Re does the personal thing [venting]

^That is my vent tag on tumblr.

I've been having a shit ton of trouble with executive dysfunction lately.
Last weekend I was pretty much just sobbing the whole time I tried to work.

This weekend has been better. I've been able to do little things.
But because it's not as bad as last week, I don't feel like I can just not work through it. But at the same time I've been trying to live by a rule where if something makes me start crying I stop doing that thing.

But I'm not gonna be able to get my work done if I keep going at this rate.

I'm just so sick and tired of being depressed and burnt out all at once.

 

Okay now I have no excuse. I know I can do stuff, I just don't WANT to because it's late and I'm tired. I'm so tired.

And I technically have an extension, but stuff is running together and I'm behind and I'm freaking out. And I'd like to just not do an assignment, but I really want to get a 4.0 this semester so I can have something /close/ to a 3.0 altogether...
It's not going to happen though... But I COULD get As in these classes. I know I could. But I'm fucking depressed and it's ruining my life. And I know that's kind of the definition of disorder but it's fucking frustrating and I want to hit something. Preferably my depression and make it go away.

 

*fistbump* Yeah, same to you. Thanks.

 

I'm making a Bad Decision. Except not really?
I'm going to bed before doing an assignment that is due tomorrow. Because it is midnight, I have to get up at 7:30 and I am tired. I also just don't want to do the assignment.

Technically I should have an hour and half to do it before the class period. So maybe that'll work out. If not I got the extension until "Thursday" notice how that doesn't have a time attached. I'll probably just apologize a lot when I send it and hope the dude is nice. I'm pretty sure he's nice actually. I just. Don't want to take advantage of that too much? I also don't want to disappoint him.

Bluh. But. Sleep is more important than grades. This is my philosophy that I am only sometimes good at sticking to.
[meant to post this last night]

 

I am at the bargaining stage with this assignment.
It's only 3.75% of my grade. Maybe I'll just drop it. xP
That is probably bad idea, I'm gonna try to work on it now. But if I can't, that's at least a comfort? I don't think I'll get it done before 1:30 (it's 12:30 now). So if he doesn't accept it late then it'll be okay. I should at least try though.

 

I'm a vibrating ball of anxiety right now because I have work I know I need to do but I can't figure out what I should be doing first and so I'm just mentally spinning in circles. Maybe a list will help?

• think up ideas for photography project (15/30-40 ideas done)
• take pictures for photography project (needs to be done by like thursday?)
• edit pictures for photography project (project is due 3/1; very limited lab hours in which i can edit things)
• huge coding project and testing it (due 3/3)
• various readings (every tuesday/thursday)
• catch up readings? (readings i didn't do when they were due)
• figure out sentences and questions for thesis (due 2/25)
• do random research in order to figure out questions...

I think that's it? A lot of it is just trying to come up with ideas, but I'm not very good at it and I'm just having a lot of trouble.

Edit: I also need to do laundry and maybe cook? I can probably get away with not cooking. but bluh

 

*hugs* thanks

I think I am out of rubberducking spoons. Which sucks because I need to, but I'm not in a place where I can accept ideas, I think.

My mom's like "nope no more work tonight" and I'm like *flails*
Maybe I'll just do readings for next week.

 

I fell asleep yesterday instead of doing anything.
I did my reading for tomorrow while at work, but couldn't bring myself to start the one for Thursday.
I went to the career center and got some advice for things, looked up some things. But it was honestly just a distraction because job hunting is no my priority right now.
Went to kgb and kgdinner, came home, actually ate food.

Now... I don't know what to do because I'm stuck on thesis stuff and I don't know how anyone can help. That's "due" Thursday. A friend already turned in part of a draft for their thesis and i just feel so behind and what happens if i can't finish it? what do i do? I need to graduate in May. I need to be done. my only coping response to stress these days is to run away from it, but i can't run away from this and I don't know what to do.

I fucking forgot my camera today so I couldn't even take pictures like I need to. And I'll try to check it right back out tomorrow, but I have limited free time tues/thurs so i'll probably have to wait until wed but this is DUE soon and I'll still have to edit everything and nothing is going to come out the way I want it to.

I should probably start on programming. I probably should have done it over the weekend when I felt cabable of it, but now I just want to curl into a ball and sleep or watch tv or even write (i love how i can only write when i'm depressed isn't that great). just anything but what i need to do.

speaking of which, i started a load of laundry because that needed done. why can i do some things but not others?

 

I'm gonna see if I can do some set up work for programming. Like just make files for each class and make stubs for all the methods on my object model. maybe that'll kick start something? at the very least, something will get Acomplished and I'll feel marginally less shitty.

(I need my self worth to not be tied to my ability to do homework, but I don't know how to fix that other than just identifying it when it happens)

 

I've taken two anxiety pills today already and I just wanna go home and go to sleep but I can't, I need to get work done.

I've had a song stuck in my head.
I am strong, beautiful, I am good enough.
And I just... I don't feel it. I don't feel like it's true and I don't know what to do with that realization, it just makes me cry more to admit it. I feel more in line with the first verse where it's questioning all those things. But the part I have stuck in my head is the affirming part, so that's interesting.

I just. I don't know what to do with my feelings. I want to DO something. I want to make it stop. I want to go home. I want to be done. I'd usually say I'm tired, but I think I'm actually well rested today, but I still wanna sleep 5ever

 

Also I spaced out of the first 20 minutes of lecture and I have no idea what's going on. Great

 

I eventually figured out what was going on in lecture.

I took pictures of two people, in a bunch of different poses. I think that's going to have to be good enough because I don't think I'll be able to get some of the other situations I wanted. I have another friend who is willing to sit, and I think I'll do different poses with her. And then just hope that's enough =/

I'm feeling a bit better and I wanna give myself a break, but I don't know what to do.

 

I ended up reading through my writing last night. I'm trying to rehaul a story I've been working on since 8th grade. It needs much rehauling lol. So I was going through and seeing what I could keep from the last iteration. The answer is almost nothing, but I think that's okay. It was... interesting to read all of that emotion. This story is/was mostly vent fic so there's just a ton of emotion in there. So yeah.

Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if maybe my meds just up and stopped working or something? The residual depressed/anxious feeling is staying around longer than it usually does after a meltdown? I feel like it's worse somehow these last few weeks. I called my doctor again to see if she'll call me back and let me raise the dose. It gave me nightmares before, but at this point it might be worth it. Plus, sometimes I can lucid dream and get out nightmares.

I just want to not feel shitty all the time.

 

I couldn't get out of bed this morning. That's like the first time it's happened to me? I wasn't tired, I just. Could not make the movements to get out of bed and go to class. I emailed my professor saying as much (and saying it's because of depression) I can't read his tone so I can't tell if he's mad at me. Not that that matters? But it's something I get hung up on.

It's so bad. I have anxiety radiating off me. I feel it crawling down my limbs, and constricting my heart and my chest feels empty and tight at the same time and I hate this. I'm going to go to health services and see if maybe I can get a consulting thing with the psych here? Because mine won't return my calls (it's been a MONTH and I called again on Monday and still nothing).

I don't care what I have to do I just want to not feel like this.
I'm somehow magically getting some of my work done. I don't know how. I'm just glad nothing is actually due this week.
I don't know what I'm going to do about this photography assignment. I guess just BS it? I'm just worried about not finishing in time. If you turn something in, he'll let you do a do over at any point throughout the semester, but I think you have to turn it in COMPLETED and Idk how I'm going to do that....

 

I am now feeling mostly better. I went and Did Something about the psych stuff. Health Services will tell me if they can help me tomorrow, or Saturday at the latest.
I should probably be doing work right now but I cannot be arsed so oh well. At least I'm not anxiety-ing about it.

I just really hope that I get work done this weekend because I do no want to experience the anxiety of not getting it done =/