Right to be upset vs time to stop being upset

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by ChelG, Jan 8, 2019.

  1. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    I only fairly recently concluded that several things that happened to me as a kid/teen were abusive, but at the same time they were all long enough ago that I really need to move on, but when I try to, I feel like I'm saying I never had the right to be upset and I was making a fuss over nothing. I've ended up wishing that worse things happened to me so I could have a "better" reason to be upset and an excuse to have a harder time moving on. Neither of these views is very healthy, but I'm not really sure how to find the appropriate balance. What's a good way to do that?
     
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  2. chthonicfatigue

    chthonicfatigue Chaotic neutral bastard

    If you've only recently released that the events were impactful and upsetting, then you have to give yourself some processing time to adjust to that. How much processing time you'll need will vary by person, event and brain chemistry; so don't bother comparing yourself to other people. You're an individual with individual needs. Playing Oppression Olympics never works out well

    Basically give yourself permission to be fucking upset for as long as you need. Vent like hell about it. Work through the process.

    It gets... not better, but easier.
     
    • Agree x 1
  3. Lebesgue Integreat

    Lebesgue Integreat Lesbian Intrigue

    An important note for clarification: what does "move on" mean to you? What does moving on look like?
     
    • Agree x 1
  4. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    I always knew they were upsetting and hurtful, it's just within the past year or so I officially applied the term "abuse" and considered that it wasn't just a personality clash or simple bullying depending on the incident, and other people would consider it really hurtful too. Part of the problem is the issue was a lot of small incidents rather than any big ones.
    I was sexually harassed on a relatively minor level on a daily basis for a fairly long time, and that feels to me like it "should" be less of a trauma than one big incident, hence why I upset people in the sexual abuse thread when I said I sometimes wish I'd been raped instead because that would be a one-and-done definite Yes This Was Bad thing. I didn't mean to imply that their non-rape abuse was lesser, just that I felt mine was.

    Family members also subjected me to some pretty awful-feeling emotional stuff at home, and I know they didn't MEAN to be hurtful, but it still did hurt. I never got insulted to my face but I got yelled at for reasons I didn't understand and which weren't properly explained, in a way which scared me. It's better since I moved out but I still get bitched at over stupid stuff - my grandmother went on at me until I was crying about how her life was sooooo much worse than mine when I mentioned I felt shitty about something and she whines on at me about how dare I make noises when I'm surprised.

    Being able to not ruminate on it. That's a thing I do all the time with everything. Being less depressed and feeling less worthless/gross in general, but I guess there are so many different factors contributing to that that even if I was never abused it'd still be there...

    I keep feeling "if only I got this one problem fixed my life would be great", but then find things don't work that way, so I sink back into the problem.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2019
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  5. Lebesgue Integreat

    Lebesgue Integreat Lesbian Intrigue

    I still ruminate on it. I'm in 5 years now having recognized things for what they were. You simply cannot expect it to go that quick. Therapy helps, getting out of that situation helps, but, and I'm really sorry to say this, it won't be fast. No wonder you feel like you're telling yourself you never had the right to be upset, you're essentially trying to force something which is freshly in your mind to decay and no longer matter. More than that, I don't know if you're still in that situation even tangentially, but if you are then that's even moreso. You are not physically capable of making what hurt you no longer matter and especially not on this fast of a time scale. Here's the other thing. People who do fucked up stuff like that just love telling the people they hurt to move on and it was so long ago that it basically doesn't even matter. This is bullshit and serves only as an attempt to make the person feel bad for feeling hurt. Don't do that for them. You deserve better than to do that to yourself. It sucks on a massive scale to be where you are right now, my best suggestion is don't make it worse for yourself. Let yourself feel because not doing so is infinitely worse. That all said, as you get out, as you build up your support system, as you are no longer being hurt or involved with the people who hurt you, it can lessen with time and support. Your overall goal is not unrealistic, you just need to give yourself time to achieve it, and you need a system of support of people who do not do these things.
     
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  6. chthonicfatigue

    chthonicfatigue Chaotic neutral bastard

    Agreed, and... Believe me, having a

    happen... Is not any less likely to make you feel like a fraud or that you should be Over It Immediately.
     
    • Agree x 1
  7. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    Yeah, rationally I know that, but I still keep getting the thought :( Adding to the problem is that I can't stand the fact that certain members of my family WILL NOT STOP complaining about stupid shit - I mention above that my grandmother whines at me for ten minutes straight if I dare to make a noise when I'm nearly knocked over by her stupid dog or strangled by the seatbelt when she screeches the car to a halt - and I feel bad complaining about stuff myself because I hate it so much when they do it.
     
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  8. Lebesgue Integreat

    Lebesgue Integreat Lesbian Intrigue

    Yeah that's about what I was expecting it to be like. I'm sorry that they are this way. That said, you can't very well get over something that isn't even finished happening. For now, the goal should be to survive and get out. Once you are no longer being hurt, then focus on healing.
     
  9. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    I'm no longer living with family members, and my mum doesn't yell at me anymore - I think we did have a personality clash partly causing it because now we're no longer sharing living space we get along a lot better. I can't cut off the family completely, and I don't want to anyway. Most of the time it's bearable. I can't cut my grandmother off but I really can't stand the way she does that, and I'm not sure how to respond when she does it.
     
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  10. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    I know the other stuff was but is what she's doing abusive? I know it's definitely unreasonable.
     
  11. Lebesgue Integreat

    Lebesgue Integreat Lesbian Intrigue

    Can you go into a little more detail?
     
  12. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    Two occasions; on one her dog caught my knees with its leash and nearly pulled me over, on the other she stopped the car abruptly and I nearly got strangled on the seatbelt. When I'm surprised, I yelp (not shrieking or anything, a literal split-second "ah!" noise), and she goes "Don't you make that noise!" at me in a horribly offended tone like I'd shit on her lawn or something.
     
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  13. lex

    lex + 0.2% luck

    at the very least it sounds like a neglectful response to danger

    for a possibly helpful contrast, when the car needs to be stopped suddenly my mom has always instinctively braced her arm in front of me, im assuming to do a better job than my seatbelt at keeping me from crashing into the windshield. im in my 20s and she still does this lol
     
    • Agree x 2
  14. Lebesgue Integreat

    Lebesgue Integreat Lesbian Intrigue

    So I've been thinking about this for like a half hour now. Analyzing the situation, we get that your grandmother is both refusing to acknowledge your feelings and punishing you (by her admonishing) for expressing them. Additionally, she is seeming to take that your (perfectly fucking natural) responses are specifically things which do her wrong (they are not, like seriously what the fuck). I do not honestly feel comfortable responding positively in either direction. What I can say is that if this is not abuse, then it is both adjacent to abuse and ...enabling is the best word I have right now but it's not the right word so enabling abuse.

    Edit: furthering the abuse that is already there is slightly better in terms of phrasing that I'm looking for.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2019
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  15. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    I was in the back of the car, so that wasn't possible (ETA: talking to @lex). Seatbelts have a tendency to cross my body right at the junction of my neck and shoulder, and sudden stops hurt. No one else has ever bitched at me for making noise when it happens.
     
  16. lex

    lex + 0.2% luck

    you're being too literal, i was explaining what a more normal, compassionate response might look like from a family member. doesn't have to be exactly what my mom does
     
  17. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    i cant say whether that was abusive, but it was certainly not reasonable of her to snap at you for an involuntary noise

    and its 100% understandable to have some....i cant think of the word, "baggage" may not be correct. To be affected by stuff, even if it wasnt a single big showstopping all-alarms-blaring Undeniably Terrible Event, is understandable
     
    • Agree x 2
  18. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    What's a good way to respond to her when she does that? I really want to be super catty but that'll just make things worse.
     
  19. Lebesgue Integreat

    Lebesgue Integreat Lesbian Intrigue

    Please be aware that I'm not ignoring this, I'm just not particularly good at anything between "aggressive and mean as fuck" and "say nothing wait for it to end, soon enough you won't ever have to see them again".
     
  20. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    Cutting her off isn't an option, she's 81 and unwell and needs help, and has already lost two branches of her direct family. Most of the time she's okay, and I think part of this behaviour is stress - as I said she's unwell and she has a fuckton of drama and trauma that never got dealt with in her past.
     
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