I play a lot of Splatoon. Like a lot a lot. I average 8 hours of gameplay a day. But the highest rank I ever achieved was an A+ (for less than 12 hours before I lost it). I am now a B+ again, so I have to climb the ladder all over again. This probably sounds so juvenile and contrite, but when you stack other failures and defeats ontop of what was supposed to be my self-care hobby of unwinding, I feel utterly miserable and like a failure. + My application to grad school wasn't accepted or denied, but I was told they couldn't "make a decision" at this current moment so it's on hold for another month... + I keep losing money at poker. I used to be so good at it, but recently I've been on a losing streak. I've lost $200 so far and counting over the last 4 months. (My limit to gambling is to keep it to once a month and at $50). + I keep losing in chess mostly online + I keep losing in Splatoon (thus the drop in my rank). On top of feeling like a failure, it's that time of month where my hormones get all out of whack and I still don't know how to deal with it. I have a homework assignment from my therapist that's due tomorrow and I can't bring myself to do it. I'm supposed to make a timeline of my life including all the bad and good things that happened to me. I didn't get very far. I can't organize my thoughts like that. I don't know how to make a timeline. I don't even know what I'm typing about anymore. I just want to cry and have someone pet my hair and tell me everything is going to be okay and that I'm worth living because I am. I know people would be devastated if I killed myself so it's not really an option because I don't want to inflict that kind of pain on anyone, but damnit if sometimes it doesn't seem like a good option at the time instead of trying to deal with all this pain and anguish myself. I know I should just be grateful of my life and situation and be content, but I don't know. This depression thing just doesn't seem to go away when I try to will it away. It's almost like maybe the pharmaceutical companies were right -- I need to take these pills to get better, but I'm scared that the pills are hurting me. I'm scared they're messing with my head and making me worse instead of better but the doctors say I need to take them so I take them and my friends say I need to take them but like, a little part of me is suspicious and I'm told that when I start to feel this way I'm getting sick again and I'm so worried I'm getting sick again. I'm so worried I'm getting paranoid again. I'm so worried I'll be hospitalized again. I work as a peer support specialist in mental health and sometimes I look at my clients and see how well they are doing and I look at my own life and my own apartment and I feel like an utter disaster. how am I keeping it all together? I'm a fraud. A fake. Where was I going with this... I don't know. It just feels good to type all this out. I'll just end it here.
Stop comparing yourself to other people. You'll always lose that game. Look instead at how you have improved or what you've accomplished compared against your past self. -You earned that A+ in Splatoon. Losing it 12 hours later doesn't negate the fact you had it in the first place. You're generally at a B+? Awesome! What were you averaging before you practiced everyday? -You applied to grad school. Those applications are stressful, must've taken a lot out of you. Congratulations on completing it. -You're on a losing streak at poker and chess? Yeah that definitely sucks. But you learned to play those games in the first place. Not everyone has the math skills for poker or the logic/strategy for chess. Those are skills you built up and can be proud of. -If you've become a peer specialist, you must've done something right. They don't just hand that job out to anyone. What did you do to earn it? As for your medications, talk to your psychiatrist if they aren't working for you. You may have to make them sit down and listen since psychiatrists are notorious for the 15-minute med check then you're out the door, see you in 3 months. Talk to your therapist about alternative homework styles that work better for your brain. Call your local crisis center or the National Suicide Hotline at 1 (800) 273-8255 if you're having thoughts of harming yourself.
Thanks. I really do need to stop comparing myself to other people. I forget that sometimes. Thank you for the reminder. Yeah, my therapist says they need to change my meds because I was so out of it today in therapy. I was practically falling asleep on her.
update: Still thinking about ending it all, even though I know I have a bright future ahead of me. I either go to Boston for graduate school or I go to Australia for graduate school. Both are very appealing to me. So why this insistent desire to die? I have no idea. Today I took a bath and I wondered how one would drown themselves in the bath tub. I plunged my head in the water wondering if I ever would emerge. This was a test to myself. Did I really want to die or live? Well, I don't know how long I was holding my breath but I eventually came up for air and was actually disappointed in my choice? But why? I have a future to look forward to. Why am I so bent to destroy everything? I finally got a one-bedroom apartment. I'm going to be potentially working two jobs, whereas thousands of people are jobless and struggling to make ends meet. I could list a whole slew of things to be grateful for. My childhood wasn't even that bad. So why am I so effed up in the head? They say those diagnosed with schizophrenia are more likely to commit suicide within the first 5 years of diagnosis due to knowing the prognosis of the disease. That certainly plays a role in my decision for sure. I can list so many reasons why I want to die, but I won't here because I don't want to trigger anyone or upset anyone or influence someone to end their life. As much as I hate living, I don't want others to suffer. And so I keep taking steps forward, at least I hope it's forward. For their sake and for mine as well. And that is in itself a breakthrough -- wanting to live for ME instead of others. I really do want to see the day I board that one-way ticket plane to Australia and this time know it's for good. Yet..... ....yet.... I'm still planning. Still scheming. Wondering how fast it would take a police officer to come to my apartment, because even though I don't really have a relationship with my landlord, I don't want her to be the one to find me. I don't think my friends would notice my absence for weeks to come. I'm really good at just not communicating with people when I get like this. I think I don't like to talk to people when I get like this because I don't wanna drag people down, or worry them. So posting here or on Seebs's blog is really my last resort when I get like this. I don't want to be a bother. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Well first of all, that's bullshit. Let's just put that out on the table where we can see it. You happen to have a really unfortunate combination of genetic brain weird and a very heavy history of abuse throughout your life both as a child and an adult. You don't need "reasons" for your brain to be messed up, but if you're looking to find a source for some of it you've got that right there. Schizophrenia is genetic, PTSD is not. You are very stressed out right now, and that exacerbates pretty much everything. You're also doing an amazing job of building your life in spite of everything. Small things like getting good at video games and card games are indeed things you've done. You've ALSO built yourself up from homeless in a foreign country with an abusive partner and about to be deported to being a fuckin' university graduate! You've gone from frankly terrifying and nearly constant episodes of psychosis to being able to both recognize and address your mental state responsibly. Even the fear that you might have to go back to the hospital; years ago you wouldn't have even considered that an option and would have just continued on getting worse! Accepting that going to the hospital might be a thing is a major improvement. All of that's not even to mention that you're recovering from major C-PTSD and addiction AND a pretty major flirtation with disordered eating, AND gender dysphoria. Like, dude. That's A LOT. Please try not to set yourself impossible goals of just "being better" because that totally dismisses the frankly astounding amount of progress you've made. Also, RE: suicidal impulses/thoughts. Tori has known you since you were a kid so I know you've been suicidal basically your entire life. Even without everything else going on, at it's most basic level that is a hard habit for the brain to break. Forgive yourself.
I don't feel as though the trauma I've gone through warrants the kind of fucked up obsession of suicide I've been suffering with over the past couple of decades.... damn... it's literally been over two decades of feeling suicidal. At this points I wonder if I'll ever actually do it. And that's what scares me most. Everytime I allow myself to entertain the thoughts, it feels more lethal and certain than the last time. And maybe it's good that I'm scared. Means I want to live, right? That's another thing that's weird, is that schizophrenia doesn't run in the family... I don't think? Yeah, this is true. But I can be so dismissive of my accomplishments. My last hospitalization a nurse asked me how would I acknowledge my accomplishments. I never found the answer. This makes me want to cry and I don't know why. But thank you... thank you for a lot of things that this post fails to mention or bring up because you've been a great source of support over the years. I wish I could. My current therapist is working really hard with me and I don't want to let her down or anyone else. But this depression that I've found myself in this past month has got to be one of the worst episodes of my life. Yet I'm still getting out of bed. I'm still forcing myself to function somehow. But I haven't thought about seriously committing suicide as I have lately. And what's worse is that I know I've been pulling away from people more and more. I got rid of facebook for "mental health" reasons, but really I don't want there to be some online memorial bullshit for people. I don't want my fake friends grieving over me publicly for sympathy. I don't want people to scroll through my old photos and cry when I'm gone. I want it to hurt less than it has to. And basically I've found out that my furniture can stay in the apartment. The landlord will use it to furnish new apartments. I feel trapped. And I know if I stick things out, things will change. I'll get into graduate school. I'll eventually get back to Australia. But right now? All I feel is pain and worry. I'm worried about the world and environment. I'm worried about the government. I'm worried about the pills I take. I worry about the water. I worry about being single forever. I worry about so much more. Maybe my old transphobic therapist was right: I'm not psychotic, it's just extreme anxiety.
what the fucking fuck ... okay, I am tentatively willing to believe that a "therapist" might talk to you for a while, and conclude that you're not psychotic. If it were, say, a massage therapist. I am really having a hard time imagining that anyone with a psych degree could talk to you for long and then say you don't have psychosis of some sort.
update: I'm firing my therapist tomorrow and the next scheduled appointment I have with someone isn't until the end of April. I think my psychotic symptoms are coming back but I don't know, I don't see my psychiatrist until mid April. I'm all off on my own for the rest of this month. Cuz you know, I can't use my psych testing for therapy so that appointment doesn't count. Had a rough day at work. Kind of just wondering if I'll eventually just "decompensate" during this month of no support by professionals and end up back in the hospital... really hoping that doesn't happen, but what do I do? I can't keep relying on my friends for help like I do. I feel guilty doing that all the time. But my friends, especially my online friends, are the only ones that stick around and aren't rude, or transphobic, or whatever. Ugh... what do I do... what do I do... I feel like I've been through so much, I don't want to end up back in the hospital and possibly lose my jobs because of it. Because I know that when I go into the hospital it isn't for a couple of days anymore. I don't recover as fast as last time. I fear the progression of my disorder because if I really do have schizophrenia, then it just get worse, even when treated properly... like there are cases of full recovery, but I doubt I'm one of those people. And maybe my doubt is what is killing me here. Fuck.
Witnessed. Is it possible to contact your psychiatrist's office to tell them that you think your psychotic symptoms are coming back? To me (admittedly not a psychiatrist) that seems like the sort of thing where a psych would find their soonest availability for you.
Except it's really hard for me to discern what's a delusion and what is reality when I get like this. I just saw a psychiatrist yesterday who was like "I won't mess with your meds" and I was like "but the government is trying to kill me with those pills and with their thought-machine dude" and he was just like "those seem like disturbing thoughts, but I shouldn't mess with your meds 'til you see your actual psychiatrist." I told this doctor all my symptoms and why I was suicidal at the end of last week and the doctor was just like "well are you safe now?" and I was like "I am unless the government tries to kill me again" and he was like "okay, well, I'll let you go on your way."
Ok, I can accept a psychiatrist wanting your regular psych to be the one to change your meds, since they would be the ones with the most knowledge of your medical and mental history, and also the one you'd be most likely to follow up with. But I would have expected it to come along with instructions to book an appointment with your regular psych asap. I don't know much about what's helpful for someone experiencing psychotic symptoms, and so I apologize in advance if I'm completely off the mark here. But seeing your regular psychiatrist about this is win/win: either your psychiatrist can confirm that you're experiencing delusions and can help you, or they can confirm that they're not delusions and reassure you. (I really feel like you're correct that these are delusions, though.)
I'll give them another call but I think all the doctors get booked out so far in advance. There's a shortage of psychiatrists in my city unfortunately.
Also, if these psychiatrists are at all smart they have some time blocked on their calendars for these kinds of appointments.
Do you have a crisis center where you live? There are places that offer respite and psychiatric care for free for those with emergency symptoms, such as suicidal thoughts and psychosis. Try this locator if you aren't sure: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/getinvolved/locator or call 1-800-273-8255. Or you could go to a local hospital and ask to voluntarily check into their psych ward.
update: Is it weird that getting an acceptance letter to Boston University has restored my hope and helped my depression lessen some? I'm not longer feeling suicidal. I think my psychosis is still lingering, but eh. I can manage it well enough until I see my doc? If things progress worse, I know my support group would let me know and I can figure something out to deal with it if it becomes critical. Thank you everyone for your support and advice. I greatly appreciate it!!!
update: I still feel like a failure. I made it all the way up to S rank in Splatoon, but now I am back to B+ and about to derank to B soon. My part-time jobs are kicking my ass. I know it's only temporary because I'm moving away soon, but I'm terrified that I'm not going to get this internship I interviewed for for school and that I didn't get the scholarships for school. I have no way of paying for school at all. I've been kind of thinking about suicide for the past week as a likely option to just avoid all the stress of moving and all the stress of grad school and all the stress of my current two jobs. I'm just stressed the fuck out and nothing seems to work. And the doctors won't give me anything for it so I have to go on the black market to get relief but I don't want to take it at all cuz I gotta save them for when I'm in Boston and I don't know how health insurance works in MA and I don't know who my doctor will be and I'm just fucking freaking out right now??? Also my cat died a year ago today and I dont' think I'm handling it well at all. At all. Nope nope nope
update: I made it to Boston-town... all the way across the country. I'm taking it easy, no work, no volunteering (just yet). But I can feel my depression constricting me slowly. Like I can see it happening and I don't know how to stop it, because I haven't established mental health care yet here. My intake isn't until September. I did get some handouts from Planned Parenthood that I'll check out maybe tomorrow. I'm mostly reaching out (as this thread is called aka help ecto not be so crazy lol) today because I'm having serious doubts about grad school (and classes haven't even started yet). I'm being plagued with the what-ifs, and I know my mind is catastrophizing. I don't know how to stop this trainwreck in my head from happening.
