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Sarovent [18+]

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Saro, Jul 21, 2016.

  1. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    EDIT 2X COMBO: slightly less bad health talk, slightly more screaming about what fictional thing I'm into at any given momemt

    EDIT: Thread ended up mostly becoming about my bad health. Nonspoilered discussions of gross stuff ahead. Hopefully that'll be done at some point... soon... and I can get back to whining about grad school and being an anxious person.

    Sounds like a medication.

    Anyway, I keep starting to make this and then not making it. Just going to do it because I keep having a bunch of stuff I want to scream about and feeling like I'll take up too much space in the general-purpose vent thread (although in making this now I'm worried about taking up too much space in the forum in general and also why the fuck would you need a vent thread, you don't have the right to make a vent thread, etc. etc.)

    I have my first committee meeting next Tuesday. I am freaking the fuck out for a number of reasons:
    1. I haven't met one of my committee members yet
    2. It's Thursday and I still haven't reserved a room
    3. I can't even figure out how to make a Venn diagram from BLAST results, why the fuck am I even allowed to be in grad school
    4. I feel like I've done nothing for a year and have nothing to show for it (actual good grad students would have done more stuff by now)
    5. I have to dress up a little bit and it's too hot to dress up and look nice
    6. I have two important jobs that are just sitting idle on the cluster and why can't they just fucking RUN
    7. A script I was trying to run froze and now I'm worried that it's just going to freeze again
    8. What if they decide I'm no good and kick me out and then we'll have no money and an expensive apartment and no family around and I'll have dragged my partner out to the middle of nowhere for no reason and what will we do then
    9. My advisor seems to think that I've done alright???? and I just feel like I'm deceiving everyone????? and I feel so fucking guilty for taking up time and resources that could have gone to someone else and then I feel guilty for feeling guilty and it's just a huge stupid cycle of dumb
    Feeling so sick and it's just looming and there's nothing I can do to get out of it. I just have to do it. I feel so sick.

    Why in the fuck did I think grad school was a good idea haaaaahahhahhaaaaaa

    ~~~

    So I made progress towards reserving a room and I feel a tiny bit better, but I still feel nauseous about it whenever I remember and I'm just pretty terrified.
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2018
  2. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    Tomorrow is the thing and I am intermittently terrified/kind of excited/disbelieving/??????/sick/worried. I'm trying to concentrate on the fact that I ordered some flavored white teas for my birthday and that at some point I'll be done with this meeting and enjoying my white tea to moderate the anxiety, semi-successful. I'm also hoping that I can see the neighbor's black cat before tomorrow, because it's very friendly and I feel like it's a lucky cat. Gotta remember to put my Light medallion in my pocket for tomorrow because it's lucky too and I'm a huge nerd and have weird beliefs about luck and fate and junk.

    Good things:
    • Been taking medication, so at least there's that
    • Been eating and drinking water
    • Have room, know what I have to bring tomorrow
    Bad things:
    • I need to finish my presentation and I keep. not. Even this is putting it off and I just need to do it
    • Still scared
    • Fought with partner a lot yesterday
    • Having a lot of intrusive thoughts about hurting myself/things, being worthless, etc.
     
  3. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    Why does anxiety have to make my GI tract so bad. Why. It just makes me more anxious and causes a stupid bad cycle of dumb. Also, why does it have to make me sweat so much??? Ugh, I hate this. I almost wish I could just vomit and maybe feel better, but it never gets to that point; my stomach just churns. The heart racing thing is pretty terrible too, and the trembling, and the numbness in my extremities.

    Why can't it just be done already. Why am I like this.
     
  4. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    Lowkey frustrated with myself today for no particularly good reason.

    Like I keep looking at the AvPD diagnosis list and it's like, yes. I do exhibit >4 of those. I certainly do, oh boy yes I do! But then I feel bad, like I'm trying to seek out new problems for me to have so that I can get more sympathy or attention or ???. Also, I have some of the symptoms, but I do the thing anyway (like I'm totally not avoiding occupational activities that require interpersonal contact, and I do take risks and do new things). It's not easy and makes me very uncomfortable, but I still do it, so does that just invalidate the whole thing? And on top of everything, it doesn't even matter if I have a name for it or not, nothing would change if I had a magical diagnosis, I don't even know why I'm so fixated on trying to apply a name to things that I do.

    Ugh, I feel like such a terrible person in any case and I'm probably just exaggerating what's wrong with me. I haven't had a really bad depressive episode in a few years and the anxiety is bad but I still do things, so it's not like I'm even very inhibited in life and I feel like I'm making things sound worse than they are just for.... fitting in? Or getting lenient treatment? Why can't I just be honest and straightforward and not... like this.
     
  5. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    In other news, very minor things can apparently set off an anxiety attack even when I've been feeling semi-okay for the past few days. Which is really crappy timing because I have to call ATT and try to get them to cancel/not auto-renew/something our internet so we can switch to Comcast. Sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks, fuck off anxiety.

    Like, it's so dumb. I was able to talk to people today and not feel weird and I had my weekly meeting with my advisor yesterday and felt really good about it! So why does this tiny thing that doesn't even involve me have to ruin my streak of "hey, things are Okay!"? Screams at self (but quietly, I'm in lab).
     
  6. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    I'm such a terrible person and it's no wonder that I can't make friends or even be a functional human person. Just a jealous, deceptive, squirming mass of... ugh.
     
  7. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    Even the most basic parts of human interaction are fraught with anxiety.

    My PI had her baby. She emailed the lab members to let us know. I am happy for her. It should be very easy to just say "Congratulations!", right? Apparently not, because the thought of doing so is making me very nervous and sick, even though it would be completely normal and natural to do. One of my other labmates has already done so. But here I am, wondering if it's even okay to say something in reply, feeling like I'm not "worthy" of saying congrats because I don't do enough in lab, I'm not good enough, etc. etc. Urgh. This should be simple but haha fuck me I guess.
     
  8. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    Why do I have to be like this. Why does getting a fucking normal checking-in email make me freak out and want to die. Nausea, cramping insides, racing heart. It's just an email. Even if it's terrible, I can get through it. I've gotten through everything else, this'll probably be fine too. But still, every time, the immediate reaction is this mental and physical sickness.

    Aaaaand I'm just prolonging it by not looking at the email. I know it'll eventually help to just read it and see what's happening, but the fear of what might be in there and the knowledge of how I'll feel as I'm opening it and reading it is keeping me in this terrible state of fear and anxiety and not-knowing.

    I'd like to not feel this way but it seems so insurmountable. Bangs head against desk.

    I just sometimes wish I were worse. Like, I'm fine enough that I can get through things and face all the scary things but I'm bad enough that it's exhausting and terrifying and just living is like a continual struggle to prove that I should be alive (which I have to do through things like working, always doing good stuff in lab, being funny, making art that people like....) And sometimes I just wish I weren't able to deal with it so I didn't have to. terrible
     
  9. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    Why suddenly feeling physically ill at the idea of grading homework? Usually grading is ok. But even the idea of starting is making me so sick and afraid. What. Why right now.

    Potentially because people did very poorly on last quiz and I'm worrying both about the students' reactions to getting a bad grade AND about people's opinions of my ability to be a good teacher. "You didn't teach us right!"/"She can't even teach two-gene linkage problems right." Hahahahahahaha I just want to crawl in a hole and disintegrate.
     
  10. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    Oh right I'm feeling this way because I haven't taken my medication in 4 days. No wonder. Wow I'm a piece of shit.

    Nearly out of medicine -> knows I need to get more -> doesn't get more -> lies -> doesn't even take the pills I do have for some reason -> bad thoughts and almost meltdown at school (but have to keep up appearances by being cheerful and saying everything is A-ok!)

    Conclusion: I'm a shit person but I can take some steps to be a slightly less shit person by calling the pharmacy.
     
  11. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    It's time for the usual Tuesday Panic where I have an email from advisor and have to read/respond to it. How am I supposed to get a Ph.D if interacting with the main person who's helping me makes me sick-scared. * cue the usual "why did you even go to grad school you should have just stayed a housekeeper forever" thoughts *
     
  12. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    just very depressed right now, things not going right, gonna have a progress report that's like "I got nothing done this week" and how am I supposed to justify my existence if I haven't got anything done and going to be so scared over the weekend waiting for the reaction

    i guess it's not entirely my fault that stupid fucking computer shit just doesn't work but i should have done more to make up for it

    crawls into a hole and dies
     
  13. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    apparently my brain has decided I have cancer (having some health issues and haven't seen doctor yet) and so now I'm terrified and keep freaking out about dying, thanks brain
     
  14. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    and now my brain is convinced that my antidepressants that are causing the health issues and is freaking out at the thought of taking them. THANKS BRAIN THAT'S REALLY WONDERFUL OF YOU.

    I am very tired and I wish that none of this was happening. I do not want to go to the doctor, they don't even bother to give me the results of lab tests. (it's probably my responsibility to make a follow up but fuck it I'm still pissed.
     
  15. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    This upcoming week is going to be shit, utter shit, and I forgot till now and also didn't do stuff I should have done over the weekend because not feeling good. Fuck everything. Why do all these things have to converge like this. I just want to sleep for a month and not have to deal with anything.
     
  16. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    Wow I really fucked myself over on the one day I really shouldn't have!! ! Lol really wanna break down but I can't because I have a hundred things I have to do today.
     
  17. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    Today was a terrible day!! On top of everything else a bus swerved to drench me with gross puddle water and they varnished the apartment below so now ours smells like disgusting fumes!! Fucking great!!!
     
  18. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    I'm so upset I want things to not be terrible and they are!
     
  19. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    Ugh ugh ugh why do things continue to be shit even after sleeping

    Slept in the car because fumes were too much

    Dr visit went okay but i fucking hate
    describing my intestinal issues to strangers in great detail, having them do rectal exams, augh
    and the answer was "go to the gastroenterologist!" so now it's another waiting game

    Prof decided that now was a great time to super critique my quiz and I'm just like aaaauuuuuugh why didn't you say this yesterday and before I sent out the final draft

    i am anemic

    apartment will probably still be terrible and fumey today too

    i got nothing done research wise this week, like literally nothing

    i am just. stressed to hell and back right now.
     
  20. Saro

    Saro Level 97 Bard Cleric

    LOL can't see a specialist until fucking January 30th!! Great!!!!!!!!!!!!

    The thought of taking classes, being a TA, doing my own research and helping with other people's while feeling this tired and shitty until then is just. I can't do it. lol
     
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