Vent siggy is soggy

I'm also afraid of going to a convention and not sell things cuz peeps go " oh that's mcsiggy/siggykuu, they're [this and that] don't buy their stuff " I'm just, big scared.

 

hmm, i, dont fully know how i feel about roxy being trans but im not gonna say anything out and about either.

I guess It's just, I dunno. I think it might be less of the character and how,, aggressively in your face people will be with this.

i mean i can always say 'nah i'm not gonna really go with the epilogue as canon' for me but then i know people will be saying im transphobic for not liking transguy roxy when,, im a nonbinary all gender confuse myself, so..,

 

I think I'm just real tired and overthinking things lately, idk. i just feel bad for like, not,, being into things like everyone else.

 

i havent drawn seirath with a dick in awhile but im like, i guess im now uncomfortable doing it?

i dont know what happened cuz i like art of girls w/ dicks (which i suppose trans art in general) but, idk why im personally not happy with it.

hh.

 

so much bad is happening in this world im just, im really thinking of just killing myself so i can just not be around all of this anymore..

 

This is true, but at the same time you dont seem to understand other people's boundaries and just throw them away the moment they dont give you what you want and or insult them the moment they ask what they did wrong after they have massive panic attacks because they thought they didnaomething wrong.

You giving boundaries is just not telling anyone anything and or the moment someone expresses concern or addresses something you do that hurts them, you push them away and the moment someone else catches your interest, you throw them away completely.

God I'm so mad idk why I do this to myself.

 

those brain voices making it hard to do anything or accept anything nice from anyone anymore

 

[flails at brain weasels with a cricket bat] SHOO! SHOO I SAY!

 

i really dont understand how people can be ok with people darkening a whole cast of characters who aren't dark skinned but will throw a fit when someone doesnt use the exact color hex of a darker characters skin and says its white washing when,, you can very tell theyre still darker.

like idk i dont enjoy this kind of double standard thing but i feel awful for being on the latter of 'stop,, darkening so many characters who aren't dark.'

its not even the whole thing if it's an au, people treat it like its canon when honestly i'd feel very offended if someone told me an oc of mine isn't dark skinned enough to be this or that.

 

after mulling over this more, im trying to not compare whitewashing to darkening a characters skin color.

i guess what im trying to explain to myself is it's different from au's where a whole cast is a different race, you know? but i also see people darken an already asian characters skin tone (like ill be specific and say things from anime cuz lets be real people do this from shows that are anime), or flat out ignoring other characters who are darker skinned.


I suppose like, from me being a creator, im taking it into a creators perspective that i'd find it hella disrespectful if someone decided to darken one of my characters skin colors (even more annoyed if the said character is already dark) and say it's canon/its more correct. but i'd be even more angry if they decided to whitewash one of my darker skinned oc's too. just. i dont like the thought of changing a character design (like if you aren't the creator itself) when it's already okay. like an example i can say i loved of character design changes is from the ruby/sapphire pokemon remakes of archie and maxie, especially with archie because it was a design i love, while his old one is still good on it's own (even if it's bland)

but it's obviously racist to lighten/whitewash a characters skin color because usually that means one thinks having a darker skin color is ugly or unattractive.

 

I find it weird that i like, actively push away a lot of headcanons when it comes to gender, but when it's canon i'm very okay with it. im realizing im making angels and demons in my universe sex fluid (can choose what bits they have) and i guess some form of trans? or like, the common type of sexuality for most demons and angels is nonbinary of some sort or trans but all together it's like, they just identify with what they are? i dunno.

idk why it got me thinking but i thought of the homestuck epilogue and i just,,, i realized i don't even count it as canon for me all together, i think it honestly killed a bit of my love for the series as a whole and it,, kind of depresses me.

maybe ill change my mind later on, i tend to do that but for now im just,,, i dunno. i feel bad for just, not liking a lot of headcanons people like. i feel like it's internalized transphobia cuz im dealing with my own shit? or maybe it's oversaturation of so many headcanons it just turned me off from them u_u

 

honestly there's nothing wrong with not liking trans headcanons for certain characters just like there's nothing wrong with not liking other types of headcanons for certain characters
everyone is going to see a character slightly differently, it's not transphobia if your vision doesn't line up with someone else's.
Also I entirely get you on the seeing too many people be too aggressive about a certain type of headcanon and therefore being sick of it and not wanting to include it. As long as you don't get equally aggressive about putting forward the opposite headcanon (which you really don't seem the type to do) there's nothing wrong with shaping your headcanons around things that don't make you want to kick people. Liking things is, believe it or not, supposed to be fun.

 

Spoiler: more sads lmao

 

*offers hugs if they're wanted*

 

*accepts hugs happily*

 

I feel like I'll never improve in my art. No matter what I do, what I make, it'll never be good enough, even if I do improve, it will never be enough. I wanna try new different things but when I do no one likes it or seems to care, this is why I'm always so scared of making fanart or trying new things cuz whenever I feel proud of something I make, it's always ignored.

And when I wanna show something to certain people i just... feel like they dont care. I'm always around people and my friends or mutuals know all these people and I'm just... small. I'm always that person that seems to know someone but no one knows me or I always feel like an after thought.

I'm constantly comparing myself to other artists and I ask myself why cant I do this and that as good as them?? Why cant I do anything, why cant my style be better, why why why all the time. I cant do fetish art cuz I get cringy at myself even though I know I can do it but when I do do it, its... just seen as a meh compared to everyone. I know i shouldnt complain and I should keep at it and do everything I tell others, do what u like, practice, study and shit and I honestly do do all that but in the end I still feel like I'm behind everyone. Its how I always felt in my life. I feel like I'll always be an "honorable mention" which is always behind last place but no one wants to call it that so its "well you did okay so here have a fucking star for participating.

I'm afraid of trying out for homestuck zines my friend hosts cuz I feel like my friend is just.. not wanting to ask me if I'm interested in joining anymore. Someone we both know dropped then sent them a message apologizing but I'm just. Mad. I dunno. I feel like I don't belong or fit anywhere anymore or at all.

And aside from all that, money problems dont help me either, my depression is just where I'm always on the edge of just ending it all. Im...

Tired.

Very tired.

And I want to die all the time

 

Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut for now on. Nothing I say will help me but no one cares anyway.

Being afraid to talk to people but also so many things set me off so fast just, I can't do anything anymore.

 

whispers
hugs for you
and i like your art it has masses of personality and that's what makes art i like, personality

 

I think,, it's why i'm writing a story where someone can fuck up and apologize but it's fine to not forgive them too, even if u do accept their apology.

i guess like, i wanna forgive people but lately after being wronged im just, i guess im tired.

but i know i gotta work on my own shit too.

 

I think?? I might have ADHD? Ive been seeing a lot of posts talking about it and or what people with it experience and some really stick with me, so i'm thinking i might have it.

dunno, i need to see a doctor but i dont know how to get health care and when i did try to get it i just, chickened out cuz of money stuff. so i dunno...