I'm tired and I wanna go to sleep and I wanna go home and I wanna be done I'm crying in office hours and my brain is just blank. I have no idea what I am doing. I have no idea how much help I'm allowed to ask for. And I feel like I'm being a big baby. I don't want to do things and so suddenly I can't.
I didn't get enough work done last week and now I'm starting to feel it I think, because I can't shake this anxiety. And it's just the impending doom that I can feel ready to drop and I don't know what to do to fix it.
In the middle of my panic attack, I came up with the best idea. Why don't I just not do anything for the rest of the semester. I can probably still pass, and that's all I need. xP That is a bad idea but Idk. It's tempting. I have As in all my classes now so if I just skip out on the last assignments, I should still get Cs. I'd still have to do the finals, but those are more spread out and not due all at the same time. I feel like I should probably reach out to my teachers before doing something this drastic though. But I don't know what they can do for me. Extensions are not going to help, it'll just delay the problem. And possibly make it worse because then everything would be due at the same time as all the finals....
maybe you could just tell your teachers what's going on and that you don't know what to do and can't think of anything that would help? maybe they'll come up with something else that might help. plus, sometimes just letting people know what you're going through can relieve a bit of pressure, and you're under an overwhelming amount of pressure. i can't give any advice on your the-best-idea, since i didn't go to college and have no idea how your grades dropping would affect you. but like ... you've been working really hard, and if you need to take a break that's understandable. anyway, good luck.
Thanks. I'm probably going to do all my work. Just when I'm upset and panicking I try to think of all the ways I can get out of whatever seems to be setting the panic off. This is not always advisable. xP But yeah, I should talk to my teachers.
I talked to the disabilities person about wanting to just not do my work. His advice was 1) incompletes, 2) extensions, 3) talking to my professors. So, heh. I need to talk to my professors, welp. I emailed programming professor saying I wasn't turning in part of the assignment and if he had any advice for me. I was hoping I could wait for his reply before sending another message that amounts to "I don't think I can actually do this assignment at all. Will I still get a C if I get a zero on it?" But it's been two days and he hasn't replied so I feel like I probably should just send the next message. I took some pictures today. I think I should probably take more, but the sky wasn't cooperating. I have 20 pictures and I just have to pick 7 of them (or 5 if I print one of them really big). I'd like to get up to 30, that will give me a lot of options to choose from. I'm still really confused on the assignment itself though. Because it's an artist emulation thing, but he was like "you don't have to copy them exactly" and now I'm just ??? then what am I supposed to do? In a little bit, there's a paper description on it and I'll try to look at that again. Otherwise I guess I'll ask again on Tuesday. I finished reading and highlighting the chapter for the reading journal due on Thursday. Now I just gotta do the summary and discussion. I think I'm taking a break though (even though i've been taking breaks all day) because I feel like I'm about to cry. I feel stupid and useless because it's been a really relaxing day and I feel like I haven't gotten enough stuff done. I have so much work to do and I just alkdsjfa I don't want to do it. I don't know if I can or not, but I know I don't want to. I just want to sleep. Sleep all day for the next three weeks. But I can't do that and there's no way out and I'm sure everyone is tired of me looking for one and whining about it but I'm tired too and I don't want to do anything anymore. When I think about it properly, it's do able. Everything is do able. But I just. I just can't. I don't want to. I alternate from everything is terrible to everything is fine and I just it's too much.
I'm not anxious. I'm just tired. And I don't have to will to do anything that I need to do. I talked to my professor, and this programming homework is only 5% of my overall grade so it should only bring me down to a B- at the most! Now the hard decision is whether I should attempt it at all. The answer is I /should/ because there will probably be questions about it on the exam, and if I don't understand what's going on (I don't), I won't do as well on the exam, and then my grade could go down more. Theoretically I should still get a C no matter what though? That's usually how these things go. You need something ridiculous to get an A, something slightly doable to get a B, and literally anything above 10% gets you a C. At least in my experience. I need to finish this freaking reading journal but it's literally putting me to sleep. I tried to take a nap, but after getting up and moving from point A to point B, I wasn't tired anymore. But when I get back to work I'm gonna be falling asleep again xP If I don't do programming, I should work more on thesis this week than I was planning... I'm almost done. 3 more weeks. May 10th is freedom.
Sudden anxiety yay I finished the reading journal. I have to finish printing pictures tonight (hopefully I can, everyone else is trying to do it too and I don't know that I'll get a turn...). Then it's just thesis stuff until Monday, by which I'll be done, hopefully. I keep flipping between "this will be Fine" and "Everything Is Terrible Forever." Right now I'm in a recitation and I don't wanna do the thing. xP
I did the thing. I also did a few other things I didn't want to do. There's just so much do not want and I can barely complain about it because it's like. "well yeah it's finals week." And yes, I know. School involves doing things I don't want to do. But I don't CARE. I just don't care. I just have to get through my thesis. It's so big and scary and I don't know if I can do it. I don't want to try. I'm going to because of course I am but I don't WANT to. I'm so tired of running on broken legs. It doesn't matter that I'm just a few feet from the finish line. I'm still angry that I've had to do this at all. I'm still angry that I'm not doing as well as I know I could be. I don't know what I'm feeling I just don't want to try anymore. I'm going to. But everyone will fucking know that I don't want to.
I just took a break to eat. Now it is time to go back to work and I am crying. Why this. Why do I have to be such --- okay so I apparently have some issues I need to work through because I keep thinking that my crying is not valid. But Really don't feel like it is. I feel like I'm just whining to get out of working and I can't do that, I can't afford it. Okay. A) can't do work while having a panic attack / on the edge of it. => B) Step 1) Take anxiety pill. Step 2) take a break? I just took a break though and it's 10:30 and I'll need to go to bed soon. *actually looks at thesis things* Okay. I am stuck on do I try to do more tests or do I start writing? I am in favor of start writing (read: outlining). The tests proposed are a) a lot of work, and b) kind of conjecture at this point? I want to do more tests, but I don't think I have the statistical background necessary to do them. My thesis advisor talks about "eyeballing it" but I'm not really comfortable with doing that. I guess I should just say so. Bluh
Okay. okay. Thesis is due Monday. Yesterday was a break day and that's okay because I needed it. I am done with all the tests (finally!!!!!) and i filled in most of the outline. Now I just gotta flesh it out and use more words. I also have to do the introduction. The introduction is like a literary review which I really really don't want to do. So I'm kind of putting it off. My friends are talking about stuff that is distracting, but if I go to my room I will be Sad and anxious and get about the same amount of work done. I want to take the rest of the night off, but that is a Bad Idea. So what I need to do is flesh out what I can on my outline. Bluhhhh. Getting started is hard, so taking a break might be a bad idea. But at the same time, this is a kind of break so I'll still have to overcome that inertia to get started again... Yeah. Small break and then flesh out stuff. Yeah. I can do this.
(from facebook) i fucked up guys i just realized that i was working with the wrong data for the last two weeks i was all set to write everything up but i was double checking some demographic info and i realized i grabbed the wrong thing when i started the pilot data was from mturk and the other data i was supposed to use was from the people i shared it with on facebook and kintsugi you know i've been praying for a way out of doing this thesis, but i had just come to terms with doing it. and i'm still ready to do it. it's just if i don't get it done today/tomorrow then i don't know how i'm going to fit the rest of my work in okay so he's just going to give me more time so i have to rerun the data it means i have less time to do my other project next week which basically means i have less fun time which just means i really have to buckle down. which is really hard for me lately, but theoretically i can do it
okay that post isn't enough to accurately describe what i'm feeling. so from skype and then continued [12:13:18 AM] Re: so. i fucked up my thesis. it was supposed to be due tomorrow. i was supposed to be free. But instead of using the real data from the fourm, the past two weeks i have been using the data from the pilot I did. which means i have to redo all the tests and everything. and i'm just so tired and angry and upset. i don't want to do this anymore i just want to lay down and cry and cry. but if i do then everything that i've gotten through this semester will have been for nothing. [12:13:41 AM] Re: and i am sitting here. wasting time by being angry and upset when i should just suck it up and do the thing so it'll be over faster [12:14:21 AM] Re: and i need to email my professor and ask "what's the least amount i can do in your class to pass" and it sUCKS because i like these professors i want to do well, i want to do the work I just want to be allowed to have this tantrum, okay? that's two weeks of work down the drain and there's nothing i can do about it other than just fucking sodder on and i am sick and tired of just sucking it up i fucking could have had A's for the first time at this fucking hell hole of a school and it was going to be something i could be proud of and now it's not. now i have to do the bare minimum to survive and it's not fucking fair. and i'm being a brat but i can't help it. i get to be ungrateful and spoiled and any of those other bad things my brain is telling me once in a while, okay?
I emailed my academic advisor to ask about incompletes. I'm going to meet up with him tomorrow to talk about it. This is my thought processes right now: I could take an incomplete in my thesis, and then stop working on that and start working on the term project in my other class like I had planned. Maybe I'll do the whole thing, maybe I'll only do 2/3rds of it. (I would need to find out if 2/3rds is enough to get me a C.) Then I walk at graduation, go home, and slowly work on my thesis over the summer. Ideally I'd want to finish it by the end of the month, but knowing I have more time might make it easier to work on in small chunks. I like this idea mostly because it's a way out of doing my thesis right now. It might make the summer hell for me, but it'll make me feel better right now. And right now feels more important at the moment. If there's a way to not finish and still pass with a C for my thesis, I'd do that, but I have a feeling my prof is going to want at least a full draft, so I might as well just go the incomplete route and give him a B level draft.
Okay. I met with my academic advisor and emailed my thesis advisor and everything is set up. I'm taking an Incomplete for my thesis. I do not get to worry about that til at least May 11th, maybe later. Probably later. Parents come in on the 13th, but I can do the data crunching between the 11th and then without too much spoon drain. Probably. May 10th is the deadline for my Second Language Fluency term project. Part 1: 5 page essay "discussing how my concept of fluency has changed throughout the semester" Which. It hasn't really and so that paper is gonna be kinda hard to write. I'll probably just go through all the papers we've read and write a few sentences about each and hope it passes muster. Part 2: 5 page essay synthesis paper one aspect of fluency, using 10 outside sources. which ew because looking for outside sources is one of the hardest things for me I hate it so much. also so many sources Part 3: < 3 page paper on a research thing that i design and test on two people, change a few things, then test again. I'm tempted to just not do part 2, and accept a mediocre grade in the class, but I just got an incomplete IN ORDER to give this more attention so I should probably do the thing. Bluh. But I am tired so not tonight.
Okay part 1 is getting even harder than I thought. I seem to have little to no ability to focus. I'm trying to push through it because I don't know how much is actual inability and how much is me not wanting to do the thing. Fact of the matter is that I need to email this professor and just ask what I have to do to get a C. If I can just do a sloppy job on part 3, plus a not-long-enough part 1 and still pass with a C, then that's a good idea. Because the only one who cares about my grades is me. Though I still have 5 days to do this. I feel like I should get some more effort in before trying to call it quits? I'm not currently panicking. I'm just kinda in a fuzzy state
I'm tired and sad, and probably anxious and I should probably take a prn. But I kind of want to be able to be sad? Not that the prn takes that away... I was just struck with a feeling of 'not allowed' and that just makes me wanna be upset to spite it? Except the only person that hurts is me, so good job me that'll show them.
