Vent siggy is soggy

No stabs, only hugs now.

 

i want stabs.

 

im upset!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spoiler

Im upset i can't accept the fact im not in a thing!!!!!!!!!!!!! but fucking guess what?????? this always happened to me!! I was always never included in things irl, i always had to FUCKING ASK!!!

but then when i DO get in the thing, i feel like im not apart of it!!! Im apart of nothing! im just some fucking filler friend who draws a lot and gives you free art until you get bored of me! that's all im good for! Free art and a spot to fill in! aside from that, i'm useless! I don't do anything interesting! I don't have much interests and when i do want to talk to someone, they say one thing to me, i reply back, and they say nothing to me unless i say something that's relevant to their interests, and then the cycle repeats!!!! either if it's me or them!!!

im boring! annoying, whiny and self centered! I dont understand why people try talking to me....

 

I know i ignore people who help me! But i have a hard time accepting help as it is! Since i always thought it was weak of me to accept it! so here i am! whining and complaining like i'm a fucking child asking and screaming for help and attention, while i push and run away from it because im fucking SCARED

 

I know it's not much when up against the towering wall of brain shit but I feel everything you're saying on a very deep and personal level, and you have all the sympathy because I have BEEN THERE DONE THAT and it SUCKED.

 

We have lots of pain meds, I can have,those.. But I hate puking .

 

I dont remember the last time i showered wtf....

 

well having one decent day was good, time for 5 days of extreme anxiety and depression i guess

 

i feel like im actually pulling and losing hair because of this annoying stress...

i have nothing to talk about to anyone, and the few people i do talk to are always doing their own thing, with each other or other people or both.

i just... want to be included, but i know if i ask it'd be weird...

 

the weirdest thing with me, when i finish having my tantrum or complaining about something, i just start feeling numb but it's much better than having constant anxiety up the wazoo.

i guess im just so stubborn to get better to the point i subconsciously get better.

unless it's the 4am's talking.

 

im!!! Feeling very good holy shit???

i've been doing some little Buddhist chants in my mind and under my breath lately, because i know it's a thing that really helps and calms many down, and... i think it works??

im not very religious, but buddhism is honestly the only religion i really like in terms of not praying to a being, but praying to the universe and to myself or for others in general.

heck, even my family got some very good luck on our side recently!! this is great! i think this year's finally getting better...

 

man what a shitty weekend.

 

mmh

 

its pretty hecking depressing knowing you're always the one drawing things out because you just really want everyones attention because you feel so left out of everything and anything.

 

doesn't help like, this isn't a recent thing, i've been doing this as long as i remember.

haha just... drawing for attention... not really for me in a way. just wanting to feel not mediocre around much cooler people than me.

 

just... i guess for once im not the one drawing everyones oc's out and maybe someone else would do it so i can catch a little break.

but that's a fantasy that would never come true lmao.

 

im just still very bitter on things i vented about earlier so yeah...
feeling left out, angry, depressed, unsure what to say to others anymore, that fun jazz

 

*hugs if wanted* I'm sorry you're feeling bad. :(

 

aahha , , feeling like im a bother or i dont really matter to some people is nice...

I know i matter to people i just,, really really need to,, not think like this