EDIT 2X COMBO: slightly less bad health talk, slightly more screaming about what fictional thing I'm into at any given momemt EDIT: Thread ended up mostly becoming about my bad health. Nonspoilered discussions of gross stuff ahead. Hopefully that'll be done at some point... soon... and I can get back to whining about grad school and being an anxious person. Sounds like a medication. Anyway, I keep starting to make this and then not making it. Just going to do it because I keep having a bunch of stuff I want to scream about and feeling like I'll take up too much space in the general-purpose vent thread (although in making this now I'm worried about taking up too much space in the forum in general and also why the fuck would you need a vent thread, you don't have the right to make a vent thread, etc. etc.) I have my first committee meeting next Tuesday. I am freaking the fuck out for a number of reasons: I haven't met one of my committee members yet It's Thursday and I still haven't reserved a room I can't even figure out how to make a Venn diagram from BLAST results, why the fuck am I even allowed to be in grad school I feel like I've done nothing for a year and have nothing to show for it (actual good grad students would have done more stuff by now) I have to dress up a little bit and it's too hot to dress up and look nice I have two important jobs that are just sitting idle on the cluster and why can't they just fucking RUN A script I was trying to run froze and now I'm worried that it's just going to freeze again What if they decide I'm no good and kick me out and then we'll have no money and an expensive apartment and no family around and I'll have dragged my partner out to the middle of nowhere for no reason and what will we do then My advisor seems to think that I've done alright???? and I just feel like I'm deceiving everyone????? and I feel so fucking guilty for taking up time and resources that could have gone to someone else and then I feel guilty for feeling guilty and it's just a huge stupid cycle of dumb Feeling so sick and it's just looming and there's nothing I can do to get out of it. I just have to do it. I feel so sick. Why in the fuck did I think grad school was a good idea haaaaahahhahhaaaaaa ~~~ So I made progress towards reserving a room and I feel a tiny bit better, but I still feel nauseous about it whenever I remember and I'm just pretty terrified.