Roommate Advice Needed [finale!]

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Nbkid, Dec 29, 2016.

  1. Nbkid

    Nbkid Member

    Please tell me if this thread should be moved elsewhere. I'm sorry I'm just a bit desperate for advice. There will be no TL;DR because though a bit long, the details are a bit important. I do not have any chat logs to back up what I will be describing because said room mate refuses to talk over anywhere but the steam chat function and that does not back up previous conversations.

    TW: IRL Dubious Consent, Sexual Assault, Rape Threats

    I guess the best way to start this is to say a little about myself. I am an autistic nonbinary person who lives with their autistic trans boyfriend. I work two jobs, and that is how I met my to be roommate. She is a trans woman, and when I met her she was living at a homeless shelter.

    I began hanging out with her semi regularly outside of work because she seemed pretty cool and laid back, if a bit high strung at times. But a couple months after meeting her she calls me in a panic because shes getting kicked out of the shelter she has been staying in. She's not originally from the area we are in, and did not have anyone else really to call. I pick her up, and it turns out that the reason she got kicked out is because she had gotten molested at the place, and once her attacker moved out of the shelter she had spoken to the staff for support. This information was passed on to the manager of the building, and he kicked her out on the premise that she signed an agreement not to have sex in the building, despite the fact it was not consensual.

    She moves in, I make sure she has her own room and space and I try to stress that this is until she gets back on her feet. I tell her I refuse to kick her out, especially with winter coming on. It gets cold and snowy in Mass, and I'm not going to let her be in danger. She has to move jobs, and she transfers from the store I work at (which is in a different state than the one I live, my apartment is close to the border of New Hampshire,) to one closer by that she can rider her bike to.

    This is where things start getting weird.

    I'm a very affectionate person, and since we had already gotten to know each other, I told her I was pretty cool with casual snuggling. She told me that since she had been molested throughout her life that she gets turned on pretty easily from those situations and it makes her uncomfortable. I told her that, okay that's fine. No cuddling or anything unless she instigates it. I also tell her that I'm mostly asexual at the moment, I don't really have a sex drive due to something medical that's going on with me. I'm casual about sex though, so she won't be able to make me uncomfortable.

    After this conversation she almost immediately starts instigating cuddling and other close physical touches. She asks to sleep in my bed with my boyfriend and I despite me giving her a mattress and room of her own. She doesn't wear pants around the house often, and starts flirting with me hardcore pretty much, saying that she's attracted to fat people ( which I am.) This culminates in her engaging in oral sex with me one night when I was half asleep, and my boyfriend was asleep. I didn't and don't really know how to feel about this. I did consent, but I also wasn't really awake.

    Maybe my first mistake was brushing this off? I don't know.

    She continues to flirt with me after this, and shows me her lingerie and stuff like that. Shortly after I told her she couldn't cuddle with me and my boyfriend in bed anymore because I had a stiff neck and it was a rather small bed for three people. That was a half truth.

    I kind of pack all of this away and ignore it, but this all culminates in one day when we are chatting on the steam messanger. She is talking about her past and also things she's afraid of when she mentions kind of in passing I guess that she's afraid of the possibility of her raping someone. Now at this point I'm kind of like... wait what? She continues to elaborate saying that sometimes she doesn't have control of her body, like she blacks out and it's not her. She says that she hopes that if that ever happens and she tries to rape me that I would not be afraid to punch her and attack her. I was kind of just like.... ok... sure.

    I'm confused and kind of worried. I text my best friend and neighbor over because I need a second opinion on what I'm reading, because it occurs to me that I may not be reacting properly to what was just told to me. I almost just entirely brushed it off until I realized that I was just told that I'm at risk being raped in my own home. My friend comes over and reads it. When my roommate hears my friend come through the side door into my room she messages me to close the window. I message back sure, and let my friend read it instead. I feel kinda shitty about that, but my friend was alarmed and brought me to her apartment, expressing that she was scared to have me alone in that house.

    We talk a little bit before I leave, she expressing fear, and me trying to reason this through my head. I know that sexual assault survivors tend to be afraid of becoming the person who hurt them, but this was really concerning. I go home and end up talking with my room mate, expressing worry and fear over what they told me, and telling her I wouldn't be comfortable with her in my bed anymore, or doing anything else with her.

    It seemed to be okay when I first told her this, but afterwords she kind of became upset and moody. We end up having four different conversations about this, and for the first three she ends up pretty much trying to convince me that she didn't say that, and that's not what she meant, and how she's just afraid of the possibility that anyone could literally do anything at any time, nothing is there to stop them. And how this possibility is what makes her scared of herself. That she wasn't really a threat to rape me.
    I tell her in these three conversations that while I understand that, and honestly trust her not to actually rape or hurt me, I was still not comfortable with her in my bed or room. Every time a conversation ended, I thought that maybe that time she understood and that everything would be okay again. Every time it wasn't.

    The last time I spoke to her about this I had to actually yell at her that she wasn't owed my body, my cuddles and my affection. I asked her what the hell she wanted from the conversation because she kept trying to explain the same t hing in a different way, like I didn't understand. But I did understand that she didn't mean what she said, that I didn't really consider her a threat, but she still said that! She can't just take it back and make it better! And no matter how many times she tries to explain it a different way, intrusive thoughts, the fear of becoming her attacker, etc, it wasn't going to fix it.

    That particular conversation was the last one on that topic, and I felt like maybe that was the end. It hasn't been brought back up but now I don't know if I did the right thing. She had to change jobs again due to the new store she transferred to cut back her hours due to the fact she was trans, and now shes expressing displeasure at her new job and I'm worried shes going to try and jump that one. I also told her that ideally I would like to see her out of my apartment by next year, but she's been all weird and guilt trip-y about that saying she can't find proper resources to help her int he area, and that when I kick her out next year ( which I've told her a MILLION times I'm not going to kick her out) she'll just be homeless again.

    I don't know what to do or feel. I know that resources in the area are thin because this is a really shitty low income area, but I know it's not impossible since my best friend and neighbor is getting by on her own, and both my boyfriend and I were kicked out of our perspective homes and made it before we moved in together. But I also work two jobs and I don't have t he time and energy to keep looking for resources for her! I am urging her to find a therapist, I know she can afford one because I don't charge her for a damn thing in this house, but she keeps putting it off and giving excuses about calling her old therapist ( who was free) and is now nervous to call the recommended therapists due to not know how the costs will work out. I keep telling her to look for trans friendly resources because we are in a college city, but she says she's already aged out of a lot of them ( which feels like a lie? we are all 22-23 in this house which is college aged.)

    My friend says she would have kicked her out. My boyfriend is kind of annoyed because she's high strung and passive aggressive ( which neither of us pick up well, or deal with well). I would feel guilty and horrible for kicking her our.
    I just don't know what to do. I need adultier adults to help me.
    If you want to help me look for resources in my area, I live in the Lowell Massachusettes area, in Middlesex county.
  2. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    So I'm typing this on my phone and I apologize if it's a mess.

    I think that what your roommate said is concerning. She wasn't just saying 'I'm afraid of becoming a rapist, she was saying that the potential is there for this to happen ('I don't always have control of my body.') That's not okay. That is her admitting that she's a risky person for you to house. Yes, she may not have MEANT it like that, but that doesn't change what she said.

    She also is being very manipulative by trying to claim that you're going to kick her out. I think that's intentional - she wants you to feel bad so you don't ask her to leave.

    At this point I wouldn't blame her if you set a move-out date for her (for example, telling her 'in one month you need to be out.') What I'm about to say is going to sound very cold, and I apologize, butit's not your responsibility to find her alternate housing or resources. It sounds to me like she's deliberately putting off doing this so she can keep living with you, and that's Not Okay. She needs to start looking up things for herself.

    I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
    • Like x 1
  3. Nbkid

    Nbkid Member

    Thank you for the advice.
    I think if I do set a move out date for her, I will probably do it after winter is finished. I know it's not really my responsibility to house her or find her resources, but I don't think I could kick her out and put her in potentially dangerous position in good conscious.

    I do think you are right about it being deliberate though. At one point she told my boyfriend and I that she doesnt want to have a roommate that she doesn't know, and shes scared of moving out because of it. I've had this problem with her before, but I don't understand how she can be so insanely picky in such a situation. When my boyfriend and I were at our worst, we had to compromise what we were comfortable with and the quality of things we have, but I feel like she keeps setting these really high standards that just cant be met in her situation.
  4. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    That is also imtentional. She has a sweet deal with you two, so she's trying to avoid setting herself up to where she has to move out. She's using 'oh, I can't find housing that meets my standards' as an excuse to avoid taking steps to move out. It's very kind of you to house her through winter, but it's probably a good idea to let her know around now that by (x month) she needs to have moved out.
    • Like x 1
  5. Nbkid

    Nbkid Member

    I'll have to talk to my boyfriend about what date he would want to set for her too. Sadly it's not just me dealing with this, or it would be a lot easier for me to make a decision.
  6. rigorist

    rigorist On the beach

    I really think you and your BF need to come to an agreement about what to do first. Don't let the roommate play good cop/bad cop with the two of you.
    • Like x 3
  7. Nbkid

    Nbkid Member

    Update: I was just informed by my roommate that she is being let go of from her current job next week because her seasonal contract is up. She wants to see if she can get a job at the Walmart my boyfriend and neighbor work at, and I'm kind of nervous about how that will work out with wanting ask her to leave. I'm also worried about her money situation because she is kind of irresponsible with her money. I'm sorry that the answers might seem obvious to a lot of people, but this situation is really stressful to me because I really do hate the idea of having to distrust anyone, or put that sort of pressure on anyone. Thank you for the patience though.

    I definitely do need to talk to my bf about this, but he has seemed to want to put a lot of the decision making on me since I was the one who allowed her to stay with us in the first place.
  8. rigorist

    rigorist On the beach

    It's not necessarily bad if you have to make the decisions, but you have to make sure BF will back you up.

    I suggest you and BF go out someplace together and discuss this. A cheap fast food joint would be just fine. Or someplace nicer if you want. But someplace out of the house.

    You and BF have to be the grownups in the room, which kinda sucks, but them's the breaks. It's your (plural second person possessive) household and y'all need to prioritize that.
    • Like x 3
  9. pixels

    pixels hiatus / only back to vent

    it's funny (read: not funny) because she's already demonstrated that she's not really all that into consent. seriously, what? "i was half asleep and she instigated a sex act while i wasn't in a position to give her sober consent."

    also, if she "blacks out" and it's "not her" she needs to see a mental health professional about that immediately, or at least have a contingency plan in place for how to deal with things when it's "not her" besides "put the responsibility on other people to stop me."

    this is not your fault and not your problem. i understand that you want to do something nice for this woman. she has proved that she is actively a liability while she remains in your home. either she's going to continue the boundary violations with the people that are already there (hint: you, as seen by her multiple attempts to re-have the same conversation and change your mind on your boundary of where your comfort level is) or she's going to start shit with people you bring into the home, either as guests or as other roommates or as visitors or what have you.

    this is your house and you have the right to decide who's allowed to live with you there. i agree that the boyfriend should be on board with any decision you (plural) make, even if he does leave the onus of the decisionmaking on thee (singular). what's gonna suck is that, based on prior behavior, she's going to attempt to make you feel shitty about kicking her out at all, even though thou hast mentioned discomfort with her behavior. both of you need to be prepared for that and thou needst alert boyfriend to that possibility as well, so he can back thee up there as well.

    excuse me for singular-you "thou" use it was the only thing my brain could think of to clarify what i meant orz
    • Like x 3
  10. rigorist

    rigorist On the beach

    ("Thee" and "thou" are actually the old-fashioned English familiar pronouns)
    • Like x 2
  11. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    I'm finding myself wondering if the reason she doesn't want to talk over anything but steam chat is because it doesn't back anything up.

    I have a feeling you'll want to deliver the news as kindly as possible. I also have a feeling that regardless of how you deliver it, she's not going to take it well. Please don't let that dissuade you from telling her she'll need to find somewhere else to live by [date].

    I'd say that setting a specific date is important for you, because if it's "in the spring" or "next year" it'll be vague enough that she'll keep dragging out the housing search.
    • Like x 2
  12. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    As someone who lives in Eastern MA, I have a therapist I don't pay a cent for. If you're low income, MassHealth covers plenty of places, though i know it is tough to find private therapists who will take it. but we have some of the best state health insurance in the country, so there ARE resources. And you can search for therapists right through the insurance website.

    Seconding (thirding) that if she's concerned about not being able to control herself, uh...that is a SERIOUS MENTAL HEALTH ISSUE THAT SHOULD BE TREATED ASAP? I mean that coupled with the money thing says "impulse control problems" to me and you aren't a doctor, you can't help her with that.
    • Like x 2
  13. Nbkid

    Nbkid Member

    I'm aware and urging her to see find a therapist. She's told me she's tried to commit suicide four times since moving in with me, and it's kind of freaked me out. I have told her straight up that she needs to find a therapist because if she's this much of a danger to herself when there are other people in the house helping her, she will be more so when she's on her own.

    She originally lived in Eastern Mass, and I believe it's where the therapist she currently keeps contact with is. I am not sure if she has insurance even though it's illegal to not in Mass, so I don't really know about that. I will bring it up to her though.

    Thank you both for the support. I know I need to and it's really nice to hear that I'm not doing the wrong thing. I was really worried about the fact that I might be overthinking this or overreacting....
  14. witchknights

    witchknights Bold Enchanter Defends The Fearful

    She's getting a pretty sweet deal while living with you; I don't think she is going to try and move out unless you are really, really final on the issue, and I am tempted to see the suicide thing as a blatant attempt at emotional manipulation because honestly, if she'd tried to commit suicide and you didn't find out until now, you are either not living in your house or she considers taking two of those allergy pills that make you drowsy a suicide attempt.

    If anything else fails, I suggest you start charging a steep rent (to compensate for the time she's lived there for free) and see how long until she magically finds a place that meets her standards.
    • Like x 1
  15. Nbkid

    Nbkid Member

    her brand of trying to commit suicide is jumping out into heavy traffic. We live off a pretty busy road, and i work over 50 hours a week, so sadly it is completly possible that she has attempted, but the drivers managed to not hit her. The fact t hat she might be using them as pity tokens to try and manipulate me has occurred to me though.

    Quick Edit: The rent idea may be a good idea though if I can hook her up with a new job.
  16. turtleDove

    turtleDove Well-Known Member

    I'm getting strong recollections of Gay Dog from what you're describing (although as far as I'm aware, Gay Dog is still in B.C. and is going to get turned back from the border every time she tries to cross). Especially with the general "I'm in a bad place, only you can save me, everything around me is Always Bad" pity-string tugging.

    I honestly cannot strongly second enough having a firm move-out date for her, and backing that up in writing somewhere she can't pretend it didn't happen. And making it clear that even if she does not have a job at the time, she still needs to move out by then. It's awful and it's going to feel mean and she's going to do her best to tap-dance all over your guilt buttons and make you change your mind.
    Do not change your mind.

    Changing your mind will show her that all it takes to push where your boundaries are set is being persistent. Given how she's already been trying to wear away at your boundaries for consensual sex, you do not want to set that precedent.

    You're not overreacting here - everything she's done and said is indicating that she's not a safe person to have in your house. She's in a bad place and not mentally well, yes - but that doesn't mean you need to put yourself at risk to help her. You deserve to be safe in your own home, and unless she manages to radically change so that "oh, sometimes I just blackout, lol - just punch me or kick me away if I'm doing something I shouldn't" isn't a thing which is happening any more, it doesn't feel like you're going to have that while she's there.
    • Like x 3
  17. Nbkid

    Nbkid Member

    Im going to be honest i have no idea what or who Gay Dog is. I have known of Kintsugi for a long time but until i really needed the soundingboard for advice i was nervous about coming here. I always feel like the odd fish out in forums lol.

    I have been talking to my boyfriend about move out dates though and knowing u guys and my best friend are behind me in thials decision makes me feel much better.

    I do have an update on the situation that ill put up later though. Ive been checking this thread pretty frequently because im nervous as heck, but im at work rn and will have to wait to post much more
    • Like x 2
  18. turtleDove

    turtleDove Well-Known Member

    Ah - Gay Dog is the pseudonym I used for a roommate I had for a few months. She's also a trans woman, and is a furry and was out a job and (allegedly) on the verge of being homeless when she moved in; the bits that are reminding me of her here are mostly how she was always very insistent on spinning things so that it was never her fault that bad things had happened - her life was just a perpetual tragedy, and she constantly needed rescuing.
  19. Nbkid

    Nbkid Member

    Omg did u have my roommate? Id be worried it was the same person if it wasnt for the fact it seems u live in canada.

    But furry gay trans woman who is needy af is how id describe my roomy. Maybe i shall call her Gay Goat
    • Like x 1
  20. turtleDove

    turtleDove Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I'd be wondering if it were the same person if not for the fact that Gay Dog's got a poly group and if she ever did manage to make it into the States, she'd be more likely to try and shack up with the partner she's trying to get a fiance visa with. And the fact that Gay Dog has, last I heard, been bounced from the border crossing often enough that she's now really unlikely to ever be let through. Like. Ever.

    Gay Goat seems like a good nickname!
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