Re does the personal thing [venting]

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Re Allyssa, Feb 7, 2016.

  1. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    I need to do a life update soon but first:

    It's kinda funny that despite how much I love empathy powers in a fictional sense and joke that I am an empath, my empathy does kind of just turn off sometimes. Like maybe everyone is sad about an event and I feel nothing. Or maybe I'm being really cold and analytical about someone's feelings. Or maybe I'm being really manipulative for someone.

    Like the last two, usually it's for a good reason? Like I get the sense that cold analytical will help the person more than fluffy feelings will, or it's the social manipulation to get a parent to actually listen to your points.

    Idk. I'm not upset by it or anything, I just find it amusing/interesting
     
  2. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    so awkward thing: exdad has 3 kids. i've never met any of them, of course, bc no contact. but i just saw my updated insurance card (because exdad is ridic) and his new (old?) wife isn't on there anymore, and neither is the oldest of the kids

    and i'm like...
    i really want to meet my half siblings?
    maybe swap horror stories when they get older, idk.

    so i'm thinking if the oldest and the mom are gone, maybe i could get in contact if it wouldn't involve /him/
    and then, i'm wondering what happened to get them removed from the insurance as he hasn't removed me and i've been no contact for 5 years xP
     
  3. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    life update: am moving to Boston soon because my moirail is transferring to a college there. i got myself a job and everything! i'm super excited

    a little worried bc we need to be moving in by 9/1, but we haven't picked a place yet
     
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  4. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    It's Sunday night so I feel like shit.

    My friend who is going through a hard time asked to talk earlier today and I had to push it off because I'm hanging out with a friend. He asked if we could talk tonight and I said maybe (he was feeling okay then)

    Now he messages saying his mood crashed and I said yeah me too.
    Then, to preempt the phone call he was about to make, I said sorry, I wasn't up for mouth noises, but I could do text. And his response is fucking "Figures."

    Like fuck you? I almost always take your calls, (even though I don't want to because I hate talking in the phone to anyone who isn't my mother) and I've been trying to be helpful and supportive because I know you don't really have above else right now even though you're listening to your depression brain when it tells you everything is bad forever and won't listen when I try to tell you otherwise.

    Like thanks I already feel like a shit person because of my own depression brain. I didn't need that too
     
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  5. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    Oops I lied, he asked me something again and I didn't answer 100% truthfully. He didn't try to take it back right away though.

    He asked me if.. actually, lemme just c/p:

    Him: Can I ask a question?
    Me: Sure
    Him: Sorry if it's weird, but could you ever like me again?
    Me: Oh uh. I don't know how to answer that
    Him: Sorry lol it's ok don't worry about it
    Me: I mean. I just don't really know? Why are you asking?
    Him: I was just trying to see. I don't quite understand much anymore and I don't feel like I have any right to say it, but I think I like you? I don't get this stuff and it's confusing. I was just trying to get a feel? I can't word it much. I'm just confused. I probably shouldn't have brought it up
    Me: It's just. Complicated
    Him: I get that. Again I shouldn't have brought it up. Sorry
    Me: You don't have to apologize
    Me: I'm not mad
    Him: I didn't want to make it awkward
    Me: Nah, we've survived worse
    Him: Fair
    Him: I just ... kinda had to atleast say something. Else I'd probably regret it also

    Then my friends spent like an hour telling me how awesome I am and how I deserve better than his bullshit and they're not wrong...
    Like, even a month ago, I would I have jumped at that chance. But like... Being with him is really just a bad idea. I miss what we had, but like he's not good for me.
    Like. My mom half-jokingly half-seriously told me to tell him that he should move to Boston (where I am going to be living soon) and then I would think about whether I could like him again. The joke and test here is that he would probably never do that because when I require him to put in any effort into actually being in the same physical place as me, he fails. (Like we did meet up last year. But I think that only happened because our mutual friend was also there. If it was just me and him... he probably wouldn't have done it.)
    And damn, that is telling.
    (Also another problem: look at how much of that conversation is me having to like, reassure him. Despite me being the one (more likely to be*) hurt by the conversation. That... is typical as well, welp.)

    *He is the one who broke up with me/broke my heart, if that wasn't clear :P

    Though I think it speaks volumes at how far I've come that that conversation wasn't really emotion laden, it was just a thing that happened.
     
  6. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    In other news, I had my last day* at my job and my supervisor bought me a little light up ducky**, two bottles of pepsi, and a card. Everyone on my team signed the card. And like, wrote good messages too? Some of them were just like HAGS type stuff, but most of them were really touching.
    Like I've been at this job for all of 3 months. I knew my supervisor liked me, because I am good at my job and I work hard and am a good sport and such. I knew one of the people on my team really likes me as a friend. But like, everyone else? I didn't really expect them to care. I know they know who I am, because during training I talk a lot because classroom settings and it's what I do, but still. I made an impression? Like that's weird for me, Idk.
    Like I had people coming to hug me good bye and stuff at the end of their shifts.
    It's feel good making and something I'm going to try to remember next time my brain lies to me.

    *Well, my last day is saturday, but most of my team isn't working and I won't be there tomorrow, so.
    **We get little rubber duckies when we get 100% on a quality call, which I still haven't managed, but she got me one anyway (And said I had the highest quality score in my card, so.)
     
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  7. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    I'm dumb because I can't stop fucking loving this dude

    20170927_032319.png 20170927_032355.png 20170927_032430.png 20170927_032508.png

    It's just. My loved ones hate him (there are many jokes about who is in what position in line to punch him) presumably because he hurt me.
    But that was years ago? I mean I guess it hurts every time we plan something and he bails. I've kinda stopped expecting that it will actually happen.
    Everyone tells me he's bad for me or not worth it or doesn't deserve me/I deserve better.

    But like? None of them even know him. The only one who does is my mom and she stopped talking to him regularly when he broke up with me (8? years ago).

    And likes the only reason I can think for the he's not worth it things is that he never follows through. But like. I also haven't really.... Idk, forced him to in recent years? Like what if I told him I do love him, but he has to move out here to be with me or it's off. There's... A chance he might do it? the logistics of it would be pretty hard tbh, so that might not be doable even if he wants to... My point is he's grown and what if he actually did follow through this time?

    Eh but what if he doesn't, that would hurt too

    Sigh
     
    • Witnessed x 2
  8. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    At the advice of my moirail and one of my other best friends, I decided to use my Big Girl words and try this Communication thing.

    It went/is going Not Terrible.

    I don't think anything's changed per se, but Communication happened, and maybe will continue happening and that's really a plus.

    I tend to do a thing where I have the whole conversation in my head and then decide it's not worth having with the person... I should not do that thing.
     
  9. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    Also to those of you of follow my thread and rate the posts: thanks. i don't mind shouting into the void, but it's nice to know that it hears me, even if it doesn't talk back <3
     
  10. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    so it turns out he never said anything about possibly having romantic feelings again because he didn't think there was a chance i would take him back and he didn't want to make things awkward. i never said anything because i didn't think there was a chance he even liked me and i didn't want to make things awkward.

    lesson? USE YOUR FUCKING WORDS

    (we are going to attempt "dating" which doesn't really change anything in the way we interact, but means, i think, more effort on in person meets and then date type things then. step 1 is him getting a job, so we'll see)
     
  11. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    Cross posting
     
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  12. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    Bluh finding minor triggers you didn't know were there, and in fact didn't think you had.

    My first boyfriend, in retrospect, was a boundary pushing asshole. The following has a trigger warning for that.

    He wanted more physical things out of a relationship than I was ready for. I was excited to maybe hold hands sometimes and pecks on the lips.

    There was a lot of stuff he did.

    One time, we were in the car and he put his hand on my knee. Okay, fine. He slowly inched it up my leg. When I noticed, I picked his hand up and moved it back down. He did it like three more times until I turned to him like "[name]!" then he fell over himself apologizing and stopped.

    Another time, the triggering thing, he wanted to cuddle. I was like, okay sure, we'll lay on the couch and watch tv with the rest of the family. He was like, no can we go to the room and be alone? I was like uhhh,,,, My mom told me I should because good girlfriends make concessions sometimes*. So I was like, okay fine.

    We went to the bedroom and laid on top of the bed. And just. Stared into each other's eyes. I don't like eye contact on a good day. I'm ADHD. And I didn't want to be there.

    There was a foot between us. He inched closer. I inched back. He inched closer. I inched back. He inched closer. I fell off the bed. He laughed. We recentered in the bed. After a while I left.

    This was not a big deal. It was something that I joked about. "Haha look how bad we were for each other. We wanted such different things."

    Recently, I was told how shitty this was, because I didn't realize.

    My current boyfriend and I have been signing Helpless at each other. He is coming to visit for the first time since we started dating. He made a comment about getting lost in my eyes and I low key freaked out.

    Bluh. Witnessing please. If you have more words than that, that would be nice too.

    Edit: forgot the asterisk. *My mom is usually better than this, and when I bring it up, she's appalled she ever said that. She was in the really bad phase of the abuse cycle at the time, so I don't really blame her.
    Editx2: autocorrect is the bane of my existence
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2017
    • Witnessed x 9
  13. Verily

    Verily surprised Xue Yang peddler

    Holy shit, that bed thing. You know the game 7 minutes in heaven? That sounds like the opposite. A small eternity of minutes in hell.

    I feel like I end up in situations a lot where someone wants more connection or intimacy than I do. Usually but not always a guy. I shut down and back away. They keep pushing forward and I keep moving back until it's literally impossible for that to happen any more than it already has. It's like they're just gonna keep going until they get a reaction from me.

    If they eventually do, it's probably not going to be a reaction they wanted. And then they'll probably be shocked and upset. And then, because I know how to make words about boundaries now, I'll probably be able to explain my complaint. And because of increased awareness of things like the soft no, they'll probably get what I'm saying pretty fast. Then they'll realize that they maybe did something they shouldn't have and be horrified. (Because it didn't look that bad while it was happening. Even if it was hell it didn't seem that bad until suddenly perspective. Was it really that bad? Fuck if I know!) I'll probably feel like I ought to be reassuring them. I'm still working on this last part.

    Toxic gender roles, an interactive adventure.

    I don't know if these are helpful words. Words about this topic are pretty hard. If you'd like me to remove them or spoil them please tell me. (Or you know, if you have the power to do that yourself and it's easier that way for you, that's cool too.)
     
    • Witnessed x 3
  14. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    No, these are good words, thanks.

    It was just. The same thing over and over again. He'd refuse to acknowledge my very clear non-verbal cues (like even if one is bad at reading those, I feel like related physical moving of one's hand or moving away are pretty clear?), and then when I verbally called him out, he'd freak out and apology spiral like this was the first and only time I'd told him to stop.

    And the apology spirals made me want to do the non-verbal boundaries more because they were more gentle, but I didn't realize he was using that as an excuse to ignore them
     
    • Witnessed x 7
  15. Acey

    Acey i’ll sleep the whole damn day

    Christ, what a creep. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. :(

    Witnessed, and hugs and distractions are available if needed. I'm not very good at advice re: things like this, but I can at least offer that.
     
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  16. Verily

    Verily surprised Xue Yang peddler

    I really like this article (probably unsurprising content warning for in-depth discussions of some very creepy behavior): http://www.doctornerdlove.com/socially-awkward-isnt-an-excuse/

    It's about the difference between guys who aren't that good at reading social cues and make genuine mistakes and guys who use awkwardness as an excuse to violate women's boundaries. It's aimed at an awkward male audience as a how-to sort of thing (or how-to-not in this case) but I find it pretty validating.

    Yes, I think moving his hand like you did is extremely clear. It's possible he genuinely didn't get it I guess? But it seems a hell of a lot more likely he just didn't want to have to hear what you were telling him. Since, when you outright told him, he got upset but did not change his behavior. Which seems like someone who was more upset about being told not to hurt you than having hurt you.
     
    • Agree x 3
    • Like x 1
  17. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    Yeah, thanks.

    And the thing is I definitively know all that. I just... never applied it to myself. Welp

    Thanks everyone for the witnessing and words. I feel a lot better today, I just had to let myself feel bad for a bit
     
    • Like x 1
  18. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    In other news: BOYFRIEND WILL BE HERE ON TUESDAY AHHHHHH X3
     
    • Winner x 4
  19. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    Hi yes, wow I should post here more.

    I'd been pretty stable since I last posted except for the small (read huge) matter of my roommates fighting. That was... ugh a mess I'm not going to go into.

    I kinda had to strong arm boyfriend into coming to meet my family for new years. But he did the thing and it was a very good time and all was great.

    roommate problems continued to be problems and I needed to escape and so i went to visit him and met his family, so now maybe they'll know i'm a real person.

    that was a month ago and i am dying because i need to see him again, but he feels bad because i'm the one paying for all these (THREE) trips. and i just don't care because it's worth it to me.

    but he's also too depressed to job hunt. but he won't let me help him with that either.

    i'm just sad and frustrated

    oh and i got a birth control implant and i think it's not helping my emotional state.

    i'll find some chat logs to c/p later
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  20. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    never c/p'd those chat logs.

    boyfriend and i figured some shit out. he has job, i got to visit the weekend before last, all is good on that front.

    my mental health is still in the toilet and i just... don't know what to do with it? like I Can't Hold All These Emotions, but like seriously. I just don't really know what to do with them. I've been fighting off a self loathing depression/anxiety attack for like... weeks, probably. I saw a psychiatrist, but she wants to give things time to settle (about a month ago, i got the dose on my anti-dep upped). but like. i don't understand.

    i was doing so well. i thought this med was working. suddenly i'm back to where i was before.
    AND i'm still gaining weight and shit and the doc was like "[my anti-dep] tends to make people lose weight...." and i'm like WELP

    the metformin that i've been on for 5 years is supposed to help me lose weight too but nothing helps

    i'm really sick of doctor types telling me 1) it's my fault that i'm sick or 2) i'm not really all that sick

    this is really jumbled and i'm gonna stop because that spiral i've been fighting is threatening to start

    but i'm just so stressed and upset and i don't know what to DO with it all.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
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