Maybe it would be helpful to frame it a different way. Because to me that looks less like "it was just an act" and more like "they're a little clumsy," which is honestly okay. I have that problem, I accidentally hurt people or push their emotional hotbuttons, it's the thing I get anxiety about in fact, but I've been learning to forgive myself when I do. So, if I may offer a suggestion, you might try this practice: when you find yourself thinking that you can't possibly be genuinely kind and helpful because sometimes you end up hurting people anyway, try telling yourself that this is wrong, that you only hurt people by accident and that you can learn how to be more careful. It will take a while - at first you'll probably feel that you're kidding yourself but if you keep it up you can train your brain to think about the issue in this way instead. And if you think about it this way it's easier to see it as a problem you can solve instead of imagining yourself to be secretly bad. Either way, don't forget that I believe in you.
still on the verge of a panic attack when i even remember the thing that triggered me in the first place lmao why am i like this
i can pretty much be sure i'm an irredeemable person by now anyway. i don't know why i keep on trying to get close to people. i wish i could stop.
i'm abusive and toxic and only care about myself and i'm selfish enough to get upset when anyone realizes it.
I dunno if it'll make you feel better, but your cuttlefish pictures in the howdy thread always brightens my day (and also, it's super human to be a lil selfish. that's years of survival talking through your genes. it's also super human to be worried that you're Too selfish, especially if you- I was gonna write "especially if you have anxiety" but honestly I think most people I know have worried about being too selfish. (though maybe that just means I know a lot of anxious people))
We haven't really talked, so I don't know how much this is worth, but your posts always seem friendly and not particularly toxic or unpleasant at all. Seconding what kmoss said about your cuttles as well, they're very sweet. a lot of this sounds like anxietybrain, so maybe cut yourself a little slack?
i feel like nobodys even listening even when people are and its makin me dissociate more this is fine, i feel completely trapped in my own body,
softly banging pots and pans together outside your window at 3 am i! have ceased to exist a long time ago! and am fundamentally disconnected with reality!
if ive really disappeared from objective reality right now u see i can post, all the cuttle i want, so it's not quite all
its all so much quieter than its ever been before im disconnecting slowly from everything and im kinda okay with that