raginghearts' raging brain issues thread

idk this probably doesn't need its own thread but i was scared to post in the freezer thread because ??? fuck brains
i don't know
ok to comment on i guess even if this is mostly just me freaking out about everyfuckingthing
i managed to move away from my abusive mom but now i'm looking for a job but i can't find one in my field and you'd think that editor/proofreader would be more in-demand than it is, you'd think that less people would be interested in it but apparently it's not very in-demand and so i have to look for a job that i can have in the meantime but i'm so, so scared that i'll end up stuck in some job i don't really want, that i'll be stuck as a janitor forever, that i went to college and nearly wrecked my sanity and got myself in debt for nothing but it looks like that's what's going to happen. because i can't find many decent jobs in my field around here and i can't move again, and maybe mom was right when she said i should've stayed and found a job before moving across the country but i had to get away from her, and it sucks cause so many of the jobs i could apply for are in california which is all the way back on the other side of the country from where i am now and it's too close to her, it'd be two states away from her and i still feel like that's too close

but i haven't even been able to get a job as a fucking kennel cleaner

i got the first interview and they said they'd call me back if i was considered for a second interview but i guess i somehow fucked up my chances in the single most informal interview i've ever been to, fuck me

and that's the only interview i've even gotten since i moved here

other than the brief stint i had at amazon which i had to quit after a week and a half because i couldn't handle it, the pain was too much, but now i think i should've just toughed it out, i was just being too much of a wuss

and i also feel horrible because, see, i moved in with my moirail and their family and they've been so nice but i still feel like they're secretly judging me, like i'm doing everything wrong, like i'm being the most obnoxious guest ever and i'm just eating everything and taking up space and being rude as fuck

and also i need to get a job because i need to get a source of income so i can get myself to a fucking therapist and maybe get myself on the track for gender reassignment because fuck fuck fuck my dysphoria has been so bad lately, i don't even want to talk because my voice is so stupidly high and even when i remember to not speak like a girl (which, fucking hell, shouldn't i be able to remember to be a BIT more masculine, for fuck's sake, it's making it hard for moirail's parents to remember my gender) it doesn't work well it's still too girly, i should just never fucking open my mouth because i don't have anything important to say anyways

and my boobs, oh god my boobs, i hate them, i want to just rip them off my chest, get them off
dysphoria's triggered if i don't wear a bra and it's triggered if i do wear a bra, and i can't afford a binder and it's just
fuck me fuck my voice fuck my chest
and i don't feel like i'll ever be able to get therapy/antidepressants or any help for the dysphoria because it feels like there are so many insurmountable obstacles, biggest of which is being able to afford it

and also because i now live in the south so i'm scared of hate crimes
especially considering the recent shooting

and everything feels so hopeless, i can't do anything, what's the point
and sometimes i really just want to stop existing, i've been having so many suicidal and self-harm thoughts lately and the only reason i haven't just offed myself is i'm actually kind of looking forward to september when my girlfriend will be coming down here and sometimes it feels like she's one of the only good things that is in my life but i miss her, she's so far away, long distance relationships are hard
and just tonight i was heavily considering just putting my hand on the stove and letting it burn
i almost did too
i don't know what stopped me
probably cause i'm too much of a wuss to actually commit

oh btw i haven't told my mom i quit my amazon job because she would not react well to it and she's wanting me to take a vacation to go see her and the family while they're in san francisco because since she thinks i have a job i should totally be able to pay for my own plane ticket but even if i could i don't think i would want to go but if i say no she might guilt trip me and claim that i hate her and the rest of the family
and i really miss my little brother but i don't want to go near her again, not yet

so everything sucks and i feel like i'm drowning in my own bad feels

 

i feel like i'm panicking, i've been on the verge of tears for hours now
my favorite metaphor to use for when i get like this is it feels like my soul is drowning, i feel so helpless and hopeless and alone
and i know the last one isn't true because i've got the support of my girlfriend and my moirail and a few friends but i don't feel like i can talk to any of them about this without making them get really worried about me and i don't want them to worry and i always feel like a whiny drama queen when i talk about me feeling this way
but i'm drowning

 

but i don't know how to bring it up without sounding like i'm going 'hey forget whatever it was you were doing, it's time to talk about me now'
and yeah maybe they do want to hear but then it's just going to make them worry and be upset and i don't want that, i want them at least to be happier than i am

 

Ah. Brains. So I find lines like "hey I am upset. Do you guys mind if I talk about a thing?" help my brain get past that block.

Edit: I would also like to add that I have a friend that is periodically suicidal/wants to self harm, and it reassures me a lot that I know that they will always tell me if things get bad. As long as they come to me, I can support them and make sure they are safe. But it requires that I know this and that I trust them to reach out to me, other wise I would worry a lot. Like a ton. So seriously, I think them knowing and you coming to them when it is bad will be something that is good in the long run.

 

I did finally manage to talk to my moirail, mostly by wandering up to their room and flopping and looking like I was on the verge of tears, so then they asked what was wrong... though I didn't tell them about the suicidal stuff tbh

but, I guess I'll have to keep that sort of thing in mind? it's just... really hard to bring up, and really hard to voice when i'm feeling that bad, in part because my natural instinct is to downplay my own feelings
which I think is partially because mom never reacted well to me being upset, she'd always just tell me to stop moping or some shit, or remind me that other people have it worse and I have no right to be sad

 

if I refuse to forgive then I seem like a Bad Person, if I forgive then I'm a doormat
that's my brain's thought process is, anyways

and of course neither my moirail nor my girlfriend are awake/online to talk about this with
so my brain's just tying itself up in fuckin knots

 

long distance relationships are hard
saw my girlfriend for a little over a week at the beginning of the month, and managed to avoid getting too sad about her leaving again by just not thinking too hard about it, but of course that only works for so long

and now I'm just... I miss her so bad :C I still talk to her almost every day over Skype, but it's not the same. I miss her being here with me, I miss being able to snuggle with her, I miss being able to kiss her and hear her voice and just have her physical presence there, and it's making me feel so very alone, and it all just hit me like a train and kinda triggered a depression episode
just want to sleep all the time
nothing is interesting
feel like I'm stagnating
zero motivation
don't know when I'll get to see her again, so I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to, don't know that I can deal with that

Spoiler: tw: suicidal ideation

some part of me knows that it's probably kinda unhealthy to get all "what's the point of living if I don't know when I'll get to see her again" but that doesn't stop my brain from chugging along with that train of thought anyways

and it doesn't help that in the months leading up to her coming down to visit, I kept telling myself "you can't die, not before getting to see Crystal again. You've got that to look forward to, at least" but now it's like "lol well that's passed, guess there's nothing really to look forward to anymore"

 

after months and months of nothing, finally got called in for an interview
as a dishwasher
I really want to get this job because it means I'll get income at least but I'm so, so, so fuckin scared that I won't get it

I'm not sure I can handle it if I don't get this job. Because then it's just a slap to the face of I'm not even good enough to be a goddamn dishwasher

I've been barely holding on to my sanity for the past couple weeks/months and I'm not sure I can keep going like this

and then of course there's the thought in the back of my mind that's going "I went to college for five fuckin years to potentially be a fuckin dishwasher, fuck everything"

I feel like I'm about to fall apart at the seams lmao

 

how do you stop constantly feeling like everyone secretly hates you

 

I feel like I'm just the weirdo outsider that people only tolerate to my face but they actually hate me and are constantly ridiculing me behind my back

or that everyone thinks I'm stupid

 

I don't even want to talk to people anymore cuz I'm convinced every word out of my mouth just makes people hate me more

 

And I know it's probably just warped perception but I don't know how to make it stop

 

I'm now almost entirely convinced that most of my coworkers either actively dislike me or else think I'm a weirdo or a freak or stupid or something

and it makes it so I don't want to say anything cuz I'm scared of saying the wrong thing but I know that just ends up making me seem more standoffish and/or rude or weird or any number of things so I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't

and it doesn't help that half the time I can't hear what people are even saying because I work in front of a grill which has a giant overhead vent fan which is very loud and mmakes it hard to hear shit and I'm bad at differentiating sounds

and on top of that I apparently have severe resting bitch face and constantly look like I'm pissed
so basically I'm pretty sure people just assume I'm being a pissy bitch but that's not at all what it is and I don't know how to fix it

fuck everything, fuck me, I hate myself, I feel like I'm such an awkward dumb lump

 

relatable feelings, esp about bitching :| face and difficulty in just palling around with coworkers, especially when there's loud noises to make it hard to hear

 

@swirlingflight it's no fun :C and it sort of feels like it emphasizes that I'm just kinda... bad at making friends
everyone else is already pretty good friends and I'm just
bleh

 

Screams I don't want to show up to work anymore, the feeling that everyone hates me is Hell how do I stop this from happening

 

great, I've reached the "kinda want to stop existing" phase of self-loathing, that makes everything fantastic

why can't I just be a normal, not massively awkward person
when will I stop being The Outsider(TM)

 

I'm gonna go sit over here and get these thoughts out cuz if I don't they'll spin around in my head forever

Spoiler: dramaaaaaaa, not immediately relevant hence spoiler

one of the things that bugs me the most about the call to ostricization was the claim that people who fucked up shouldn't be allowed to go back and try to go back to normal. I get the sentiment, but to me it has the unfortunate underlying tone of "if you fucked up I can't allow you to have fun even after the fact because I haven't seen you do enough self-flagellation or whatever"
and also it ends up being basically nothing but negative reinforcement. I feel like if people fuck up, they should be allowed to go back and have normal conversations because, who knows, maybe they'll eventually reach the conclusion that "This is fun! I enjoy myself more when I'm not attacking others!" but that cannot happen if they are not allowed to have their normal conversations and shit.
note that this doesn't mean people are obligated to talk to people who have hurt them
I myself have a person not on this forum I cannot stand, he hurt me and he's an ass and I feel like he's pretty damn manipulative and I run into him on livestreams sometimes
but you know what
I'm not going to say he has no right to go to livestreams or to have fun or to have normal conversations
I'm just going to ignore his fuckin ass
and yeah some of the people have done things a bit more extreme than what this dude has done but I feel like the same theory should apply, especially because in the case of what's happened here, this is because of brainweasels, not because of just being an ass

my thoughts are all jumbled up, it's late and I'm tired

it's entirely possible I misinterpreted something or am talking about irrelevant shit, which is why I put it here. recent events made me think of this and I wanted to type it out even if it's just talking to myself

wheeeeeeeeeeeeee here comes the panic I'm gonna go back to being a hermit now

 

in unrelated news how do I make myself stop panicking that I've accidentally pissed off one of the few friends I've somehow managed to make
I'm getting terrified to even talk to him because I'm convinced I've annoyed him in some way, and then I get scared that he thinks I'm avoiding/ignoring him so I try to force myself to talk but then I'm worried it feels forced and worried that I'll say something annoying
or else I just can't think of anything to say and then the conversation feels dead