question about malleable/fluid opinions

Discussion in 'Braaaaiiiinnnns...' started by pinnedbutterfly, Feb 5, 2017.

  1. pinnedbutterfly

    pinnedbutterfly *sparkles*

    so. i've noticed that a thing i do sometimes is modify my stance on something if i think i could have offended someone. even if it's a minor thing. for example, when talking to my friends about movies they mentioned a certain movie that i've made fun of in the past, and i grumbled b/c it's a movie i'm not super fond of. but then bc i remembered certain facts about my friends i backpedaled and said that i'm not sure how to feel about that movie, b/c i realized that other people could like it and i could be insulting them when i didn't mean to be.

    and i'm just wondering: is this a common thing or not? b/c it doesn't seem like it's a normal thing--my core beliefs don't really change that much, especially since i'm stubborn, but whenever someone has an opinion that makes logical sense to me i can see why other people might have that opinion.

    i'm also quick to understand why people might have issues with whatever person, even if it's one of my friends, and i worry that i'm not loyal enough b/c i'm not jumping to said friend's defense and am instead sympathizing with the person who has the issues, and this bothers me b/c i feel like i'm not being a very good friend if i'm not defending them from people who might criticize them.
    • Like x 2
  2. unknownanonymous

    unknownanonymous i am inimitable, i am an original|18+

    i'm like this too, i think. there have been many heated kintsugi arguments in which i've genuinely put 'likes' on people holding both the opposing viewpoints, simply 'cause they were good enough at explaining their point of view or humorous or whatever. and sometimes i wonder, when i do that, if the people getting and looking at the 'likes' are like "wtf" or think i'm just trying to take whatever side makes me look good.

    but this ability to see both sides and change my mind easily is useful. i can't solve conflict quite yet, but this means i'm usually able to avoid starting fights and avoid getting in already started fights and can be an island of calm when kintsugi is an ocean of rage. 'cause, well, a lot of conflict comes from people who aren't willing to change their minds or consider different viewpoints or try to understand the people they disagree with.

    and yeah, i feel bad about being so aaron burr sometimes, but the world is wide enough for both aaron burrs and alexander hamiltons. and they both serve their own purposes, have their own strengths and weakness.

    also, i like your posts. you have good thoughts.
    • Like x 3
  3. Deresto

    Deresto Foolish Mortal

    I know this feel! Could be an anxiety thing, doesnt mean its bad - its usually a coping mechanism in stressful situations i think. Some people run, some people yell, some get defensive, and some adapt to the situation. Its not perfect by any means, but it doesnt have to be, its just the way you deal with stuff somtimes :)
    • Like x 3
  4. pinnedbutterfly

    pinnedbutterfly *sparkles*

    Thank you, both of you, for the input! It is an ability that's pretty useful when people get mad over an issue that I'm not super involved in because it does allow me to keep a cool head. Of course, when you get something I'm super invested in/passionate about, it's harder, because then sometimes *I'm* the one to start conflict. mostly that's just with family members, though I'm trying to utilize new strategies where I don't compromise my views but can still try to be understanding of where they're coming from.
    • Like x 4
  5. Verily

    Verily surprised Xue Yang peddler

    I do this. Like, if I think a particular piece of media is lame or obnoxious but I find out someone loves it, I'm interested in knowing why. Offending people is not conducive to that.

    I deal with it by being scrupulously truthful, especially about direct questions. If someone asks me if I liked a movie I hated, I can't tell them I liked it. I can tell them it wasn't my thing but I'd be up for hearing about it and maybe giving it another try if that's true. If discovering someone loved it has unsettled my opinion, I can say I'm not sure how I feel about it because that's true. It's more about being internally consistent than a problem with lying. If I lose emotional integrity in my own eyes, I collapse into a sad pile of wet sand.

    I sort of think of it as a way of validating someone's feelings/reality. We don't have to have the same perspective for me to respect theirs. I don't have to agree always to agree that when you put it like that, it makes total sense.

    I appreciate when people do the same for me. If I loved something someone hated, I like if they give me space to explain why I think it's great. If I had a problem with something, I particularly admire when someone is willing to let me air my grievance and acknowledge it even if they don't agree. That's really hard to do.

    Friends are (usually) more complicated than media, but I still do this. I can see both sides of many arguments. I guess if I have reason to be loyal to one friend and it's an ongoing thing, I may ask if it's alright. Like the friend going through a divorce whose ex-to-be really needed someone to talk to. I was primarily her friend, so I did ask her if she was comfortable with it. (She said it was okay. I think she was relieved to know he had someone and it didn't have to be her. And that I was good at keeping things separate so she wasn't going to lose a friend over it, or get stuck in a situation where I'd end up as an intermediary through which they could have whole new fights.) Otherwise I suppose I just hope that if anyone has a problem or wonders if I really care about them, they bring it to me.

    I don't know if this is common. I definitely don't think it's bad, though.
    • Like x 1
  6. electroTelegram

    electroTelegram Well-Known Member

    i do this too! (or, something similar) im very anxious about offending people. even if i really liked a movie i would withhold Official judgement until i knew if my friends liked it or not. like i wouldnt do a 180 and say i hated it, but i would be much more critical of the movie and i dont know how much of that is a choice and how much is unconscious adaption.

    it does help me in understanding multiple sides of an argument, and helps pull me back from losing myself in one side's argument, but it can also result in a lot of stress because sometimes my brain does the thing where i think if i don't agree with someone they will hate me, and if there are multiple conflicting opinions then i get very emotionally confused very fast.
    • Like x 3
  7. pinnedbutterfly

    pinnedbutterfly *sparkles*

    Both of those stances are totally understandable! Id never really thought of it as validating someone else's world views--just sort of...view matching I guess? Bc I mimic people/what views I think they're likely to have, and try to be open to hearing their viewpoint.

    I'd also say I don't do complete 180s--I just tend to reconsider my opinion if it's different from what someone else is saying, unless, again, it goes against my Core Beliefs. it also extends to ships in fandom--I'm hugely influenced by what my friends ship and can usually consider understand where they're coming from. but I still have my Original Ships, so I end up with multishipping. It might be a Matching Thing tho too.

    That said, whenever I change an opinion it does feel like a Real Opinion change or a real consideration, and not a lie to make myself more palatable to other people, bc I don't like lying and try my best not to. I just get frustrated at what I perceive as my own lack of consistency, even tho I know changing your mind about something isn't the worst thing ever.

    Another note: I used to get hella defensive about the things I liked when I was a teen, but I think I'm better about it now and can listen to why people might not like the thing I do, so that's progress I think.
    • Like x 2
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