mhm! i guess i'm just scared of people hating me for it,,, i don't take that stuff very well and idk what i'd do if i got hate! D: thankyou all for being so kind! <3
yeah, i need to have that mindset more but it still scares me a lot when people hate me oh gosh ;; i'll just have to try what i can to avoid anyfin harmful when i do feel safe enough to come back;;
hhhhh feeling lonely and guilty and awful again when nobody's online is fu n;; i'm so scared of everyone now... i just don't want people to hate me and i don't know what i can do. my paranoia is rly bad right now.
i'm probably a horrible person anyway. i just want to stop being here, i've hurt everyone enough already...
For what it's worth, someone who's hurt people is not a horrible person and not irredeemible. Theyre just a person, who can try to not hurt others going forward. I'm not familiar with the situation so I dont know what things would lead you to think you're bad, or that you've hurt anyone, but you're not bad you're just a person and you're welcome to keep posting here if you want to
Kintsugi is fixing broken pottery with gold. You can't make kintsugi pottery without cracks or pieces breaking to begin with to make room for the metal to fix it. Your cracks are jagged and painful and there's no way to moosh the pieces back together on their own. But you're learning to care for yourself better, and making things safer so you can be stronger. That's you tending your gold. It doesn't hide the cracks. It shows precisely where they were, and what you did to fix them. And that's healing, even if it takes a while. I'm sorry you were feeling really paranoid and upset, that's hella no good and I def get that feeling constantly. But you're not the only person who's hurt someone in the world, or even just on here. The difference between actually being a bad person and being someone who's healing is that when something bad happened from your end, you admitted it and took every action possible to fix it. That right there shows you're not a bad person. You're worried about being hated. That's another sign you're not a bad person, because it stems from the same incident. Bad people don't worry about being hated, or apologize. They wouldn't see anything they did as bad or wrong, and if they were shown evidence on WHY it's bad or wrong they wouldn't act to repair it or apologize at all still. You're a good person who's still mending seams in gold. You've got this.
i still miss being there lots but i was literally crying today bc i remembered the stuff i saw that made charm front. im not in a state to be back there at all and people probably hate me anywave b u t
when you remember that the Thing That Triggers You exists and you have a panic attack but you still wanna go back somewhere u cld be exposed to it and hurt yourself and others again. brain what are you doing.
To keep it vague as possible to keep you calm: how common is the thing you're triggered by? Like on a given day, would it be something that anyone would be exposed to consistently? Or is it more of a Once In A Blue Moon type things? Depending on how common it is, it'd show how easy or not it would be to safeguard yourself against it and block it from ever being around you at all.
once in a blue moon reely but we've literally had psychotic episodes over it so... i'm scared bc efin if i ask people to blacklist it it'd just be so dangerous for them to slip up ;;
hhhhhh Hell Brain has decided to let me stop feeling bad abt tumblr for now and panic bc remembering what i originally saw there instead dhshshshs im. not gonna sleep for a while probs i dont wanna be left alone w/ Brain
You're a nice person. I have this theory that we think of people as being Bad or Good, but I think it's really more like d&d's two-bit alignment. Like, sure there might be Good and Evil, indicating how like selfish (shellfish?) or how altruistic (al-tuna-istic? maybe?) someone is... But what really tells me if I want them around is the axis of Nice and Asshole. Assholes can be motivated to do Good - that's like tumblr in a nutshell - and Evil people might be entertained by the suffering of others but still be Nice to people who are suffering and actually help them feel better. I mean, it really seems like you're not actually secretly evil, you seem honestly distressed by other people hurting. But even if that weren't the case, even if there's a side of you that is bad and wicked and chuckles evilly when some of us here are venting about our misery, you still express sympathy and show support, you still help us feel less alone and more like we're worth caring about. So if you're gonna claim to be bad, I'm gonna say, "Doesn't matter, you're still nice."
thankyou.... fhdhs i feel like im the Asshole Motivated To Do Good a lot of the time tho, bc of ocd + the incidents with charm hurting ppl i guess, like i want to be nice to ppl but i'm secretly evil and manipulative beneath it ;;
i placed so much of my worth on that i had lots of followers and friends and i could genuinely help people and it's gone. i probably wasn't even a good person to begin with.
"Doesn't matter, you're still nice." If your reason for wanting to genuinely help people was so that it would improve the quality of Great Cthulhu's meal when he awakes to psychically consume all our minds (or whatever), doesn't matter, you're still genuinely helping people. If your reason is for the ego trip of having power over others, doesn't matter, you've found the kindest way to enact that power. If your reason is just to look good and win praise and attention, doesn't matter, you're objectively making people's lives better when you help them, and that enables them to help and support others in turn, and ripples spread outward, small and subtle but accumulating. Doesn't matter if you think you have shitty reasons for doing good things, by helping other people you are contributing to a better world for the rest of us to live in. I don't know much about Charm or any of the trouble you've been through. I can tell you that everybody is capable of hurting people. Sometimes through thoughtlessness, sometimes by lashing out when hurting, sometimes because they genuinely think someone deserves to be hurt. Nobody is really a cinnamon roll, nobody is truly pure. What you do when you know you've caused harm matters. Striving to make amends, striving to do better, striving not to repeat past mistakes, these are good decisions and these are what it looks like you've decided to do. You're not floating along claiming that you did nothing wrong, that it was everybody else's fault, that you shouldn't have to change, that it's ablist for anybody to hold you responsible for your actions. Those would be shitty actions. So if you don't think you had altruistic intent, you still performed altruistic actions, and the actions are what change other people's life experiences. Be as evil as you want inside, doesn't matter. Your actions are still nice, and that matters.
i still feel so bad right now and worrying aboat whether to go back isn't helping me i've lost so much
Hey. Can I help? We haven't talked directly much but I really really like you! Like... you're funny and upbeat and even though you struggle you try to help people, and I've noticed that since you've joined and admire it.
aa oh gosh thankyou so so much... that reely means a lot !! <3 idk tho oh glub;; i'm just stressing aboat everyfin so much and i don't know what i can do. i've lost something that was my biggest coping method and hhh
Spoiler: hhh im probably awful and irredeemable by now anyway so what does it matter even thinking about the stuff i saw that made this happen makes me want to die i guess i deserved it anyway
