I'm anxious. I've got 24 hours to finish this thing and I am having a lot of trouble getting started working today. (I have parts done already) I don't think I'm going to get all 5 pages for part 1. I don't know if I can get away with not doing part 2 because my professor was super unclear. I looked up a few sources, but now I have to actually read them. And also figure out what I'm even supposed to be saying?? It's a lot to do and technically I could probably do it. But I don't wanna. And God, that feels so... not allowed? Though, I don't think I've ever not done an assignment just because I didn't want to. It might be okay to do it once? Maybe I can turn in an outline and be like "this is as far as I got." And then if I get farther than the outline I can turn that in, but an outline might be a good goal to aim for...
Okay I did it I turned in just an outline for the thing. And also completed versions of the other things. It is done, I am washing my hands of it!!
Update: I got Bs in my classes, which I'm as happy as I'll be with. If I had done all of the assignment I probably could have got As and that kind of grates, but then I remember that I was pretty incapable of doing work, so I'll take it. x) Then the hectic weekend of graduation and move out and I'm still kind of recovering from that. All I have left is that damn thesis and I'll start working on it again tomorrow. I"m kind of frustrated at the state of the house now that I'm back but I'll deal with it later because right now I'm okay and I don't want to feel bad when I don't have to.
I am so tired. And I can't sleep. And I feel stupid and broken but I don't want to feel like that. I hate this
I'm not actively in a panic attack anymore. So I should have been able to get stuff done today. But I didn't. So now I feel bad. I hate that my self worth is tied to how much work I get done. I still need to get that fucking thesis done. It shouldn't be too hard but I just can't. Or won't, I don't know. I took a shower. So there are some points for myself. I slept til 6pm today. I went to bed around 3am? Around 2pm I stayed up for an hour while my parents got ready for work but then I went back to sleep. That is a lot of sleep time it's ridiculous. Then I watched tv. Then I read kintsugi. I only watched like three episodes of tv i don't know where all the time went. I took a shower at some point. Now I'm just reading random ITA threads even though they're upsetting me. I should have written up a paragraph or two today. There wasn't much, it's not that hard I just didn't. Idk..... Maybe I can get my mom to help me figure some things out so I feel less like I'm drowning? I already have an outline though, I don't know what else I could do short of writing the thing. I still feel overwhelmed like I don't know where stuff goes though. I should ask my advisor but he's said he'll be busy until like the 12th. I should still email him though. But I don't really have specific questions?? I don't know
Fwiw I've been sleeping a fuckton since getting home, too. My mom thinks it's cuz I'm unwinding from school. So prolly just roll with it for a little while, I guess. On the self worth being tied to doing shit front, here's a thing that my therapist told me: you don't need to do things to be worthwhile, after all we're called human beings not human doings. I thought this was super nifty but honestly it didn't make much difference on my actual emotional processing, bc of course it didn't lmao, and I figure you'll have the same reaction, but in case it helps. /shrug I also do the reading random ita threads and upsetting myself thing. Maybe ask for a temp ban from the subforum if you keep doing it? *hugshugshugs* Also if you want to rubberduck thesis things at me I'm around, just let me know.
;alsdkjfa;sldkjf I don't know what I'm doing and i want to just quit for the night but I haven't gotten enough done and aahhhhh I just want to be done for good why is this so much work. I'm filling in tables for my results and stuff and it's so tedious. usually i like this kind of stuff, like it shouldn't be a hard part. but i'm so scared i'm doing it wrong and my prof isn't really available for comment until like next monday, which is a week before it's due. i wanted to have this done before i went on my trip to see my online friends but i don't think that's going to happen and i'm jsut really anxious right now so everythign seems like it's a disaster.
So there was a storm a few nights ago and our backyard fence got knocked down. This is a problem because we have 3 dogs and we're not used to walking them. We have a doggy door so they can come and go as they please. They're all house trained this way, but when they can't get to the doggy door I don't think they know what to do. Since I'm home alone all day ery day it's kind of my job to take them out. I have to take them out one at a time and it's a huge pain to try to get them to settle down enough to put the leash on, much less get out the door with only the one dog that is supposed to go out the door. But the house now smells like pee and poop because I didn't get to one of them in time and I guess someone had an accident before I got up this morning? It's all just really stressing me out and I want to go hide in my room. Also I'm leaving on a trip friday morning so I don't know what my family is gonna do about them then. i'll be back on sunday, and everyone has weekends off so friday should be the only problem but ugh. i also don't want to have to deal with this next week when i really have to buckle down and finish my thesis. ughhhhhhhhhhh
aw, dude that sucks :( *hugs* i've found that cleaning up the poo/pee and opening windows for a bit tends to get rid of the smell pretty well without too much fuss, fwiw
I want to be magically done with my thesis. I'm out of things I know how to do. I've asked for help, but I don't know if I was being clear enough or not. I'm just sitting here and flailing because I don't know what to write about. I have all of this data, now so what? I know I'm supposed to answer that myself, but I just don't know how any of this works. It's due on Monday, but I won't have a lot of time to work this weekend, so it's essentially due Friday and ugh. I wish I could turn in something half done and still pass.
Update for the people following this thread: I finished my thesis on Saturday. It was due on Monday. My advisor hasn't got a chance to get back to me about it, but I've been having a really great time having guilt-free relaxation time. I gotta start looking for a job soon, but I'm allowed to give myself a bit of a break so I'ma do that. This thread is probably going to be updated a lot less because I'll have less panic attack triggers (trigger in the sense of this causes the panic attack, not... well shit I guess it is a regular trigger? whatever). At least I hope so. Thanks for listening to me so far x)
congratulations on finishing your thesis! i hope you continue to have a good time resting from all your hard work.
Ah, anxiety my old friend. And by friend I mean not that. It's just lowkey stuff right now. Not even enough to take a prn, really. I just feel like I Should Be Doing Things, but have little will to do anything. Even the things I enjoy doing! I keep moving around trying to find something to occupy me and it's just... Bluh. I could spend the rest of the night playing solitaire and watching NCIS, but meanbrain is telling me that that's a waste. Somehow. I *should* do the thing my mom asked me to do and vacuum behind the couch but ughhhh I can't even think about it. I did offload the dishwasher though, so I feel a little better about Pulling My Weight or whatever. I also did some job apps today!! Which surely counts for something! (Though part of the reason I'm doing job apps is because I'm not really enjoying my current job for some reason even though it seems right up my alley. So instead I'm going to try retail at book and/or craft stores??? brain, how does this make any sense) Idk I'm feeling weird, so I figured I'd talk to the void about it.
*rolls around* I'm antsy and restless. I want to do something but nothing is like... fulfilling? Nothing sounds fun. It's like being hungry but nothing seems like it would taste good. I don't know what I want. Ugh.
Okay so I stop rambling at my group chat-- I'm still in love with my ex. like 7 (shit it's been that long.....) years later. I mean it doesn't help that we talk everyday. I finally got to meet him back in June. And idk if there was a physical spark or not, i was trying to push that kind of stuff down so i could ignore it, but i was still really comfortable around him, or i would have been if i let my self? i was too worried about overstepping some boundary and now i kind of realize that i shouldn't have too much because we role play being cuddly or whatever so it should've been fine and i missed out on that meatspace cuddling. ANYWAY we were talking about meeting up again and stuff and then it moved on to him saying i'm "comforting" to him and i'm like, yeah me too... but like i want to know if there's any chance it feels anything for me? because if he says there's not, maybe i could move on. but if he says there IS... i don't know what to do. when we were dating he hurt me pretty bad.... but like i've long since forgiven him? and he's made up for most of it. like last i talked to my mom about it, she thought it was a bad idea. but that was a while ago? he's grown up since back then, and immaturity was part of the problem. but i don't think that's as much of a problem anymore? maybe i should just talk to my mom about it. she doesn't talk to him as much as she used to, so she might not know how much he's changed, but she knows me... i know part of this is loneliness and just wanting a significant other again. so i can't tell if i love him, or i love what we had. but if we could have that again... what's wrong with that? bluh. feelings are hard why this.
Okay now that the initial feelings have passed and it's not dark ‘o thirty, this would probably be a bad idea. He's long distance, I'm not sure he's actually that into me, and I don't want to mess up what we already have. I'm just gonna continue to let it lie and not rock the boat. I'll find love again eventually, I don't need to make it where it isn't.
