nothing feels enjoyable any more there's no point i delude myself into thinking i'll Get Better if i wait but it never happens i just want to die
why am i still surprised when people leave me. i don't have anyone who cares because i've never deserved love in the first place.
why do i ever try to convince myself i'm a good person why do i try manipulate other people into telling me it so much i'm a liat and i'm scared of the truth that everyone would be better off without me
i only ever cared about my own feelings anyway. i'm selfish and narcissistic and abusive and no amount of me pretending i'm a nice person will change that.
when will i stop seeking attention from strangers and actually realize there's a reason nobody who actually knows me would want to be close to me
have lived my entire life picking petty shit to Look Forward To and assure myself i'll Feel Better Then. somehow too dumb to realize after the thousandth attempt this doesn't work.
im not even real. everything about me is probably fake and it's no wonder i can never genuinely connect to anyone. idk who i even am any longer. im probably straight + cis + nt and making everything up as an excuse to get pity for being lazy and hurting everything i touch.
and i can't even succeed in being fake. like, at least i could be an asshole who gets their way or some shit but no. i've alienated everyone close to me and have no future irl. idk if i even have chronic illnesses lol, i'm just lazy and desperate for excuses.
lmao i wish everyone still trusted me and didn't know by now i'm evil and irredeemable and usless. i just want to keep living a lie and using whoever i can make believe me.
Hey, I know right now I can't make you feel better, but I can at least put a foot on the toy train track that's running itself into the ground so it'll stop for a brief second. You're catastrophosizing and spiraling down, and the reason it's compounding instead of lifting is because your brain is doubling down on itself. You're not evil. You're not bad. If you're manipulating someone with ill intent you're doing it in the most productive, roundabout positive way I've ever seen. You're still not sending off my pangs of !!! alarms that go off around people I'm concerned about being around, and you're still hitting a lot of familiar things for brainbugs. and for the chronic illness thing? That's a constant worry for a lot of people. Even fully diagnosed people who know for a fact they have the things, black and white on paper proof for the world and themselves, are in constant doubt. Like me. If you've alienated everyone around you, it's time to reach for new people. If you feel you were the source of problems and continue to learn more about yourself and how your reactions play into things, as well as your end goal desires, you can find ways to be around and talk to people without that occurring. You do not have a scarlet letter hanging over your head barring you from interacting with people or growing as a person, I promise.
t hanks... idk. i've hurt people a lot and idk how i can't be a bad person after that. i'm probably lying about everything, i just want attention and even if i wasn't there just doesn't seem to be a point to keeping on any more. i don't feel like i enjoy anything or have much of a future.
You are so young, from where I'm sitting in looks like you've got nothing but future I know it doesn't feel that way, I remember being 16 and wanting some agency, some power to have my decisions matter. More time will offer more opportunities to make those decisions that will give you a chance to build a happy and stable life, I can promise you at least that. And if you're manipulative you're doing everything right. You bolster me when I'm feeling fragile and you let me satisfy my nurturing instinct trying to help you stay afloat. My world is better with you in it.
fjdhshsjs im an awful person and i deserve everything bad that happened to me why can't i just stop trying
hhhh i'm on vacation tomorrow for a week and i've packed all my stuff and i want to genuinely enjoy myself but i just have the stupid thought that i'd rather be staying at home and back on tumblr why do i miss somefin that was unhealthy for me so much
I hope you have fun! If you don't get a chance to come to kintsugi, know that you'll be missed and I'm sure we'll enjoy hearing about your trip when you get back
'i know better than to allow you to be upset because i'm older and superior and i won't even allow you to argue because you're being Irrational' is something we've heard before, lmao.
i guess the question is, if you don't mind it, what things specifically make you feel like you're being fake/harmful/etc? and, to follow that up: if you were faking, doing something toxic, etc, why would you need to? because even if you were toxic/faking, that would still mean you need help--not a fraction as many people are faking illness as think they are, and the rare ones who do are not doing it because they're healthy and well-balanced, and even toxic people can grow and get better as long as they don't, like, actively reject all such change because they enjoy hurting people and see no reason to stop. (and even then they'd need help and could be helped, they'd just be highly unlikely to actually take steps to get it.) from where i'm standing you don't seem like you're toxic or faking at all, but even if somehow you are you would still be welcome here, and you would still have a good reason to be here.
idk, everything about me seems to make me feel like that, i have a rly strong need to be kind to people and help them but i just hurt them anyway so it must just be an act to get people to like me. i don't understand myself or why i'm so scared of things like being hates that i've probably caused for myself...
