I hate that things have felt like I have no interest in anything again. I've just been feeling so empty, and like everything is muted. Nothing seems vibrant anymore.
My sister wrote this status on facebook, yet she won’t respond to any of my texts for almost 4 months now. One of those was asking to facetime so I could tell my niece happy birthday. I don’t know what the fuck I did wrong but it feels really shitty.
I've also realized this is the first year I won't get to spend Christmas with my family or my close friends back home. Hell, we probably won't even do anything here. One roommate will probably go visit his brother, another will probably work, and the third doesn't like Christmas anyway. It's just making me realize how much I miss everyone back home.
I realized I'm just really lonely, and don't feel like I have a community or anywhere I belong anymore.
I feel like an asshole cause I had a friend I considered my moirail for such a long time, but when she and a mutual friend (also an ex of mine) became a couple, I couldn’t handle it and felt it was ruining everything. I still feel like that ruined the dynamic of everyone and is why it all fell apart.
There's a person I was friends with for a while that is a popular streamer in my friends circle. But he says really shitty things like the n word and f*gg*t and makes autism jokes and the 'guess I'll die since I'm a straight white man' comments in seriousness and he's not that great of a person and doesn't deserve the platform he has So every time I see people giving him asspats and he gets shoutouts and whatnot on twitter, I can't help but get mad
Like, one time we were in a oneshot D&D session to help one of my really good friends get the hang of DMing I made a halfling rogue that grew up as an orphan street urchin and could be a little annoying and bratty. After the session, he told me that he didn't know autism was a playable class. Considering a campaign I was in, we kicked a player cause the last straw was him making an autism joke, I was just pissed
And he and I dated for a short period of time! Considering we found out we were in the same state and had some similar interests. I did move to Washington though. But for a bit when we were dating, I had a really bad depressive spell for a while with some suicidal ideation. When I talked to him for support, he said he couldn't deal with this, and dumped me on the spot. That fucked me up.
My dumb ass decided to take him back when he came back and apologized for it. But he would make 'jokes' calling me a dumb cunt and shit while he was streaming and I would laugh along, cause I didn't know how to deal with it. But god forbid I make jokes saying he's being abusive towards me cause someone accused him of it before and it almost ruined him!! Which when I brought up that him continuing to call me stupid cunt and stuff hurt me, he said I was fine with it. Also he'd constantly ask for more naked pictures of me and it felt like a lot of the time, he just wanted to only be sexual with me, and I felt like an object for him to get off to more than anything.
It's left a sour taste in my mouth when it comes to my impression of him, but him using the n word and other things stretches to his conversations with online friends. I know this since I used to be in calls with these friends all the time. When I bowed out because of some people in these certain circles I didn't want to deal with, he pulled in the couple of friends that he liked and now it feels like I can never really talk to certain people of those groups anymore.
It sucks, cause it feels like now that they don't have to put up with me, they just want to avoid me altogether. Just... some people just aren't as sweet or nice as they act on stream/in front of an audience, me included. I don't know, I just wanted to get shit off my chest about that situation in particular
So I got stuck having to pay for damages to my last apartment that I did not cause and my former roommates refused to communicate with me about the situation after assuring me it would be fine, also the court and lawyer offices never returning my calls. The damages were caused from a guest my roommate let stay who had a psychotic break and caused significant damages to the house (while breaking my door open with a bat threatening to kill me and ultimately getting arrested). The other damages was the carpet, which was caused by a current roommate and her former roommate with their excessive number of cats. Of the damages, I know I'm not to blame but I'm on the lease, so I'm on the hook. The roommate that caused the most damage was somehow able to get away with not having to pay anything, so her boyfriend and I are going to have to pay for it. Last I remember, she had the highest paying job between the two of them. I can't work cause of my health. I can't trust the other person to pay for part of the damages, since he lied and told me everything was handled and then refused to return contact with me when it escalated. That said, would it seem unreasonable to start a gofundme to get help in paying for this?
I don't fucking understand my sister. First she doesn't talk to me for months, but finally does and apologizes and we have a conversation. All seems fine. Now, I find out she unfriended me on facebook, the only way I get updates about Liliana. The fuck. It could be cause that one post of her's on facebook I showed to my dad when I was frustrated over her not contacting me for months. But still, she HAS to understand how fucked up it is to just shut someone out of her life with no indication as to why when I did nothing wrong. She'll even say I did nothing wrong. I just don't understand. And in the whole whirlwind of the holidays and missing my family and friends back home, it just smacks me really hard.
Christmas plans have suddenly changed. Now I'm gonna cook Christmas dinner for housemates and myself. I'm hoping I don't screw it up, but I'm looking forward to it. I wish I wasn't broke though, I'd like to do a couple simple decorations for the day.
... trying to sleep is hard when your roommate is having noisy sex I have school in the morning and need to be up in 6 hours, fucking christ
I had to withdraw from the semester because I was cracking under pressures of school, and cleaning and cooking and having to take care of a couple roommates (cause it seems they can't take care of themselves) I feel like a failure, and depression is really eating at me. So shit brain is trying to remind me I haven't actually made any friends since moving to Washington (save for my roommates), and unless I contact my friends back in Ohio first, they never talk to me. Hell, my brother and sister won't respond to messages I DO actually send. It just makes me feel like they don't care that I'm gone. I miss them all a lot and I want to see them but flying out to Ohio is expensive and then I'd have to find somewhere to stay and how to get around, etc. I'm just really lonely.
Spoiler: NSFW I wanna see if my roommate wants to fuck since we have before but I'm a chickenshit at trying to intiate
