reasons my brain is trying to kill me

(inspired by the reasons my kintsugijin is crying thread. this is not a personal vent thread, anyone can post here. because sometimes you just want to share the ridiculous stuff your brain is doing to you.)

to start with, here are some really good reasons for quitting this mortal coil and ascending to a higher plane of existence, courtesy of my brain:

-it's late at night and i'm not asleep
-there's a nice-looking person on my computer screen
-i like talking to people but it makes me tired and i'm going to have to talk to people occasionally for the rest of my life
-i want to practice piano but i also want to draw

 

-i have some small complicated tasks i need to accomplish
-i'm procrastinating on all of them
-i did something wrong and someone might have noticed
-i'm really tired
-i might not be able to do something i was planning on doing
-i might have to do something i wasn't planning on doing

my brain: you know what would solve all of these problems? being super dead!
me: thanks for your valuable input, my brain. can you stop now?

 

- I just realized, after two weeks, that I don't like the stuff I decided to study this year.

 

-i added too much cayenne to last night's curry

 

Any time I say/do/think/feel something I didn't want or mean to, my brain says to me "You know that if you were dead these things would not keep happening, right?" Or maybe I did mean to say/do something, but afterwards realize how ridiculous it is. But really, even if anyone noticed it's not like they'd care. And yet here comes my brain with "It doesn't matter whether they notice or care. You should die for that." Wow brain, that is definitely not a gross overreaction.

 

this is a slightly non relevant entry but:

me, yesterday, slightly low on sleep
my boss: brings in snacks to meetings for everyone
Yesterday's Snack: Goldfish. Almonds (I love almonds. also i think they improve memory but i forget)
my brain for the entire meeting: Hey did you know bitter almonds exist hey hey moss did you know that bitter almonds contain a shit ton of cyanide and if you eat more than four YOU DIE hey hey moss did you know that bitter almonds and regular almonds look almost identical hey you're probably dying right now because your boss poisoned you

me, softly, with feeling: the fuck, brain

 

Well, bitter almonds have that name for a reason. I've tasted them and they're nothing like normal almonds.

 

ok, weirdly enough, that helps me out a hell of a lot

apparently i was still thinking about that

 

Yes, while cyanide smells like almonds, it does not taste like that at all. So you´d know if you were eating the wrong sort of almond. or drinking something with cyanide instead of almond flavoring in, you´d taste it.

 

• a few people are probably too busy to answer my messages right now, therefore Everyone Hates Me and,

 

brain: hey what if that friend you slept with two years ago had hiv
brain: you could totally have hiv right now
brain: you could've passed it onto friends and not known
brain: you could be dying right now
brain: awesome, dying people don't have to do work

brain, what the everloving fuck

 

-i have to think about and plan and communicate about doing a thing i want to do with people i want to be around
-i'm procrastinating

i have like. 3 settings. soundbite setting (no emotional data, my brain just sends "i'm gonna kill myself" when i hit a problem) echo setting (soundbite plus a little taste of the actual despair/choking feeling that i associate with being actively suicidal) and the real deal setting (which i don't want to think about right now haha why am i writing this.)

anyway it's weird. i think the settings correspond to stress, with me being a little/medium-level stressed turning on the soundbites and more stress resulting in it getting more and more like the real deal. why is my brain like this. why can't i respond to stress by being like "boo hoo i am stressed and sad" instead of "welp that's it for me."

 

• I got a bad critique
• I got a worse critique than my peers whose work I think is terrible
• I got a worse critique than a peer who has not done any work at all in class and has skipped 3 weeks jn a row and also showed up to critique not knowing that it was critique
• I have an assignment due
• I paid a bill one day late

 

-i made a mistake in a social setting.

 

starting yesterday, my brain has set "i'm gonna kill myself" soundbite to play every time i have a negative emotion. thanks a lot brain. i'm not even actually suicidal (i think) i just have a number of problems i don't know how/want to deal with.

 

my brain does that sometimes. just, every time i think about bad things or face a problem brain goes 'lol i should just die', just in a completely neutral manner? It's not jokingly, it's not seriously, it's just. a thought i have sometimes (or a lot of the time, depending)

 

same brain!

i don't know why mine does that, but i think it only started after the last time i was really suicidal. can suicidal ideation be a habit? because i think maybe that's what is going on, like there's no feeling behind it but because there was a time period when my mental response to problems was seriously "i'm gonna kill myself" my brain now automatically generates that reponse to problems once i have enough background stress.

i've been trying aggressively shushing it when i feel it coming on but i don't know if that's helping.

 

ahhhhhhh this thread is also incredibly Relatable

today:

• because I've been blowing off a friend's FB messages because I don't feel like dealing with him
• because I didn't plan dinner
• because I didn't want to wear jeans??????

 

have been hella dysphoric for two days and my brain keeps going "ok but death"

ok but no dumbass

 

-i'm not completing projects in a timely manner

like i understand your frustration, brain, but if i am dead i will actually never get those projects done at all. so your suggestions are not really helpful.