Vent siggy is soggy

I feel like im now relying on my friends for my happiness again and i dont??? wanna do that??
that's so much pressure ugh.

i think i'm just, i dont wanna be left out of things so im trying to force myself into so many things i can where it's actually burning me out and making me grumpy and i just

i just feel like if i miss out, i'll be pushed away and it scares me...

 

I have words but it's 2 in the morning and phone autocorrect it's fighting me so for now *hugs*.

 

I understand that feeling so much siggy, and I wish there was something I could say to help reassure you or help you feel better.
But at least I can say I'm here to talk or chill whenever you need someone ♥
ALSO YOU ARE A GOOD BEAN

 

what does one do when they get annoyed at small things their friend does that legit isn't bad and it's just their quirks, but its where it starts dropping your mood because it annoys you that much?


because i dont wanna be that person like at all :')

 

thing I've had to do in the past - "Hey, I know this might sound weird but. When you do [thing] it.. I don't know man, lately it's been kind of getting on my nerves more and more and i'm not really sure what to do about it? I tried to ignore it, because it's nothing bad per say but it's hitting me harder each time and actually starting to affect my mood really bad and I need to talk with you about it. Because you're a cool person but this thing is really starting to affect me."

 

habit in question for my friend was actually something she'd done since the beginning of our friendship, but was doing more and more to the point where a vague sense of "Nn" was changing into me finding excuses to avoid having the thing happen and talking to her less bc panic. then we talked about it annnnnd she stopped bc she hadn't realized it was a problem and then was considerate of my needs after the discussion, esp when i asked her to let me know anything for sure on her end about me so we wouldn't wind up like that again.

 

I might draw a distinction between different types of annoyance about quirks.

Like there’s things such as bad sensory input and pet peeves. Things that would probably bother you no matter who’s doing them. Ryn covered that situation really well.

But sometimes I’ve found myself developing hatreds of quirks that have more to do with the person than any of the quirks themselves. It’s not that I hate my friend. I probably just need more space. Hobbies, interests, opinions, time, and literal space I don’t share with that friend.

 

aha a, i feel like im falling apart :) ,.

 

just,,

losing a girlfriend and a friend and seeing them get with other people just???
i feel like a complete and utter failure in every way possible

just?? what's the FUCKING POINT ANYMORE

why am i here?? i dont' give anything good to this world! i just fucking DRAW! that's all i do! I don't do anything, I don't have ajob, i dont drive, i don't do anything!!!

I have no idea how much longer I can handle myself without wanting to die, i really dont know what to do and i'm so fucking scared.

 

maybe once i get all the money i should be getting, ill give it to my mom and friends and just,, go

so they don't have to worry about anything anymore,
no need to worry about me! useless little dipshit of a person who doesn't do anything except draw porn and cry about things!

 

I know im not good enough for romantic relationships, why the fuck did i thnk i was good enough for friendships if all i do is just COMPLAIN and whine???

 

god this always happens, i always fuck up my friendships or relationships somehow and i tjust
i dont know why or how or what im doing wrong to myself, why do i do this why am i such a fucking idiot? ? ?

I can't get into new things people like i can't just,, i cant do anything except not care when i try to and i want to!!! or,, like i do care just,, im not interested and i have a hard time getting interested and i hate this

why am i even here anymore.

 

shit, i forgot i promised some friends i'd join them at a convention in the summer
haa,, i hope i can make it that long, already bought the ticket awhile ago and everything,,

 

sighs....

 

eugh,, now i remember why i felt like shit every time i drew homestuck.

i keep comparing myself to others and just, never thought my art was good at all.

 

just,, my art always felt bland compared to everyone when i drew homestuck.

sighs. i'm just complaining again but i never knew how to not be bland.

 

i just,, feel like i dont give enough on my patreon and all I do is just doodle and post comic pages now.

i wanna do montly polls with pinups but i know i wouldnt be able to do it on time/i would get tired and exhausted for no reason.

idk i'm trying to get back into the groove of working on comics again but i'm honestly just,,
feeling boring and worthless.

 

me @ my dumbass for not going to bed like i should've done.

all i did was just... draw nsfw stuff...

idk,

 

self loathing to the point where whatever i draw is awful AND i suck at video games?

hot dog!!! :))))

 

but seriously, i'm kind of scared being in this new homestuck zine im in cuz i just feel like whatever i make will be shitty compared to everyone elses pieces.