Vent siggy is soggy

ldskjgf thank u!!!
i was/is trying new coloring techniques and options cuz i wanna improve on that shit u know? im glad it looks nice

 

i really like cool glowy effects like this c:

 

I love having nightmares/day dreams/thoughts of where i'm accused of doing something to my friends where they all hate me and i don't know what i supposedly did wrong to the point where i feel like it might as well happen.

 

is it bad i just.
i want to try to cheer my friend up? they had a bad day and i wanna make it a little less bad but.

but at the same time they said i triggered their depression so like

whats the fucking point i guess? after that it feels like i wouldn't be able to do anything to i guess make them smile even a little anymore.

i guess im filled with understanding with being sad but i also am still angry at them for saying that to me.

 

just

fucking whatever i suppose.

 

what was todays nightmare?

The person my friend's dating and who i felt replaced by laughing at me and telling me i'm worthless and i'm not worth my friends or anyone's time and I should go die.

:')

 

just.

i should just unfollow my friend and leave those games c uz like

i feel like they wouldn't care if i show them their character in this zine picture i showed earlier
i just.

i feel like they wouldnt care

 

part of this is just?? that other person makes my mood drop so much even the mere mention of them makes me drop

it's bad where i even blacklisted their name on tumblr and just

i think i should just go all together since other people in some of my friends group knows them and i feel like i dont bring anything to anyones table except complaining about bullshit like i am now.

and porn.

 

Feeling socially isolated is one of the most profoundly painful things a person can deal with. I'm sorry that you're struggling with that. You deserve friends who support you.

 

spent most of my life trying to impress people where idk how to draw anything for myself or do something for myself without thinking im selfish. :)

 

which is sad!! im always wanting to draw things for my friends but the only thing that's kind of for me is my webcomic, but even then im just 'hey [friend] do you want your oc in the bg of this page?' because i just

i guess i want attention in some sort.
or show i'm cool? i dunno.

 

i honestly never thought i was cool, even as a kid i was bullied because i was weird and small and easy to pick on in general.
and how i am now i feel dumb, small and unable to do anything right with anyone. im always stepping on eggshells and im always afraid ill say something wrong and everyone will hate me for it. i dont know who or what i am and im scared to deal with it and it just??? it makes me want to not be around anymore because of it.

 

and!! when someone compliments me in any way, i get defensive and or i dont believe them right away, or i get uncomfortable because i feel like i dont deserve it. i hate these feelings i want it to stop

 

:') ,,
now im actively avoiding my friends blog, this is nice

 

i really want to tell them they really upset me! they upset me because they got my hopes up for nothing when, in their words, said 'we should have these [ocs] together the next time we're in a campaign/one shot!' and they went off and did that without me! it's part of the oc but mostly them disappointing me in doing that! you don't tell someone that u both should do something together, then go off doing that without them with other people! I know they tried to let me in but it still doesn't hurt less!

I want to tell them that they saying i trigger their depression is the most insulting thing ive been told! because THEY triggered my anxiety when they started not talking to me so suddenly without warning and just!! left me in the dark! they were honestly the one person i talked to the most through out the year, aside from my then girlfriend, who shared the same interests as me at the time!

I really don't hate them! but at this point i feel like i do because im that fucking upset and i want to DIE because of this! it's my breaking point because this happened one too many times in my life already!

im afraid if i tell them they upset me and they'll hate me and not talk to me ever again because they did something that upset me when i'm also very sorry for reacting like this! and wanting to not do that again! i dont WANT to be like this! but i feel like they think ill do it again and want to not be my friend anymore!!

I just!!!
want a fucking apology! because ive apologized so fucking much for acting like this to the point where it feels moot because whats the point if they won't realize how upset i am because of their actions?!

 

honestly like,, if they didnt use that oc i might've not be this upset??
i never get obsessed with someones oc and im not but it was them saying we should do that and going off without me is what upset me.

i wouldn't promise someone that we should write a story together, then write that story without them with a completely different person. that's a shitty thing to do! you dont get someones hopes up only to do it without them!

 

ugh it honestly sounds like im obsessed with their ocs but!! i like their ocs! i like doing things with them with my ocs too! and them going off without me like that and just ignoring me and just,, i guess not talking to me when i go 'hey look our ocs lol' also upsets me??

like it's a complete 180 out of no where.

 

like i guess it upsets me more cuz it felt like they liked my stuff too but then it felt like they just,, stopped suddenly? idk. mm..

 

It doesn't sound like you're obsessed with your friend's OCs. Your friend is making you feel left out, which of course is incredibly painful. They're expecting too much from you in terms of maintaining the friendship and putting you in a bad position. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Yeah it doesn't sound like is about the OC so much as them saying one thing, then going back on that and doing something else with someone else without saying so much as boo as forewarning.

Example: if a friend said they were going to go to a movie with me and then went to that movie with someone else without saying anything about the change of plans, I would be pretty upset!