Vent siggy is soggy

i feel so boring, why am i here

 

I should make more fat ocs

i feel bad for having mostly muscular/fair looking ocs

or like, idk, most of my characters do have fat on them and it's obvious

i guess i feel unbalanced, i wanna try having a fat male oc at some point. though I do have an idea of one but idk how i'll characterize him/how i like his design right now.

 

Big boofy boy!

 

I think i should attempt to unfollow some blogs, idk

i've been stressed and i follow someone who was told i was a pedophile for my old homestuck and voltron nsfw and it??? hurts??
it really hurt me, i tried to tell them i dont support pedophelia but they didnt listen and itjust?? it hurts. cuz i like their stuff too but just, i dont think i can follow them and others who follow them because i feel like if i tried to say hi to those other blogs, it'll be spread that i'm awful when im not and i wouldnt know how i'd deal with that.

and i guess it doesnt help that i guess that they redrew someone's picture and their friend said it's a better version than the original, even though the original is someone elses fanart in progress. idk it... felt shitty of them to do that? or, idk.

i think i'm losing it, haha, idk, i feel awful all the time, i feel like i should die because i can't stand the fact that people hate me for something that isn't true and no matter what i do, it'll always come back and i'll lose friends and mutuals i like talking to and seeing.

i'm just, so so afraid..

 

I LOVE IT
I DRAW SOMETHING GOOD FOR ONCE
AND I FUCKING DELETE THE FILE BY ACCIDENT
I COULDN'T FUCKING SAVE IT IN CLOUD CUZ IT WENT WEIRD AND IT MADE A NEW SAVE BUT APPARENTLY N O T


NOW IT'S GONE

I DONT KNOW HOW TO FIND FUCKING DELETED FILES FOR CLIP STUDIO FUCKING PAINT ON IPADS SO IM SCEEWED JKDFLGH AHAHA

 

i fucking hate myself i mean i can't even make something i actually am proud of without deleting it like a fucking moron

 

I am so, so sorry. Losing files is so incredibly stressful.

 

Oh nooo that sucks D:

 

lol i would call the suicide hotline but then that means cops would come to my house and make my parents worry and then i'll have to go to a shitty mental health hospital again but this time i'd have to pay for it cuz i have no insurance :)))

 

im so fucking useless im so fucking stupid im so fucking bad at everything and anything i do like why should i even try doing anything anymore

 

im also freaking out if im being abusive and thats why my last friend stopped talking to me and ghosted me

cuz on one side it can be traumatic but someone else said it's not all about you and life moves on like okay but, there's a difference from someone ghosting you out of no where, someone you used to TALK to a lot, and someone youre avoiding because theyre abusive to you.

like shit even the first person said it's all about context and the situation, they even mentioned it's okay to ghost if it means getting away from someone abusive and im jsust wondering if i was abusive and me wanting attention is me being abusive

im just i wanna stop thinking about this and go away forever im so TIRED

 

Wanting attention is not abusive. Actions are abuse. If you say, lied and manipulated to get the attention, that could fall into the realm of abuse. From what I saw of the situation, you were aware of your own tendencies and explicitly trying to work against them, giving your friend space while also trying to communicate what was going on and asking they do the same.

Ending up with unresolveable competing metal health needs is not abuse. It's just a thing that happens and it sucks, but it is what it is.

 

great im afraid of even talking to my homestuck friends now ahaha, ,,. .

i wanna talk to them about homestuck stuff and friendism but i hardly played friendism and im jsut,,
i cant focus anymore, i can't do anything and i wanna talk to them again but im so scared cuz i'll just sound disinterested or cold when i just have no idea what to say anymore or at all

 

especially since every time i try to draw homestuck i just think of how everyone elses work is so much better than mine and no matter how much i improve i'll never be good or draw anyone right how i want to and it just hurts.. ,

 

Every single artist I've ever met has felt their work isn't good enough. One of my friends does photo-realism that looks like actual photography, and she cab hardly stand to look at her stuff. I think a lot 9f artists just strongly feel that way, but it's not a reflection of their art. Their art is great.

 

I saw a twitter post just now and just?? <post>

I feel like this is what I did to them and im just, im still so upset. I don't know what I did wrong is what hurts me! I wanted to stop doing that and like, idk get something from them in terms of communication. I didn't want to tire them out, upset them or anything, and yet i did that when all i wanted to do was like, hang out with them like we always did?? like, fuck THEY suggested we do stuff sometimes and i was for that! I wanted to do that stuff with them and I was excited to try it, I even told them it takes me a bit to get used to new things but when i like it, i like it!

cuz ever since they started talking their significant other is when they just, stopped? Stopped talking to me, i didnt even want a reply right away, just, a reply when they can. like there's so much layers on this whole thing and at the end i felt replaced.

I guess I don't know, maybe i was becoming codependant on them, but not on purpose too? we started talking a lot and we hanged out a lot and it was real fun! I enjoyed my time with them but i never didnt want them to not talk to other people either?? Just

ugh.

 

Yeah, that's not being toxic. Trying to be emotionally aware and accommodating while asking for communication does not describe the kind of people that post is taking about and ghosting a person isn't done to only bad people who deserve it.

Ngl the, "my friend and I used to hang out but then they got a new romantic interest and now I'm excommunicated" is a common thing. It sucks balls but there's not much you can do about that.

 

its a hard feeling i never experienced and already me dealing with feeling people hate me didnt help at all lol,, ah well.

 

I told a friend of mine who's going into psychology about what my last friend did to me, and they know them but not as much, and they said they showed signs of narcissism and...

theyre right about this. me thinking back on how my last friend didnt realize/care that i was upset at their actions, not saying sorry, not talking to me/dropping me for someone else who provided them more than me, not even realizing im asking basic things from them (like communication), blaming me for their depression and or making it seem it's my fault that they dont like me?

like haha... wow, i cant believe it. but, it happened. i never had that before, i'm... i guess shook. i read up a bit more on narcissism and yeah it fits.

i guess, i wish i saw this sooner, especially since how i saw so much of the Ray stuff.

just.
ugh.

i feel like a fucking moron, lol..