but i think i'm having some serious problems if five items was only a third of the way down my list and i was already going too fast for the therapist. she may or may not have been alarmed at how small my support system is right now, but honestly, i put most of that on my parents. they're doing a shit job at being supportive of me as i am right now, they're trying to support some child who doesn't exist but looks like me. Spoiler: cw suicide i did give her a heads up that i will probably get suicidal (well, more than i am already) around my birthday. wonder if she's going to report that. she did the standard legal "i have to make a report if you say you're going to hurt yourself" language, and i understand the importance of it, but i do think there needs to be a legal reporting distinction between passively suicidal (wishing to die, thinking about throwing self in front of cars/smoking cigarettes to get lung cancer/unprotected sex to get aids/whatever) and actively suicidal (here's my exact plan and it is all literally in my house right now ready to go) @Beldaran the methods she offered were cbt (which i don't want) and... uh. what was the other one? success driven? oh, solutions driven. like, i have the solutions, i just don't know i have the solutions/strengths. and i am totally on board with that. like, i know what i can't do, and people in my life can't respect or appreciate that i know my own limits. but i don't know what i can do, because i've been forcing myself to do "normal" can-do things that i actually, as it turns out, cannot do. so i don't know what works. points for you. @seebs she said specifically that i need to work on getting some confidence in my decisionmaking for myself. and tried to tell me i wasn't being self-indulgent with my self-care, which like. i agree with? but i've been guilted for it all my life, so. points for you as well. kinda pissed that i was so tired this morning when i went in because of the late night at work last night. i tried to tell my boss i had an appointment and he just didn't care. it came out in my voice today, which was extremely scratchy and also extremely sarcastic and self-deprecating. afterwards i went to go get some good chocolate to reward myself for doing the thing. the appointment is set up with auto-debit so i don't have to worry about paying a bill or anything, which is really awesome if you have brain fog + self care deficits like i do and can't be arsed to check my own mail for bills/stop at a front desk to pay before i leave. the one thing that stuck with me is that it's okay if i don't want to use my law degree in life, because if it's not making me happy then it's not worth it. and i think she's extremely alarmed that my average hours a week is 70 (seventy) right now. i brought up several times that i'm between a rock and a hard place because work is making me ill but it's my only source of income. i feel less trapped, but still trapped. hopefully i can get out of the job and on disability and things will ease up a little. i don't even know.
So, here's my observation: You did a thing. I mean, you got appointment, you went to appointment. You made followup. You have decided that you are going to do it and boss can't tell you otherwise. So. I think you are kicking ass.
Afaik they only report if you have a plan to hurt yourself but it's probably good to clarify with her. Good on you for doing the thing! :)
Yeah, I think that making a statement of intent is very different from saying that you're feeling suicidal but aren't making specific plans or anything. I know people who are passively suicidal like, all the time and their therapists help them with that, but don't constantly report them.
This week: "Why are you so mean to yourself?" (talking about how I motivate myself by pointing out that other people would think I'm a lazy piece of shit) "Is that how your parents used to talk to you?" Well, no, but not doing the thing was never an option. Bought myself an electric toothbrush because I think it will help my self care executive dysfunction. "Have you considered being nice to yourself?" "Why would I do that though?" I was being sarcastic, but really tho Tried to put me through relaxation exercises, then realized I'd tried that and it didn't work to stop the thoughts. Told her about Shut-The-Fuck-Up-Todd and she understood the concept at least. Thought I was very self aware. Pointed out that self awareness wasn't my problem, having the energy to actually tell Todd to shut the fuck up is the problem. She had no tips besides what I normally do, which I described as nuclear containment. Seemed alarmed that I was dealing with such severe chest pain earlier this week, to which I pointed out that what the hell else was I supposed to do, it lasted two days and alleviated once the anxiety thing was over with and painkillers wouldn't have helped. This was the point at which she suggested relaxation exercises. Haha no. I don't know if this is arrogant of me, but I feel like I'm smarter than she is. I don't know what she can teach me that I can't do myself. The problem is having the energy. And she can't help with that apparently. Oh, told her about the lovely moment from earlier this week where my mom said "oh yeah so now you know how we feel when we can't sleep for worrying about you being suicidal." Meanwhile I am losing sleep due to being the actual person with the hospitalization-level mental illness. YOU DONT SAY THAT SHIT WHAT THE FUCK. Unproductive day besides the toothbrush thing.
I don't know that you're more skilled at the therapy thing than your therapist, she does have to suggest solutions that you may have heard before if she doesn't know that you've heard them before. If the trouble shooting frustrates you then tell her that, there's no way she can know everything you've tried in the past or how you're feeling about things unless you communicate. You haven't even been seeing her for a month, you don't have anything like a shared basis of information. Give it time.
How's your physical health? If I was betting money, I'd lay a small wager it's shit right now, considering you've gone through at least a year of super-stress. Perhaps it would be useful to work on physical issues and approach health in a *gag* *puke* "holistic" *cough* way. Just tossin' this one out there.
Yeah, the way I've done it with most of my recent therapists is to tell them that I've read all the books and most of the websites, so it would not be useful for them to tell me things that I could find in a book. So the approach I got after that was less "have you tried relaxation?" and more "you've tried relaxation, right? I know that there's [caveat] [caveat] [caveat] about how to use it, so I just wanted to check that you've already tried most of the ways to do it and know how to do it properly." The latter is more acceptable to me; it might be more acceptable to you.
i'll bring in my books on saturday so she can see my homework that i've done. i also just realized that she hasn't actually asked me what medications i'm on.
my therapist has multiple times now expressed alarm that i don't love myself. which, why. also tried to tell me that wanting people to love me is not unreasonable. sounds fake, but okay. that most people get friends not by sharing special interests, because "if that's all you have to talk about then no wonder you fall out from these people a lot." um i'm 90% sure i don't have a personality and i'm only special interests, and 110% sure that people only like me because i make them feel things. like emotions from writing, or they think something i said was funny or thought provoking. "other people can't love you until you love yourself" binch have you even seen the levels of self-deprecating humor i have reached. i'm funny, which makes people laugh, and i hate myself. good stuff: i can call the psychiatrist affiliated with the group on monday to get in for a quicker appointment for assessments and medication adjustment than doing it through the county. good, because i've wanted off this one medication since i learned it was poisoning my liver to the point where i need yearly blood tests. and the assessments means i might could get a Diagnosis for some of the shit i'm 99% about.
i have a psychiatrist appt on the 16th. i just need to not go to the hospital. i cut off all my hair because it was too hard to take care of otherwise. i think my therapist wants me to run a personal blog on tumblr, but i'm really ennhhhhhhh about the idea. i don't run a personal blog for actual reasons, mostly because i don't want my meltdowns to be public and i don't think people on the internet are entitled to my opinions. but she thinks it would help me feel "listened to."
