Re does the personal thing [venting]

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Re Allyssa, Feb 7, 2016.

  1. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    I don't know what to do when Kyo does this thing
    where he's upset about something, but he doesn't say anything until it's way too late to fix the thing
    and then i feel like he's mad at me, but i didn't know that i was supposed to be doing something else
    and i freak out which frustrates him

    and I just don't know how to meet him half way with this
    i can't act on information that i don't have. i need him to say something
    the only other option i can see is trying to constantly check in
    but i feel like that's annoying

    and then i'm back to square one where he's annoyed/frustrated/mad at me
    or not at me, at a situation that i could've fixed

    and now i'm upset because i feel like i did something Wrong. he's already said that it's just him and it's not me
    but that's not enough reassurance somehow
    and i want to ask for more, but that's just going to make things worse because he's prone to self-hate spirals and he starts in on that if i act any semblance of hurt

    and i can recognize that i'm doing the thing where i try to control all the variables or i try to take everything on me so it's all my responsibility to keep someone from being upset
    i can SEE the abuse trauma in all of that but i don't know how else to feel better

    so i guess i'm whining into the void and hoping someone can come along and help me fix it because i just Can't
  2. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    because i Have to Fix everything, right? that's my Job, it's what i'm Supposed to do

    i have to Fix it

    I have to Make it Better and Make it so that there's no Anger or Upset anywhere

    I can see it!! i can recognize how shitty that is and that it's not true. but like, okay now what??? it still FEELS true.

    how can i stop it from feeling true so that i can unlearn it and not think it and not let it hurt me?

    that's what i don't fucking get about CBT.

    It says you have to change the thought to change the feeling but that's not the order those things happen in!!!!

    I feel it first and then the thoughts come in to justify it. so sure, i can change my thoughts around, do positive self talk and change the semantics to be better and all that shit but that doesn't do anything to change the feelings that made me think those things!!! those feelings are the problem, not the stupid word choice
  3. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    went and read other things which calmed me down and now i can think like a human again.

    if anyone has words for that, i still need advice, though not as urgently as panic-mode me thought. if i need to reword, i can
  4. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    Had another... fight? it's not really a fight, idk what to call it.

    I freaked out, got worked up in facebook drama and freaked out more, but he couldn't do anything about it... like I needed reassurances I think? but at the same time they wouldn't help?

    and then I had a really bad dream and i stayed home from work today. we talked a bit, not sure how much progress was made, but we talked.

    i'm still really raw and the dream is still bothering me, so i guess i have to write it up.

    I don't remember all of it anymore, but definitely parts...
    basically i woke up in dream to... these messages describing these terrible things that i had done to kyo. i don't remember the specifics, but terrible. except i hadn't done any of it.

    so i tried to message him and he was very cold like not only did i do these things, but it had burned away any and all good feelings he'd had for me.

    and like, there were legal consequences too? like i didn't get arrested, but there was still something happening.

    literally everyone hated me, even my family. no one would believe me when i said i didn't do these things. he had proof? chat logs or pictures, or something. they were fake because i didn't do it, but they looked real and everyone believed him

    i kept IMing him for some reason? and he'd describe another thing i'd done and i'd break down in hysterics and tears and screaming because i didn't do it. but he was so cold. i don't remember what he said anymore, but it was something that carries the same weight/feeling of "well if you were going to feel this bad about it, maybe you should've thought about that before you did it." or "i don't know what else you want from me" and just

    it hurt it hurt so much. i could feel it ripping through my heart and i still didn't do it. i didn't do it but no one would believe me

    and i think there was more, but i can't remember. the last thing i remember was at some point he like, half acknowledged that i didn't actually do the things, and then he kept adding to it, taking things i'd said earlier in the dream and twisting them and i asked him why he was doing it

    and it sounded just like his voice

    he did that stereotypical evil chuckle and said "because it's fun" (or something equivalent)

    i don't think i woke up then, but i woke up at some point.

    i know i woke up a few times where i was still dreaming, and i dreamed i woke up and messaged him freaking out, but it was "real" and he was still like "wtf is wrong with you. stop talking to me" and i freaked out more because i was so disoriented.

    i also wake up a lot in the middle of the night? so i woke up a few other times, but when that happens, i go back to the same dream, or a tangent of it

    so there was more, but sort of a layer removed.

    but his voice saying that has stayed in my head all day and i can't get it out. i tried a couple of things, and it might work for a little bit but it just came back

    i want to tell him because i want him to save me from this but it's just going to make him feel bad and i don't think he'll know what to do anyway.

    i just want to stop hearing him say that
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2019
    • Witnessed x 2
  5. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    I'm supposed to ask for help when I need it

    But I don't actually know how to do that

    I don't know how someone could help. I don't know what to do and there's not an easy fix to the situation

    it just is and sucks

    and i'm hurt and tired and feeling alone while surrounded by people

    and i'm starting to spiral because i was thinking about how to say good things about a friend, and all i just kept coming back to how i'm not a good friend and blah blah other self hate stuff

    and i just

    i don't want to feel like this and i don't want.... this i don't want this

    i can probably go distract myself

    okay i stopped typing there and asked a friend to come over

    i told moirail that i'm not okay. she's sick so i don't want to ask her for anything

    but i said something

    and i took anxiety med

    and trying to keep breathing under control
    • Witnessed x 2
  6. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    I never update this thread when I'm doing better xP Y'all can assume no news is good news
    so last night kyo and i were talking and he joked that he didn't have enough room in his room to play with his VR headset. so i was like "you have plenty of room here~~" mostly as a joke, but then we started talking about it a bit, and he said something like "i'm not really sure if i want to live in the two places you're thinking about" and i said "then why did you promise that you would?" and he got quiet and didn't really say anything else, because that's what he does.

    he's says he's not good at putting things into words when he's overwhelmed like that, but a;sdfja;dlsfja i need words at those times and i don't know how to mitigate the competing access needs there.

    anyway, have this
    (spoiler txt - things that need to be said but there's never a good time)
    why did you promise to do something you can't actually do? like, this isn't a question of "will you move in with me or not" the question is "how long are you going to make me wait for you to make good on your promises?"
    Like, what this is teaching me is that I shouldn't expect you to follow through. and that I should be worried that what happened all those years ago at Christmas could in fact happen again, because it's happening now.
    That's where I'm at. That's what I'm hurting like. And you promised this wouldn't happen, but it is happening.
    I only accepted back in October because you said it would definitely happen after the holidays were over and also, what am I going to do? say no and break up? that's not on the table, so it's not like I have a choice here.
    But you saw how october hurt me - i was a sobbing mess for at least 2 days straight. i was so, so scared
    I knew if I said yes, it wasn't going to happen anyway
    I know a cross country move is asking a lot but... I think I deserve it given... everything that's happened between us. i deserve to get something

    I know you don't know How To Adult yet, but that's fine, I didn't either, but I'm actually doing really well, so it'll be fine. I can teach you. And we both have good safety nets in place. Most people can't say that.
    Your family already gave their blessing so stop thinking about what they're going to say. They already approve.
    No one else matters. at all. they don't get to have opinions or say on this. hell, joe had already moved in with my mom by now, and they didn't know each other for their whole lives (or the relevant parts anyway)

    You keep saying your too weak and shit, and I just don't believe it. this isn't a matter of can, it's a matter of will. I know you can do it, but at this point i don't know if you will and that hurts.
    • Witnessed x 2
  7. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    Wow sure is fucked up that I feel like I have to be punished because I got a little stern and actually expressed my feelings

    (other party did not cause this feeling)
    • Witnessed x 3
  8. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    So you ever like listen to a song you haven't heard for a while, and it's a song that you used to listen to on repeat when you felt like shit

    and now in the present you listen to it and you just have to take some time to grieve for the person that you were? not like, because you lost this person, though that's something i've had to do too. but more like the weight of all their pain just hits you like a truck

    how did i function, ever? i feel like i can't do anything right now and yet, i was feeling all that back then and like, keeping up with life also? how??

    sometimes it hurts me to realize how much i was hurting

    and a small part of me is angry that no one saw it, but how could they when i spent so much time hiding it?

    and it's not like anyone could have fixed it anyway

    anyway this post brought to you by me deciding to watch Pixel Perfect even though I knew it was a bad idea going in. (Disney Channel orig movie), and more specifically, When The Rain Falls
    • Witnessed x 2
    • Agree x 1
  9. Verily

    Verily surprised Xue Yang peddler

    Yes. It's not always songs, but it can be. Sometimes I get an incredibly vivid little flash of a moment from the past.

    One of the most illuminating ones I've ever had was a flash of the best day of my entire life, high school era. It didn't make the memory any less charmed, and I'll always be so grateful that I had that day. But what really struck me was that I felt terrible. I was also ecstatically happy, and warm, and felt like I belonged, but my baseline mood was complete abject misery. The flash happened a number of years later, and I wasn't doing so hot as I recall. But the contrast between how incomparably better I felt on a bad day at that point compared to how I'd felt on the best fucking day of my life years earlier shocked the hell out of me. And it gave me vindication I suppose, and even a bit of extra hope.

    One thing about treating chronic conditions, at least as far as I've experienced, is that many changes are subtle, or so gradual that the difference is hard to really appreciate even if it's dramatic. I'm also pretty bad at introspecting about how I'm doing, which probably doesn't help. Having that side-by-side comparison gave me an idea of exactly how much better I was doing. Even my absolute worst day would almost certainly be better than what used to be my very best day. And who knows how much better things have continued to get since then. I definitely don't know, but I sincerely believe it's probably astounding.

    Of course I wish I hadn't ever suffered like that. But even when I did, when I felt that damn bad all the time, I could have magical days. I've seen so far down into the pit, and I never want to go back there again. But if I do, I'll know it's not just pain. There are things that are wonderful and sustaining and worthwhile, even down there.
    • Agree x 2
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