slightly uncomfortable religion realization: Spoiler: suicide cw there are a lot of Christian songs that are longing for Heaven, which yeah sure seems fine. But i know i identified with those songs a lot during my deepest, darkest depression phases and.... welp. it's a kind of suicide idealization, kinda?? like i never really wanted to die, per se. but like" hey if i could just skip straight to Heaven, that'd be cool" is definitely a thought i've head more than once it's also a "want to get out of this situation into something better" kind of idealization, so maybe not entirely bad but idk
well that's fun. just started sobbing out of almost no where.... show i was watching had someone grieving which does always kinda get me... but geez
i need kyo to take care of me, but he's feeling really shitty right now and probably can't and his problems are bigger than mine ... and i realized i'm still scared to talk to my moirail.... sigh
and as suddenly as that came on, it's gone. please don't let this be my new normal. i can't handle this
Spoiler: Catastrophizing Why is it that I always love people more than they love me? Why am I not enough? Why can't he just choose me?
Vent from discord - I'm freaking out and can't seem to figure out how to mitigate it Friend - ? Nothing in particular I'm a really bad place and And the only way to fix it is by doing things that I haven't been able to do for a year anyway So how am I going to do it now? But that's all anyone gives for advice and even my mom Everyone's like "you gotta push though" "you have to fight" "you have to make this a priority" and I fucking Have And it doesn't work The only thing I can manage to do is going to work and sometimes not even that I just want being sick to not be my fault And I want help doing things I can't do But to get that help I have to do more things I can't do And I'm tired I'm so tired I really can't keep going like this but I don't know what else to do
On the list of things I can't manage to do properly - feed myself I had a short microwave cheeseburger in the morning, and then French fries almost 3 hours after I should've had lunch Ugh why. I LIKE food
Planning all the things I need to do this weekend. Left: list of things, no order, with priority markers + difficulty Right: time blocked out by half hour for weekend (first column), blocked by day for week (account column) Right page to be shredded by hand Sunday night, after blocking next week with more detail :P (Probably huge. Plz ignore details :P ETA: I mean you're welcome to look, but why. shrug xD) I probably won't get to everything, but I'ma try. Now give me that sweet sweet validation
Okay, I didn't completely stick to the timeline, but I also wasn't too far off! Everything for tonight crossed off!! (One of the bills I had to pay, I found was actually paid for once they accepted my second insurance :3 ) I may try to ride out the momentum to do a few more things that aren't on the list. But I also deserve a break, so we'll see.
Well I cried / panicked in the first group I was in today, so that's a great start. We were doing mindfulness things and by the end I was just freaking out, sooooo. Nevermind that
I'm tired. I'm tired tired tired. Don't wanna sleep I graduated from group today. But I really don't think anything has changed. I had a month off work and got to skip the busiest time of year??? disability hasn't come in for that yet, because I fucked up and didn't get in paperwork. I'm tired. I'm not better. I don't want go back to work and be like "yeah nothing to show for it" I made a post on facebook, and everyone was really really kind during graduation. I don't regret going. I feel like I did more for the other people in the program than the program did for me though. It's not what I thought it was. It's not what I wanted. No one explains anything. But I'm never in crisis because I'm not going to hurt myself. I'll just cry and feel bad about myself until I get sick of doing that and try to sleep or distract myself. I'm scared. I'm scared of social things and people and navigating my friends after everything. I feel really alone right now, but I don't think like any amount of talking to anyone is gonna help that? It's a quarter past midnight and most of my friends are on daywalker schedules and thus probably asleep. There's so much to do before I leave Sunday night. I'm tired and I'm scared and I don't know what to do.
One of the activities we did was a game where one person left the room, everyone else choose a person to be "it" and then the detective came back into the room and asked everyone a question of the form "if the person was a ____ what kind of ____ would they be?" It was really cool and I got to hear people say nice things about me. I am apparently neon orange. There was another activity where everyone had a paper with their name on it, and we went around the room writing nice things on everyone else's papers. That was really nice too. Part of me thinks "ah yes, good, i do put on the persona of that kind of person correctly. excellent." and I mean, that's just a caring, loving person. Which, I know I am, like naturally. But I always feel like I'm wearing a mask because I have to cover my hurt. If people see my hurt they... might want to help? and inconvenience themselves? or be upset when it doesn't help??? i don't know. I can't bother anyone?? And then some people saw beneath that. someone said that i'm "secretly brilliant" which was really nice, because I kinda know i am on paper, but like. When you spend 5 years around a bunch of other people who are also brilliant, especially things that you are not good at, it makes it hard to believe that you actually are. ..... A lot of people said I'm strong? How do they know that? I'm always told that and I don't feel strong. I feel barely held together and like i'm just scraping by....
And people are going to tell me "good job" "I'm proud of you" "Good for you for taking care of yourself" But I didn't actually accomplish anything??? I barely even made it to the program half the time! I have never missed so many days to something as I have this past month. I can barely fucking feed myself! I'm not taking care of myself. I don't know what there is to be proud of. I'm not even like, making it through life right now. I just, I don't know.
Had ice cream. Also cried while typing all that. Feel a bit better. Gonna sleep on the couch because I can add for some reason it's comforting
