Reaching out

Spoiler: where ectoBiologist talks about things triggering them

Whenever I read about climate change I immediately just have visions of a chaotic civilization where it's dog eat dog world out there and I'm literally killed to death by a blunt object over what little resources I managed to procure for myself. Instead of living in a world like that I'd rather just nope out and be done with it. Just kill myself. And I have plenty of other reasons why killing myself would be a good option, but everyone wants me a live, hell I even want me alive, but do I really want to be alive for the end-of-world times??

 

*many belated paps* I can definitely feel you on that topic. Civilization is kind of the best option for a lot of us. And some of the possibilities we can imagine facing are pretty scary.

For now I guess it's important to keep doing the things that are good for us and good for each other in the world we've got, since we can't know for sure what world we'll end up with later.

 

Resurrecting this thread because I've been having a bad run of things as of late. I was recently hospitalized.... AGAIN.. 5th time now. This hospitalization I didn't agree with, but I guess it was for the best so I could get back on track. I feel a little bit better, but I don't know, I feel like I would have felt better with time anyways in or outside the hospital. I had so much more to say when I wanted to resurrect this thread, but now that I'm actually typing things I'm just like blaaaahhhhhh. Sorry.. Just not feeling great. I have to break up with my therapist today and I'm super nervous about it.

 

Hugs, I'm glad you're feeling better and hope everything goes as smoothly as possible in your talk with your therapist. Take your time writing things, we'll all be here when you need us.

 

I'm super glad you're taking care of yourself and making the decisions you need to make even when it's not easy. You can have a li'l squad of mental health cheerleaders to help you stay pumped and confident for that breakup.

 

I spoke with an admin person from school and she suggested I drop some courses to ease my load. So I'll be dropping a course this semester and next semester and taking two courses over the summer. No rest for the wicked. My anxiety this morning is through the roof. Self-doubt about being able to finish school is seeping in and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm scared I made a huge mistake going to grad school :(

 

You don't have to think about it as a "huge mistake" simply because you're needing to adjust your expectations of performance. You're clearly doing something right here by talking to admins and making more realistic plans that accomodate your situation. And - since this kind of anxiety is not so easily dismissed - even if you do end up not being able to finish, that also won't mean you made a huge mistake. It will mean you took a chance, and tried your hardest, and pushed yourself to get a higher education and that's more than most do, and still something to be proud of.

 

I just wish higher education was more accessible. I don't know what that would look like. I've been working closely with disability services on campus to get accommodations but I'm still struggling with all the work that is due.

 

I'm back again with updates:

> went to Mexico. Survived
> came home, feels like I'm not-so-surviving

It's past 3:30am here and I can't sleep. I woke up from another nightmare. I'm having a rough go of things. I even took a bath to feel better. It helped a little. So I guess I'll just... dump what's on my mind.... only I CANT because I know that this forum is accessible to the best hackers of the country and I'm scared I'm being watched and followed very closely. As long as the government is onto me I can't really speak my mind freely on things that I'm discovering from the media. Fuck.

 

alternative to going to the ER when someone feels like killing themselves? Go!

 

• put it off for five minutes
• put it off for another five minutes
• do a chore so the ambulance won't find your living situation a mess. five more minutes
• sit down. have a think. this puts it off for another five minutes
• drink a lot of water all at once. bring your phone to the toilet. take a long piss. this will take at least fifteen minutes
• lay face down on your bed and burrito yourself in a blanket and do a scream. there's another five minutes
• make a list of why you are angry at other people for fucking up your life. this will take a long time and also help you remember that sometimes the way you feel actually is other peoples' fault for giving you c-ptsd
• congratulations; you have now stalled your suicide attempt for at least an hour
• when's the last time you had something to eat? make that
• how much sleep have you had recently? take a nap if you need to, or at least lay down
• i don't know if you have antianxiety prns but if you do, now is the time
• if you die now you'll never have the satisfaction of knowing for sure that the cheeto puff will never become the god-emperor of the world
• write a letter to a friend like you're a tour guide walking them around the best parts of the city where you live; include restaurants, sightseeing things, good memories you have of places in town, that one gutter that always fills up with rain way too fast and you have to avoid very carefully when it pours; for bonus points, describe how delicious the food is, and plan to treat yourself there next week. which you can't do if you're dead, silly

whoops that's all i got. honestly though. just postpone for five minutes at a time, even if that feels incredibly difficult and like the only thing you're capable of doing.

 

thanks :3333

 

I want to quit school. I want to quit school. I want to quit school. My internship is looming closer and closer and I don't think I can do it. I'm too paranoid. I'm too delusional. I'm too selfish and inside my head. I don't know how to talk about anything. So I'll write a story. MAYBE but I CANT. They'll find this and read this and know that I'm onto them being onto me and that's it. I'm screwed. I'm so screwed. I used to fish with my dad and that's all I want to do right now. Except I sucked at unhooking the fish and I throwing them back i nthe water I wasn't very kind to them. My clients... the same thing will happen. I'll roughly throw them back to the lake of life and they will have fared no better. Was being out of the water better for the fish? I don't know.... I DONT KNOW... What am I even? What are YOU. It's raining today and it's nice. I need to pick up my meds, but I'm too scared to leave the apartment. I need someone to come get me. I would just uber there from here but I'm scared of uber drivers too right now.

I should call in sick to my internship until the GODDAMN PILLS start working but the cats are fine. But the cats are fine. The cats are fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. My clients are not fine. Maybe they are. Maybe they are the cats. Shit. The cats watch me. They know. They always know. I need me meds. But can I see a client while on ativan? Can I see a client like this?

But they haven't seen their therapist (HOLY SHIT THATS ME) in over two weeks.

I've fucking lost the plot as my aussie friends would say.

 

therapy was cancelled. She's calling to check in on me tomorrow.

 

update: So on jan 3 when I posted that update about my therapist calling me, she sent me to the hospital. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks in Jan and then in a partial hospitalization program for several months. I have a new therapist now, same psychiatrist, and things are going splendid.

But this morning I woke up to a comment my mother made on my status update on facebook. She told me to stop "boohooing" when my political party doesn't win. Jokes on you bitch, I don't have a political party. I just DONT support fucking Trump. Is that so hard to wrap your mind around?!?!!? How can ANYONE realistically support this mother fucking nazi. He's a fucking nazi. I don't care what anyone says. I've been having stress/maybe premonition dreams (I believe I am a dream shaman) about Amerikkka collapsing and nazis taking over. I'm on the verge of a breakdown, I can feel it. Need support right now.

 

update: I'm back in school. I finished Fall semester. I'm like... a couple more assignments away from finishing Spring semester. I successfully got approved for Disability so I don't gotta work. But I earn less than 10k a year, which means I'm trapped in this shitty apartment until I finish my master's degree. But even if I somehow finish the degree in the next two years.... I don't know if I'll be able to hold down a full-time or even a part-time job in the traditional sense. What am I getting this degree for? I wanted to migrate to Australia, but I found out that the woman I was in love with is engaged to be married and I don't think she's gunna open the marriage up to be poly or whatever. And it's probably stupid, but I figured out that one of the main reasons I wanted to go back to Australia was ultimately for her. I didn't realize this until I saw the stupid fucking update on facebook that she was engaged.

I've cut back on facebook time. I only check it Sundays and Wednesdays. And I limit how much time I'm on it. Lately I'm checking it more because I'm trying to run a gofundme to get enough money to start streaming as a job. Also, I found out that a mentor of mine at my alma mater died like two or three days ago. So I'm grieving about that too.

When I figured out that I didnt' wanna move back to Australia anymore, I messaged my "partner" (we are long-distance and I put it in quotes because sometimes, a lot of the times actually, it feels like we aren't even dating) about how I wanted to stay in the U.S. and concentrate on putting more effort into our relationship and maybe work towards a future that has them in it instead of fantasizing about Australia which ultimately means that we would probably break up... and when I mentioned this, my partner FREAKED out and was like "don't plan your future around me" and like saying stuff like how they basically... they basically don't see a future with us in it??? Like why are we even long-distance dating then???

I feel so utterly hopeless tonight. I'm stuck living in an apartment I don't want to be in anymore. It's starting to feel more like a prison as the days go on. There's mice that I have to constantly catch or else I stay up all night listening to them chew stuff, the landlord won't do anything about the mice, he just provides inhumane traps sometimes. The router is shitty and it's not even in my unit. It's upstairs in unit 2. I bought a wifi extender, but it's shitty too. I can't stay connected and play the one game that gives me joy (splatoon 2). All my landlord has to do is text someone upstairs to RESET the fucking router, but he won't. Instead he shows up unannounced (the only time in the almost two years I've lived here that he's announced coming over was when he tested the fire alarms) and proclaims loudly, "I think the router is fine. I have full bar on my phone!" There's a fucking difference between a phone connecting to a router and my Switch for online gaming.... Just fucking unplug the router and plug it back in. Please. I go upstairs and knock on the door to do it myself since he won't text them, but no one ever answers the door!!!

My roommates are awful too. The ones who live to the left of me, the dude can't sing worth shit. And can't play piano worth shit either. His girlfriend tries to sing too and it isn't very good. And they sing/make music as late as like 1 or 2am sometimes. They are just generally very loud. Laugh loud. Talk loud. Loud loud loud. The other roommate, who's room is on the other side of me, he's okay. But then the other roomies in the room adjacent to the kitchen, they are awful too. They have no respect for the common areas. Always leaving clothes, books, shoes, items everywhere. Never do their dishes. Never clean up after themselves. I've lived alone before, I know what my messes look like in the bathroom. I clean up after myself. But they don't.

I live a twenty minute walk away from the nearest train station. The closest buses to me are NEVER on time and if I try to rely on them I am always late unless I leave super duper early, in which case, it actually saves time to just get my ass into gear and walk the twenty minutes to the train station.

I can't move out though. I'm on disability, remember? And I make so little a month, that in a city like Boston... I'm kind of... stuck here. Trapped.

I can't move in with my dad. He lives in Alabama and lives in an RV.

I can't move in with my grandmom on my mom's side, she lives with my mom. I can't live with mom because she's still married to my abuser step-dad.

I can't move in with my sister because she's newly married and I don't want her to ever have to deal with my mental illness and neediness.

I can't move in with my grandmom on my dad's side because she refuses to understand about me being trans or queer. Whenever I call her she deadnames me and misgenders me with the wrong pronouns. I pleaded with dad to talk to her about the trans stuff. He "tried" and told me that she was "too overwhelmed with her own problems to think about -my- problems." As if being trans is a "problem"???? Plus she chain smokes inside. It smells gross and I can't breathe there.

I can't move in with my brother. He's still married to his abusive wife. And plus, he and I and she and I are on no talking grounds.

My endgame was to move to Australia and everything would be solved with this master's degree and a visa and a one-way airplane ticket outta this fucked up country.

But here I am... literally a week away from finishing Spring semester and I'm wondering if I should just call a lyft to the nearest hospital because fuck ambulances. But also, going to the hospital would mean there's a part of me that wants to live, and to be quite honest, I think I've finally reached the ultimate breaking point tonight where I have decided that I. Do. NOT. WANT. LIVE

So, if you are reading this, please pray for me. I need something like supernatural healing or a miracle or some shit.

I'm so fucked.

I just.... I just want to go buy some vodka to mix with all this cranberry juice I have and take every single fucking pill I have and hope that with all those pills in me mixed with vodka, I won't wake up. Just fucking call it quits. I wanna cash out. I wanna fold. I want out. I want out out out out.

(don't worry, I'm going to go to bed sober, take my prescribed amount of pills, and hope beyond hope that tomorrow can just feel a little bit better).