Selfish whinging

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by secretidentityman, Jul 21, 2015.

  1. secretidentityman

    secretidentityman New Member

    I keep thinking that I ought to kill myself. All casual like, like it ain't no big deal. And I know I won't do it. Haven't even been thinking of specifics. It's just not a thing that's gonna happen. I know it. So it's not a problem, right? There's nothing to talk about, right? It's stupid and selfish of me to even talk about it. I tried to get on crisischat, but who am I kidding, there's nothing to help. It's not gonna happen. There's only so many people working there, what if I get on and someone else who really needs the help doesn't get it cause my dumb ass was parked in their way? And it's selfish to post on here, cuase I'm not gonna do it, nobody needs to know. Nobody needs to know, I just need to calm the hell down and shut the hell up, it'll pass, it always does. I'm so stupid, and I don't know where I'm going with this, sorry. I just feel like I need to write it down, and maybe it'd be better to just do that on my own time in a fucking diary or whatever, but I'm such a dumb greeedy bastard and I don't know, I'm sorry.
     
  2. Kaylotta

    Kaylotta Writer Trash

    *hugs if wanted* you're not a dumb greedy bastard. It's totally fine to ask for support.
     
    • Like x 1
  3. Aviari

    Aviari PartyWolf Is In The House Tonight

    If writing it out helps, write all you want. I had the "casually suicidal" thing too.

    Sometimes just screaming "THIS ROLLERCOASTER SUCKS I WOULD LIKE TO GET OFF THE RIDE NOW PLEASE" into the void of the internet helps. Even if you're not actually going to actually get off the ride, there's no reason you can't talk about it.
     
  4. hoarmurath

    hoarmurath Thor's Hammer

    hey man,

    I sometimes think about it too.

    It does not mean you will do it or have to do it or that you're not hurting, it just means you're Super Done With Things sometimes. Which is fine too. I don't know what sort of a mood you're in generally, but it might be worth thinking about what exactly it is that makes you think this. If there is a specific trigger, maybe this is simply a very extreme "no make it stop" feeling?

    Or not. Either way is okay and we'll be around here to talk to.
     
    • Like x 1
  5. secretidentityman

    secretidentityman New Member

    Got a good nights sleep. Feeling better. Still kind of casually "wow, you know what I should just go die in a hole", but it's just some tinny background noise. Thanks for the words. And the hugs.

    I guess what kicked it off was probably lack of movement. Not big movement, small things. Didn't have work two days in a row. Haven't been doing much in school. Been feeling pent up and useless. But I'm okay now. Stuff's still pretty stagnant, but next week will be better.
     
    • Like x 1
  6. secretidentityman

    secretidentityman New Member

    Aww fuck, I'm thinking specifics now. God. If I crash the car, I can make it look like an accident. There's a stretch of highway where construction workers have laid concrete barriers less than a foot from the edge of the road, and I can get to going pretty fast around that curve, there'd be no way anyone could tell if I did it on purpose. I cn't do that, though, it's cost too much money, I can't leave my parents with a wrecked car and funeral expenses, fuck, who'd even show up at my funeral? God, my mom'd probably drag her siblings along, and they'd all have to pretend to care, fuck maybe they'd actually care, but I wouldn't, I'm completely incapable of forming normal human relationships, some vital part of me is missing, I'm fucking cracked in the head and I don't care, but people care about me, and I'm such a jackass for doing that to them. I want to drown. I'd like that, I think. I want everything to be dim and quiet and soft. I like how I move underwater, and I like the pressure and the way light moves and I know I don't deserve it, but I'd like to die happy.
     
  7. secretidentityman

    secretidentityman New Member

    everything i think i want just makes me feel guiltier. peope don't need me crowwing at their heels for ttention, goddammit, and i don't need anyone looking at me too closely
     
  8. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Ok, this is the point when you really want doctors involved. Are you seeing any kind of therapist? Could you--through school or the va or clinics? Do you have a regular dr your could talk to this about? Because yeah, it took me a while to realise that people without either serious trauma or serious brain chemistry upfuckage or both? Never think about killing themselves. So thats your first wake up call that its time for either serious therapy or meds. It means* "hey, start researching drs and/or recruting loved ones to help me figure out care options".

    By the time you start thinking about the issue of how, its crisis time. Id like for you to be talkin to a pro before the end of the week ideally. Specifics mean "ok its time to stop fucking around and making excuses, get your ass to the drs stat."

    (*for me, in my experience spending almost two decades managing occasionally suicidal levels of depression)
     
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2015
  9. secretidentityman

    secretidentityman New Member

    I keep telling myself I'll do it when I move out. Or when I get a better job. When I get better at handling money. When it won't be a burden and nobody's there to ask questions I don't want to answer. Fuck, I don't even think it'll help. I can't talk, I really can't, my voice goes all screwy and nobody can undertsand me, and it physiclly hurts to make words sometimes, and I just give up because I dunno. t's hard and I'm lazy I guess.
     
  10. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Ok. Thats depression talking. All those 'i cant's, the 'ill do it when...", and the 'it wont even help'? Thats lies depression tells you to keep you sick. Heres what you need to do. Find someone who cares about you and/or has a responsibility towards you. Family, a girl or boyfriend, a roommate, a friend, a dorm ra, a teacher. A neighbor. Someone.

    Tell them you need an appointment with a therapist this week and can they help you figure out a list of three drs in the area you could call for an appointment and TO SIT WITH YOU WHILE YOU CALL. This last is so you dont decide not to do it. The temptation will be strong, because depression wants to kill you. Dont give in. Make the call. I dont care if you go an mumblr, or have to sit and do the whole therapy session by text. Someone else--maybe @Lissa Lysik'an --will have to help you with the no words part, i dont know that. But DO GO. This is not a "later" situation.

    Seriously, here is your deadline--i want to hear back from you by tonight that youve talked to someone who can help you navigate this. Ill be waiting, ok?
     
  11. secretidentityman

    secretidentityman New Member

    If I tell anyone, they'll tell other people, and I won't know who knows. School's a for-profit technical college, it's not gonna have stuff like that, and my mom'll tell my dad, and my dad'll tell my mom, and maybe my boss and my coworkers, and I don't want people talking or looking or thinking about me.
    fuck, i'll text her, i'll figure it out, i'm sorry
     
  12. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    i think your mom might refrain from telling your boss if you ask her. Please let me know what she says. Im with you right now, waiting to hear how it goes.
     
  13. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Hows it going?
     
  14. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Hey seriously whats the progess?

    Im on the internet; i can entitlement hassle you forever if thats whats needed. Shall i PM? How obnoxious do you think i could be? Honestly, it is SO MUCH less of a pain to call your mom and get help than to deal with me deciding to push you about this, i am a huge butt.
     
    • Like x 1
  15. Lib

    Lib Well-Known Member

    I have fairly often just written down my concerns in therapy and flat-out given the paper to the therapist saying something like 'problems talking'. A decent therapist will definitely work with you on that, by giving you alternate ways to communicate if you need.
     
    • Like x 1
  16. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

  17. secretidentityman

    secretidentityman New Member

    I didn't do it. I got scared and did some stuff to calm don, and then it was 11, and I just gave up. I just got home from work, I'm gonna try and be frank about it. "I think I need to see a therapist, does out insurance cover that kind of stuff, is it okay with you if you don't tell anyone i told you that?" Is that okay? Is it fair to ask her not to talk about it? I think that might make her upset, some. Should I just drop that part?
     
    • Like x 1
  18. WithAnH

    WithAnH Space nerd

    It is absolutely fair to ask her not to talk about it. It's probably not reasonable to expect her not to tell your dad, but you would be within bounds to expect that she and your dad don't tell your boss or your coworkers. In fact, it would be incredibly disrespectful for them to share your private medical information with anyone outside the immediate family without your explicit permission.
     
    • Like x 5
  19. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    I think thats a perfect message and you're doing great. Get it sent; she'll probably be concerned that you're sick, but shouldnt be mad or anything like that. You wouldnt beat yourself up for having low insulin that was causing problems and needed dr attention, so don't beat yourself up for having wonky brain chemicals either.

    I know its hard. Im proud of you for making progress here.
     
    • Like x 1
  20. secretidentityman

    secretidentityman New Member

    I did it, and she didn't make a big deal of it or anything. And I talked okay, but I think that was because I didn't have to look at her.
     
    • Like x 4
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