school + brainweird

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by budgie, Oct 19, 2015.

  1. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    school was going ok this term. not great, but ok; classes are ok, i managed to get into the last one i needed to graduate, and a bunch of them are intro courses so not too hard.

    then i found out i missed the due date for one assignment and suddenly all of my can went out the window. it was even a super easy assignment, but trying to write it was like trying to run on a waxed floor once i realized it was late. then i missed another, because it's like my executive function gave out on schoolwork alone. i have a midterm thursday; have i studied for it? nope. i fret a bit, but usually the most i can muster is a vague sense of guilt.

    today i talked to one ta about turning my homework in late and it's ok; i'll talk to another prof tomorrow. and, i mean, this is way better than when i had to take time off because i was too embarrassed/guilty to go back to class, but shit am i tired of my brain noping out on me.
     
  2. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    haha guess who didn't talk to his seminar prof about the overdue assignment that's worth 20% of my grade or study at all for the midterm tomorrow

    fuck.

    i need a hug.
     
  3. Secret Squirrel

    Secret Squirrel certainly something

    *big hug!!!*

    I don't have any advice, except maybe try to get some sleep if last minute studying seems fruitless.
     
  4. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    oh look i did the thing again

    and now i can't focus on homework again. or make any traction in calling the gender id clinic.

    basically the only things i can get myself to do are things i know i'll be yelled at for not doing (e.g, going to work), and homework is not one of them.
     
  5. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    persisting in the land of staring blankly at homework

    i kind of want to get some kind of assessment re: adult adhd, but i'm tired of finding new things that are wrong in my head. conversely, i also don't want to learn that i am just plain lazy/bad at school/whatever
     
  6. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    worked out the avoidance, to a certain degree:

    - homework A is a week overdue at this point -> looking at homework A causes me alarm
    - there is homework B due tomorrow and C due thursday, but doing either of those causes me alarm because i'm not working on homework A
    - in conclusion, panic, alarm, avoid everything

    the especially daft part is that i was literally at the dr's office today and i didn't think to get a note for this because it seemed like too much because i was already getting a note for something else. nnnngh.
     
    • Like x 1
  7. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    when you procrastinate on booking an appointment to figure out how to deal with your procrastination :|

    it's like the time i procrastinated on a) reading and b) returning a book on procrastination, except that time the librarian thought it was funny enough that she waived my fees.
     
    • Like x 1
  8. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    well, i have an appointment with my dr to get a referral to the psych. lord knows how long that's going to take. going to try and talk to the accessibility services people too, but since it's almost the end of the term that's probably going to take an age too.

    i really must plan my brainweird for more convenient times.

    eta: i wish i knew how much of this was neurochemistry and how much of it was habit. is it because i used to shut down when i got overwhelmed because i just didn't have the resources to deal, and now it's my default reaction? do i need to learn new routines? or is it a brain wiring thing that wasn't obvious previously because depression/anxiety were the major problems?

    because if i knew what the cause was i'd be that much closer to fixing things.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2015
  9. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    welp. feel like stress puking. thankfully have both dr's app and accessibility services app tomorrow.
     
  10. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    I got am extension on most of my coursework and I see the psych tomorrow am. Honestly not sure what I'm hoping for anymore.
     
    • Like x 1
  11. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    psych app:

    • psych says i still sound mildly depressed despite meds, which surprised me, because i honestly didn't think so? but then again my old normal was pretty fucking miserable, so 'mostly not shit' sounds good to me
    • agrees that i'm burnt out, and yes should definitely stick to my plan of cutting back to 24 hours of work next term
    • emphasized that i need some freaking downtime once in a while
    • i mentioned the add-test similarities, but since i hadn't thought to print them out i couldn't remember most of them (ironically often forgetting small details was one of them)
    • i learned the term 'somatic anxiety', which is basically the thing i get where my body is doing all the anxiety cues even though my mind feels fine
    • i got a referral to a mindfulness group in january and the suggestion of a book called 'when perfect isn't good enough'
    • also got instructed to start seeing my counsellor again, which i'm kind of enh on, because i'm tired of just going and talking to people
    • meds were not changed, because psych doesn't want to tweak things during an already high-stress period, but she did say that she was making notes on my file for my dr so if things were still bad mid-january there was a course of action

    so, idk. on the one hand it's a relief to be told that yes i have legitimate reasons for being so unfocused and mentally tired all the time. on the other hand, kind of frustrating that at the moment the plan is 'get through this and then see what happens', even though not changing things up during exam time is a solid plan.
     
  12. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    i really need to book another appointment with the psych

    i also really need to do the freaking work i got an extension on and still didn't do
     
  13. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    haha guess who forgot the return-by date for a full refund on textbooks and now has a $150 book he doesn't need? whoops

    also i feel like every time i mention the add-possibility people go "mm, well, let's just look at the depression".
     
  14. Secret Squirrel

    Secret Squirrel certainly something

    Would it be possible to use an online textbook buying site? I've done that before, there's a couple of site that do them. The one I used (I don't remember which though) even gave my a shipping slip and paid the postage. All I had to do was box up the books and take them to a FedEx.
     
  15. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    it's worth a shot, they just tend to pay less than full value.
     
  16. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    ok, so, i'm tackling the first of my overdue projects, which is pretty straightforward: i had to eat a style of cuisine that is outside of my usual repertoire, and then write up my expectations, what i actually encountered, and some research on traditional dining customs. i went with korean food (which, ok, not really that exotic to me, but i went with dishes/styles of korean cooking that aren't my usual); now i just have to actually write it up.

    kind of hoping by saying that i'm doing it where other people can see it i'll actually do it.
     
  17. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    i actually did the homework !?!

    now to tackle a bit of homework that's not overdue, because for whatever reason that's way easier.
     
    • Like x 1
  18. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    hahaha it's the end of the term and I have so much homework that's due

    and I panicked and freaked out about turning in only part of the homework I got an extension for, so I never turned it in, so I got a D in that class

    and today I literally walked out of a class because I could feel the anxiety climbing out my throat.

    and I'm terrified of talking to the Humanities office because wtf why do I keep needing extensions what is wrong with me

    and I booked a dr's appointment to get a note for an extension maybe but I don't want to go because fuck, this is mental illness-related, it must be, and that's going to mean I can't start T because my MI isn't managed

    I want to curl into a ball and ignore the entire world forever.
     
  19. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    I'm pretty sure it's ADD or some other sort of exec dysfunction issue, but the ADD testing is six fucking thousand and I get the impression the school psychs are really reluctant to prescribe anything for ADD without that.

    But fuck, I fail to do the stupidest things for no particular reason. Like, I had something to turn in for insurance, it would have got me back a pretty big chunk of money, and I just... didn't? Even though I knew the deadline was coming up. There was literally nothing about it that would have caused me any inconvenience or harm, but still, nope. I'm so glad I have direct deposit for my paychecks.

    I do this with all sorts of things. Even eating and peeing, sometimes; it's not that I don't want to, or that I don't want to stop what I'm currently doing, I just... don't until I absolutely cannot.

    I hate this. What is wrong with me.
     
  20. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    *hugs if they're wanted*
     
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